THE VANITY OF RICHES.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 8, 20 February 1892, Page 177

THE VANITY OF RICHES.

FTER the meeting had been duly opened, 1 Brother Gardner announced that the regular routine of business would be suspended in order to listen to an address by I the Hon. Recollection Johnson, who had U arrived in New York two days previously. The title of the address was given as • Does

riches make happiness; or, why should sweet milk sour during a thunder-storm f * Befo’ dis pusson, who is now in de aunty-room, is let into de hall, f want to say a few words,’ observed the president. ‘ln de fust place, I want elder Toots an’ Judge Cadaver to keep awake doorin’ de lecture. It’s an insult on a man to go to sleep an’ snore while he am talkin’. In de next place, if Shindig Watkins frows dat cucumber which he has got in his pocket at Samuel Shin, I shall be lookin’ right at him, an’ befo’ de meetin’ closes his fucher life will oe made wretched. Kurnel Cabiff and Judge Chewso had better git as fur from each odder as possible, an’ I shall depend upon Giveadam Jones to keep his eye on Uncle Bradley an’ de ole man Taylor. De honorable gen'lan will now be brung in.’ The honorable gen’lan’ created a favourable impression at first glance. He was the beau ideal of an orator—three stories high, loose in the knee-joints and a wild expression to his eyes. As he took his place on the platform it was noticed that he toed out and covered a great deal of space with his feet, and this was also taken as a further favourable sign of his intellectual greatness. There was no sign of nervousness in his actions, and it was clearly evident that he was in the habit of addressing large and critical audiences. He poured out a glass of water, carefully scraped a nutmeg into it, and, after removing his coat, necktie and collar, he advanced to the front of the platform and began. * My frens,’ he said as he locked his fingers together and then looked benignly down on the shiny bald cranium of Judge Cantelope White, ‘ does riches make happiness or does she not ? At de fust go-off it would ’pear dat she did. When we see a rich man ridin’ by in his keeridge, his arms folded, his head up high an’ his black horses prancin’ along as proud as peacocks, we am apt to envy him an’ to wish we was in his place. We see only outside appearances. If we could foller dat pusson to his home of luxury we should take a different view of de case. De minit he gits into de house his wife wants fo’teen thousand dollars fur new dresses ; de chill’en cry fur him to buy ’em an elephant: de cook has broke twelve plates while washin’ de dishes, an’ de gas bill is ober seben dollars mo’ dan it was fur de month befoh. De proud smile on dat rich man’s face flees away, and he goes out behind de ba’n an’ kicks hisself an’ wishes he had nebber bin bo’n. (Cheers, shouts, and wild applause.)

* Yo’ go into a rich man’s house,’ continued the orator, * an* yo’ see lace curtains, kivered cha’rs, fine carpets an’ heaps of brick-a bats. Some of ’em hev got as many as five beds upsta’rs, an’if yo’ go down cellar, yo’ll find a hull bar'lpork and sixteen bushels of ’taters. Nutfin’ seems wantin’ to complete dat man’s happiness, but dat’s all on de outside. He may be Bittin’ around on dem fine carpets or lookin’ at hisself in one of dem lookin’-glasses which nebber cost less dan nine dollars, when he gits a telegraph. He opens it to find dat somebody has robbed de grave of his gran’fadder out in Chicago, and demands one millyon dollars to restore de body. (Applause so vigorous that two legs fell out of the stove and a serious calamity was narrowly averted.) * I war in de private office of a millyonaire de odder day. He was cuttin’ de coupons off his bloated bonds. Dat’ war seventeen bags of gold on his right hand, an’ sixteen bar’ls of silver on his left. (Suppressed excitement.) Dar’wa-' fo’ bushels of diamonds piled up behind de stove, an’ about two bar’ls of pearls an’ opals ober by de' wash stand. (Whispers of ‘Yum!’ ‘Yuml’) Dat pusson owned de awfulest, biggest plantashun in de hull Souf. He had six millyun horses an’ cattle. He owned fo’ banks an’ five railroads. He owned all de judges an’ juries an’ lawyers in de State. If yo’ frowed a tater at his dawg he could hev yo’ sent to State prison fur life. (Sighs and groans.) An’yit, wid all dis power an’ riches, was dat man happy ? No 1 He had a sore heel ; his stomach was outer order; he was gittin’ bald on top o’ de head ; he woke up in de night an’ saw ghosts wavin’ deir arms over him, an’ he said he would gib all he had on earth to be like me. (Applausewhich put out three lamps and upset the water-pail.) ‘ No, my frens,’ calmly continued the orator, after sipping a little more nutmeg, ‘ riches doan’ make happiness. Dey is jest handy when you feel you’d like to git measured fur fo’ new shirts, or you want fried chicken fur dinner. All de rest is vanity an’ am sure to bring yo’ trouble. Take de case of Shindig Watkins, of dis club, at whose cabin I am temporarily stoppin’ free of charge. He’s got a rag-carpet an’ three cane-seat cha’rs in his parlour. He’s got three dawgs an’ an ice-chest an’ a chromeo of “ Napoleon crossin’ de Alps.” He’s got a cuckoo clock dat cost him ’leben dollars, an’ he bought an ole lounge for $2 an’ kivered it ober wid new stuff an’ made it wuth 10$. His wife kin aim a dollar a day while he sits on de front steps, an’ his chill’n save their pennies to buy him terhaecer an’ beer. From Sunday mawnin’ to Saturday night Brudder Watkins is {•erfeckly happy an’ content, an’ he will lib thirty y’ars onger dan any, rich man. (Vociferous applause from all except Brother Watkins, whose modesty is well known.) ‘ An’ now, why does sweet milk sour doorin’ a thunderstorm ?’ asked the orator after getting his breath. ‘ Yo’ may think dis has nuffin’ to do wid de case, but it has. It has a heap to do wid it. De rich man has to use sweet milk, same as de pore. A panful of it is sittin’ down cellar

on de shelf, an’ we is gwine to hev puddin’ an’ milk fur supper. ’Long comes a thunder-shower, and de ole woman goes down to find de milk all sour. Why? Whence? Fur what reason? Yo’ do not stop to inquar’, but yo* jump up an’ down and lick de chill’en. If yo’ would only sot down in de rockin’-cheer and philosophize a leetle yo’ would diskiver why it was thus. De electrified condishun of de atmosphere has simply absorbed de energetic radiometer of de liquid, an’ de result is a perdigerous situashun of de magnetic illiberality. My frens, de hour is late, an’ I will not occupy any mo’ of yo’r valuable time.’ When the speaker retired he was followed by round after round of applause, and he must have been highly pleased with his successful hit. When silence was restored Brother Gardner said : * Gem'len, I hev no doubt dat we hev all bin made de better fur listenin’ to dat address, an’ dat it will be wise fur us to treasure up in our memories de varus facts brung out by de orator, but at de same time I want to caushun yo’ dat great men am only mortal arter all. Should de Hon. Recollection Johnson want to borrow any money of yo’ it will be eminently safe to reply dat you has just tooken all yo’r change to de bank, and dat yo’doan’ ’spect to hev any mo’ befoh next week. We will now go home.’