Silhouettes.

Fair Play, Volume I, Issue 25, 1 September 1894, Page 4

Silhouettes.

No. V.—THE TEMPERANCE FANATIC. He is of all ages, but whether old or young, is ever of a bilious hue, with countenance sicklied o’er with thought—as to the most cunning calumny b ecan hurl against the hated “Trade.” Asa youth he blossoms forth at.“bun scrambles” and “muffin struggles,” beloved of little Bethel and the followers thereof, and charmeth the hearts of the feminines of the “ persuasion,” with weird wailings over the woes of that unfortunate young warrior, the Soldier of the Legion who died (overcome by sickly sentiment, we should fancy) at “Bingen on the Rhine,” Or he will bleat ' out feeble fustiness of an approved teetotal “ colour,” cribbed from back numbers of the Rechabite World , the Temperance Trumpet , or similar deliriously exciting periodicals devoted to the Cause. He has

an appetite for greasy confectionery wt i ih is positively appalling, and is as great a “ whale” at weak tea as the lady, who, according to Mr. Weller, senior, “ will want tapping before morning, Samivel, my boy.” The' temperance-youth is generally “ saved,’’ as he will tell you himself, with unctuous and fallacious conceit, and is apt, in his workshop or office, to start up tragically when any unlucky wight droppeth the common or garden “ damn,” and give vent to remarks which at - Little Bethel are called “ improving.” In his office the youth is seldom popular, being given to sneakish,. prying-out of the petty , faults of his fellows, and to carrying a full, and' sometimes highly-varnished* account of the same to the “ Boss,” with, probably, the idea of ingratiating himself in. that person’s favour. As he. gets up to manhood, he joins the Little Bethel choir, and flirts in a tame cat, mawkish sort of way with the feminine members thereof. These—sisters in the Lord, he is given to' calling them—he escorts home.after “ practice” ; hence, in some cases, deplorable “ giddiness,” and embarrassing consequences—but that, as Rudyard Kipling hath it, “is another story." By the time he is. 25 he is about the most vapid, unhealthy creature, both in min'd and body, that anyone could wish to see. He'indulges in no manly sorts—hodling football ungodly, tennis worldly ..whilst the cold tub he shuns like poison, mainly because he is lazy, and, secondly, perhaps, that he considers cold water only fit to drink. As for indoor amusement-?—dancing" he shuns, as “ an invention of the Evil One;” cards are the “Devil’s .playthings;” and his main recreation is holding forth at the Debating Society which is run by his church, and at which he and his fellows beplaster each other with the rancid butter of mutual flattery. He gets a little further on in years, and becomes more and more of a shining light in the great teetotal mutual.admiration society. He is a Grand Worthy Chief Something or Other in the . Good Templars, and garbs himself twice a month in purple sasheo, with much tinsel gilt, in the way of stars and buttons, all of which he calls “Our Regalia.” He attends his lodge meeting with as great an air of mystery as that of a newly-made Freemason, and on certain festive occasions,, such as the public: reception of a Governor, or similar foolish “ function,”.he disports himself in full fig, and marches with conscious pride at the head of his fellow devotees of the Teetotal Fetish. About thirty a desire for extended celebrity sometimes overtakes him, and having learned by rote several of the orations of the “ world-famous Gough,” he reels off to a scanty audience, in a dingy hall, in some dingy back street, the catch-penny claptrap of tne Yankee spouter. After a little practice, he gains sufficient confidence to speak at the open-air meetings held on Saturday nights ac street corners. Here, in company with other young- men, seeking after notoriety—and cheap advertisement—and with - parsons of the tub-thumping order, and such like human stuff, he wallows in bad grammar and worse logic, abuses all hotelkeepers as sons of Satan and fore-doomed to a permanent residence in-Sheol, and generally makes a public ass and a nuisance of himself. By this time he is more bilious, more unhealthy looking than'ever, but he is so godly and pious that his employers think the world of him. He would like to stand for the ’Ouse, as he calls it, but. there are clever wire-pullers, about as genuine in their temperance fervour as he is, who shrewdly make use of him and his fellows, but always succeed in elbowing them out of any possible candidature. "When about forty your temperance fanatic has become one of two things—either he is a genuine bigot, and becomes more ferociously fanatical than ever, or he shows himself in the colours of the Hypocrite. In the latter case, only too frequently, he sings—like the girl in Olivette —“ Now is the. time for disappearing,” and, "collecting all his cash and all that of other people that- he can conveniently iay his hands.on, he deserts Hs wife and children and elopes to " Australia with the best-favoured daughter of. “ Little Bethel” that he can manage to induce to follow his fortunes. In Australia he changes his name, poses as the mosc godly of men, denounces wicked' papers which scoff at The Cause, andstatfts as a professional tem-.. perance lecturer, living comfortably upon the crowds who fill the collection boxes at his lectures “ Down with the Drink Devil,” and other discourses of thesame edifying andinteUectualcharacter, . : ;Nbmo. .■