WOMEN.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 39, 24 September 1892, Page 955

WOMEN.

BY OUR OFFICE BOY. This is an xtensive subjict for a boy to grappel with, for sum of ’em meshure forty inches round the waist. Pursonally I woud rarther have rit about pirates or redskins ; but the editor ses to me : ‘ Boy, woman is always a popular subjict, so rite about her. I'm on her track. The most striking thing about a woman is her tung —I used to think it was my muthei’s hand, but no matter—wich seems to be engaged in an everlasting go as you please compertition. A woman will toi k till she drops dow n from shear xbaustion, and kontinue toikin wen she is lying —for she Zan lie—down ; and most of ’em I beleeve, even tork in there slepe. A docter was wnnee kalled in to see a lady who had the repputation of bein’ the biggest gossip in the town —it was a large town, to. ‘ Shal yu want to xamine my tung, doctor I arsked the lady. ‘No, my deer madam,’ ses the docter, who, like myself, was a bit of a wit ; ‘ I am in a great hurry, and reely karnt spare the time to undertake sich an xtensive suivey !’ The lady was so mad that she put out her tung at him ! Wimmin are vane creechurs : all they think of is dress—xcept bally girls, and ladies wot go to balls ; they go in for quality, not quantity— and lookin' in the glass. Aman is kontent to look in a tumbler, but a woman must have a lookin'-glass or she woud go ravin’ mad ; and the more ugly a woman is the more she will look in the glass, in hopes, I supose, of wakin’ np some morniu’ and findin’ herself, if not famus, at any rate, butiful. Look how a woman ‘ fakes ’ herself ! Paint, powder, false teeth, false haie, and —oh, that I should have to rite it !—a false buzzum, wich, by the-bye, gen'rally covers a false hart ! Wen a woman gits over twenty-five she woud rarther have yu draw a tooth out of her mouth than draw her reel age out of it. ‘ Wot is’your age, madam ?’ wunce ar.-ked a lawyer of witness.

‘ I reely don't kno,' replied the lady, tossin’ her head. • I must press yu to arnswer me, madam,' ses the lawyer * I karnt tell yu. I don’t remember wen I was born,’ ses the lady, sarka-tically. ‘Ah, well, madam,’ ses the lawyer, starin’ hard at her, ‘ it must have bin so long ago that it is skarsely to be wandered at I" Shaip feller, wasn't him? ‘ It’s troo that “ there’s a woman at the bottom of everythink,’’ ’ sighed a pennyless orther, wen he herd bis landlady roarin' out for her rent at the bottom of the kitchingstairs. Yes, it are to troo. If there is a row it is sute to be kaused by a woman. Look wot a lot of poor men have bin hunged for murderin’ wimmin ! I karnt make it out, but there is sumthin' in a woman that attiacts men. Wimmin are the honey and treekle of this wurld, and men are the flies ; but mixt with that honey and treekle is a dedly pizin that has laid many a man on his bak, never to move agin. It has orfen bin remarked how faithful! woman is to man. Oh. she is I She will never leeve him so long as he's got a penny-peace, but wen his larst coin is gorn be kan go to blazes : but the woman won’t ackompany him ! Wimmin aie fritefully jellus creechurs, and if it wasn't that most of 'em are orful cowherds they would be clawin’ at each othur day and nite, and the millertery would have to be kalled out. As it is, they’re always back bitin’ wun anuther. Missus Smith and Missus -Jones tear Missus Brown's karacter—wen she’s got any—to shreds : then Missus Bro*n and Missus Smith pick at Missus Jones’ karacter, and so on for ever and ever. Ah, wimmin ! Bit, after all, wimmin are reely very silly creechuis. If yu want to git round a woman, all yu’ve got to do is to give her a bucket of flyttety, and let her drink out of it like a horse, or rather donkey, and she will do any mortial thing for yu. Yu karnt flatter her to much. If her face is so full of freckles that it looks as if they had bin sprinkled out of a pepper-caster, tell her they’re buty spots—she’ll beleeve it ; if her nose turns up to the ski, tell her it looks ‘ jest hevenly,’ she ll beleeve it ; if she’s got a mouth like a oystir jist opined, tell her that her lips form a troo kupid’s bow, and she’ll believe it. A woman will swaller anythink in the shape of flattery; she’s got the throat of a boa constructor for it. In konclushon, women is rewination to man, and has been ever since Eve nude a fool of pjre old Adam. Wot does the poit say about woman !— * Oh, woman 1 in our hour of ease Yu luv to irrertate and teeze : And wen pale anguish rings the brow. It’s all thru gu, yu must allow 1’