MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume VIII, Issue 51, 19 December 1891, Page 716

MISCELLANEOUS.

Jasper: ‘How did you discover that she is a widow?’ Jumpuppe : ‘ When I asked her to name the day she said, “ To-morrow.” '

Fond Father : ‘ Don’t you think I ought to have my daughter’s voice cultivated?’ Toitured Guest (impressively): ‘ I think you ought to have something done with it. ’ Sporting Registrar (a little nervous at his first performance of the marriage ceremony): ‘I pronounce you man and wife—and—er—may the best man win.’ ‘ I see Jack and Molly have made it up again. Why was the engagement ever broken?’ They had a quarrel as to which loved the other the most.’

‘ Ethel Goodbell brought home a lovely souvenir spoon with her from England.’ ■ I knew it; I saw her with himon the avenue, Sunday morning. ’ Dorothy’s Indulgent Papa : ‘ So to-morrow’s your birthday, eh ? Well, well, I must give you a nice present. Come now, choose one as handsome and expensive as you please.’ Dorothy : ‘ I will take Jack Harduppe, papa dear.’ Lawyer: ‘l’m sorry for you, Mr Short, but Snipps the tailor has put his account against you into my hands for collection. ’ Short : ‘ And you’re going to try and collect it, eh? Well, I’m sorry for you.’ ‘ There ain’t agoin’ to be good livin’ in trampin’ this season,’ said Raggles. ‘ I’m afraid not,’ said Tatters. ‘ These here cookin’ schools is teaebin" gals how to use up the cold witties. ’ 1

His wig blew off, and was captured and returned by a nice young lady, to whom the gentleman wittily and graciously acknowledged his obligation with : ‘ A thousand thanks, my dear ! You are by far the most successful hair-restorer I ever tried !’

Physician to convalescent patient : •My bill, sir, for attendance during your late illness. ’ Patient: ‘Great Scott, doctor, looking over the bill and turning white, ‘ was I as sick as all that ?’

‘ Ladies,’ said the old grey-headed teacher, ‘ I’m sorry toconfess it, but I’d rather have five yonng men from the hi«h school than one of you.’ ‘So would we, teacher !’ was the general reply. ‘ I wonder,’ said a young lady, ‘ why Hymen is always represented as carrying a torch.’ To which an old bachelor sneeringly responded—‘ To indicate he always makes it warm for people who marry.’ A yonng woman tried to be aristocratic, and did not look at the money she gave to the conductor of the car ; but he meekly gave her back the lozenge, on which was written, * I U never cease to love thee,’ and said he was an orphan, with five little brothers to support, and must be excused. She was a woman, tall, thin, with false curls and a sour visage. Beside her sat her husband, a little, meek, demnrelooking man, who seemed incapable of boldness of speech or action. Presently a guest at the other end of the table bawled at the top of his voice, ‘ Waiter, fetch the vinegar cruet,’ Then the demure-looking little man turned to her and said, ‘ Dovey, somebody wants you.’ Grocer (who has lately joined the Volunteers, practising in his shop): ‘ Right, left, right, left, four paces to the rear : march !’ falls down trapdoor into the cellar. Grocer’s wife, anxiously : ‘ Oh, Jim, are you hurt ?’ Grocer, savagely, but with dignity : ‘Go away, woman ; what do you know about war. ’

A Kindly Suggestion : ‘Do you know who that fearfully homely woman is over by the door ?’ ‘ Yes ; that is my wife, and I wonld remind you that beauty is only skin deep.’ ‘ Then, my dear sir, why on earth don’t you skin her ?’ Settled Out ok Court.—His Reverence : ‘ What’s this I see, Pat Murphy ?’ Murphy (who had one of his eyes closed and his head bandaged): ‘Sure we’ve been fixing our old dispute, yer riverence. His worship tould us to try and sittle it oot o’ Court, and we’ve done it.’ His Reverence : ‘ And now I suppose you are off to the photographer's ?’

A young Scotchman was once halting betwixt two loves, one possessed of beauty and the other of a cow. In despair of arriving at a decision, he applied for advice to a canny compatriot, who delivered himself thus: ‘ Marry the lass that has the coo, for there’s no the difference o’ a coo’s value in any twa weemin’in Christendom.’