MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume VIII, Issue 28, 11 July 1891, Page 164

MISCELLANEOUS.

‘ That is a nice way to begin the week,’ said the man who was going to be hanged on Monday morning. Goslin : ‘lf Miss Scadd’s face is her fortune, she doesn't rate very high.’ ‘ Dolly : ‘ Her p>a value is much above her face value.’

Sunday-school Teacher : ‘ Why should we not cast pearls before swine, Johnny Livewaite ?’ Johnny: ‘l’ ask papa. He's in the pork business.' Sunday school Teacher: ‘ Now, Johnnie, tell me what took all the snap- our of Samson ?’ Johnnie : * A home-made hair cut, ma'am.'

Pastor : ‘My friend, are you prepaied to die ?’ Sick man icontidentiallj j : ‘Well, I should think I was. I’ve got a hundred thou.and pounds life insurance. Wool : ‘ How do you go to work to tell the age of a hen ?’ Xan Pelt: •By the teeth.' Wool :‘ A hen hasn t any teeth, you idiot !’ Van Pelt: ‘No ; but I have.’

A fter the la«t act : Sig. Ham : ‘ Did you see how I paralysed the audience in that death scene ? By George, they were crying all over the house!' Stage Manager: ‘Yes. They knew you weren't really dead.' Mr A. : ‘ls Mrs C. giving any balls or patties?’ Mrs B. : ‘ Balls in Lent I Why, my dear sir, Mrs C. is so strict an observer of Lent that fish balls are the only kind she will tolerate.’

Garrulous Stranger ion a train): ‘My wife's name was Wood. What was yours ?’ Crusty Old Bachelor ; ‘ I guess mine’s name was Wouldn’t. I didn't get her. Law-Abiding.—Visitor ito native Texan): ‘Why do yon let the butt of your revolver protrude out of your hip t>ocket ?’ Texan : ‘ Because there's a law ag in carrying concealed weapons, stranger.’ Coal Dealer (anxiously): ‘Hold on! That load hasn’t been weighed. It look's to me rather large for a tom’ Driver : ‘ Taint intended for a tom It's two tons. ’ Dealer : ‘ Beg pardon. Go ahead.’ Tommy : ‘ Did you do much fighting during the war, pa ?’ Pa : ‘ I did my share of it.’ Tommy : ‘Did you make the enemy run?' Pa : ‘ You're right, I did, Tommy.’ Tommy -. ‘ Did they ketch you, p>a?’ Stage Manager: ‘ Where is Afghan Lumbago, the tattooed Zulu ? Property Boy : ‘He got caught in the rain coming from supper, and he’s down-stairs having the scenic artist touch him up.’ ‘ Prisoner at the bar,’ said the judge, ‘ is there anything you wish to say before sentence is passed upon you ?' * No, my lord, there is nothing I care to say ; but it you'll clear away the tables and chairs for me to thrash my lawyer, you can give me a year or two extra.’ ‘lt beats me,' mused the modern theatre manager. ‘This here William Shakespieare wrote the play “ Hamlet,” in which Ophelia gets drowned, yet he leaves the drowning scene out. ‘lt does seem queer,’ observed the stage car-t-enter, with a touch of vanity ; ‘ but may be he oidn't know how to make a tank.’

Mr Chugwater lay groaning on his bed. Mr Chugwater's weight is nearly 300 p>ounds, and the bed was groaning too. ‘ Where is the pain, Josiah ?' inquired his wife sympathizingly. ‘ln the small of my back, of couise?’ he snorted. ‘ Where do you suppose a man has lumbago?’ ‘ You must be mistaken, dear,' said Mrs Chugwater, soothingly. ‘ You haven't anv small of the back.'

Scene—The interior of a crowded omnibus. Polite Old Lady (to heavy swell in very light trousers, who is sitting almost on top'of her): • Will you ascuse me, sir, jest auskin’ you to move a hinch or two ; but I’ve rot some eggs in the pocket you’ie a-settin' on, and they seem to feel damp-like.’ (Hasty exit of heavy swell.)