The Graphic's Funny Leaf MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 8, 20 February 1892, Page 192

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

MISCELLANEOUS.

Mrs T. Youngwife (sobbing): ‘ Y-you are ungrateful. Didn't I bake you three big cakes last week, and what have you done for me ?’ Thomas : ‘ Didn’t I eat them ?’ Friend : ‘ What became of that young man you were engaged to last summer?’ Miss Catchem (innocently): ‘ Which one ?’

He : ‘ I really believe Miss Highup tried to cut us.’ She (rival belle): ‘lf she had tried she would have succeeded. Did you ever see such a hatchet face ?’ ‘ She may have a temper, but she is interesting. Did she ever get over the death of her first husband ?’ ‘ Yes ; but her second husband is inconsolable.’ He : ‘ Then you reject me ?’ She : ‘ I’m sorry, very sorry, but I must.’ He (desperately): ‘Then there is only one thing left for roe to do, that’s all.’ She (anxiously): ‘Oh, what do you intend to do?’ He: ‘Propose to somebody else.’ Musical Editor (meeting composer) : ‘ Hello, Tewnes ! I haven’t seen you since you got married. Doing anything in our line?’ Composer: ‘ Nothing much—only a little—er —cradle song in A flat.’ ‘ How do you feel now ?' inquired Smith of Brown, upon whom a two hundred pound female had fallen while trying to get a seat in a street car. ‘As though I had had greatness thrust upon me,’ replied Brown, smiling faintly, but facetiously. Yabsley : ‘ I have always had an idea that after a couple had been married for some time even their thoughts became to a great degree identical. Am I right, Peck ?’ Mr N. Peck : ‘ I think you are. About now my wife is thinking over what she’ll say to me for coming home so late. And so am I.’ A lecturer, discoursing on the subject of ‘ Health,’ inquired :— ‘What use can a man make of his time while waiting for a doctor ?’ Before he could begin his answer to his own inquiry, some one in the audience cried out : ‘ He can make his will. ’ Why Johnny Didn't Graduate.— ‘ Define millennium, Johnny ?’ said the tired school-teacher, in the last half of the closing hour of the last day of school. ‘ The millennium/ said Johnny, promptly, ‘ is the time when it will be vacation all the year, and there won’t be any old school-teachers around to ask little boys fool questions. ’ A gentleman heard a young visitor in his house ask his own son, aged six, ‘ Which would you rather be—a walking policeman or a mounted policeman ?’ ‘ A mounted policeman, of course,’ said the boy. ‘ Why ?’ asked the other. ‘ ’Cause if the robbers came I could get away quicker. ’ ‘ Where have you been ?’ asked Mrs Brown at the theatre of Mr Brown, just out between the acts. ‘ Oh, just out tosee a man.’ ‘When did he die?’ ‘When did who die?’ ‘ The man you went out to see.’ ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘ Well, judging from your breath it must have been a spirit you saw.’ ‘So you are a rapid shorthand writer?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘I should think it would be difficult to take everything down a speaker says.’ ‘ It’s not hard when you understand it. I was reporting a speech the other day, and I thought I would see how fast I could report, and will you believe menone of the speakers could follow me.’ A Head for Business.—Philanthropist (to coloured woman) : ‘ Your boy looks as if he might have a head for business, madame.’ Coloured woman (proudly) : ‘ Yer bet yer life he has boss. He’s de champyun butter of dis yere distrikt.’ A Cure for Vanity.—J inkers : ‘ That man is the most insufferable lump of conceit that ever trod the earth. T wish he could be Premier.’ Winkers: ‘You do? Why?’ Jinkers : ‘ The newspapers would make him sick of himself, in a week. Doctor : ‘ Troubled with insomnia—eh ? Eat something before going to bed.’ Patient: ‘ Why, doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before going to bed/ Doctor (with dignity): ‘ That, madam, was so far back as 1889. Science has made great strides since then.’