A Frenchman’s Adventure.

Fair Play, Volume I, Issue 21, 1 May 1894, Page 25

A Frenchman’s Adventure.

(Written for 4 Fair Play.’)

“ Hallo Monsieur! I haven’t seen you for an age. "Why, what on earth have you been doing with yourself ? Been playing 4 criquette’ again ?” “ Ah, my fren’, last week I was nearly annihilated ‘ 'orse riding,’ as you call it in English ; I am the perfec’ wreck you now b’old through au accursed fiend of a quadruped. I tell you all about it. Last week my liver have enlarged himself, and my doctor tell me I want exercise, ‘ ’orse-exercise,’ he say, ‘is the best thing you can ’ave ;’ so I go to a livery stable and say to them, 4 1 want a ’orse for the afternoon, oblige me with one of a bland and amiable disposition.’ 4 All right,' say the groom to me, 4 do you want a ’ack 1’ 4 No!’ I say to him, 4 did I require a ’ack,’ whatever that is I don’t know ; I should say so, 4 equip me a ’orse and ask no foolish questions 1’ ’’ In a few minutes they produco an immense animal of an aspect sinistere, and a colour that I cannot describe, for I nevaire ’ave seen it before. I say to the groom— 44 That monsieur ’ave the ’ed of a ’omicide !”

44 He ain't much to look at about the ’ed’, sure,” said the groom, 44 but lie’s got the disposition of a lamb and the haction of a hangel 1 Mount him, sir, and when you get into his stride you’ll find him as easy as an armchair 1” I ascend onto the top of this mountain, and the first thing he do he try to bite my foot. 44 Do you see what your lamb do '? ” I says to them.

“That’s only his play,” say the groom. “Nevertheless,” I exclaim, 44 it is the play of a cannibal 1 What is his name ? How do you address this angel ? ” 44 His full name’s John L. Sullivan,” say tho groom, 44 but we call him Sullivan for short.”

44 Alloyis Sullivan,” I say, and Sullivan suddenly start off and jam my leg against the door post. When he get into the street he proceed like a crab, sideways, and I think he not like any armchair that I can remember, but perhaps Ido not get into his stride!

I endeavour to correct him by pulling one of the guiding reins, but he objec’ to this, and nearly dash himself on to a tram; a little way further some ladies of my acquaintance' salute me, and with the greatest difficulte I manage to take off my ’at, but Sullivan objec’ to this also, and he heave himself up behind so that I am precipitate on to his neck ! To my indignation I see mauy of your countrymen laughing at me.

44 Ah, cruel ones! ” I say, 44 did you but know the agony I suffer you would cry rather than laugh.” Then I essay to make him return to the livery stables, for I prefer to lose the money I have pay for him to certain destruction, but he will not go back, he lash himself with rage, and though I am" a brav’ man, yet I confess he terrify me 1 Tomy ’orror, for I am as modest as I am brav', I notice my trousers have risen themselves above my knees, and the ’ole of my leg is expose to the gaze of the ladies. 44 Mon Dieu,” I say to myself,” I shall certainly go distracted unlesst his kill me first; ’’ But a’ that moment Sullivan ver’ nearly run over a policeman.”

44 Mind where you’re acoming to ? ’’ he say to me. 44 1 come no where,’’ I gasp, almost in tears. 44 This brigand he take me against my will l ” Arrest him, I beseech you!” The policeman do not hear me, for at that moment

Sullivan suddenly start off at full gallop to ze terror of all be’olders and I drop my ’at. After he gallop as long as ho choose, he stop, then he rush down a right-of-way with the violence of on avalanche, and I am in ’opes he dash ilia brains out when he comes to tho end, but he do not, on the oontrniro, he stop with the greatest abruptness, and I am again pveoipi* tate on to liis neck. This timo my unhappy nos© bled | Looking oyer the backyard fonces I seek for assistauco, and a lady washing ask me what for I have tho indolence to stare at her. “ Madame,” I exclaim, “ on tho honor of a Frenchman, I am not insolent; I swear it. This cursed ’orse that I have the misfortune to ride ’ave rush up this right-of-way without my consent. Send your husband to my succour, and lam grateful to you for the rest of my life! ”

Then her ’usband come out with a ’oavy stick, and ho hit Sullivan a blow on his 'omicide’s ’od that astonish him, I glvo jou my word, and he commence to rotiro backwards as fust as he can, for he have not room to revolve himself.

“ ’lt him again, my fren’," I say, and rovonge mo. 44 1 caro not a damn if you kill him.’’

So the 'ußband hit him auothairo prodigious blow, and call him a “ bloeding-camol,” a word I novaire before hoar in your language, but Sullivan comprehend it, for ho commonco to rotrograde with the greatest celerity until ho got back to tho street again. Tins lamb of tho livery stablos then take mo out miles and miles towards Kilbirnio, though I desiro earnestly to return, also he insist to follow a cart full of ze Blinking skins of dead ammals. I know not for how far, but lam noarly stifled with tho horrible effluvia, and whon I attempt to urgo him past this appalling stench, ho explode with passion, ho plungo himseif until I lour I get an internal injury ! “ Malodorous one, 1 ’ I say to him, “ thou nrt certainly possessed witli a devil! ” . After that the cart turn off the roud and go through a gate into a paddoque, as you call it, and Sullivan, not yot having 'ad sufficient of the terrifique smell, follow it. Whon he got on tho grass, I know not why, but it makes him to bound with rage.

“Why art thou angered, my lib’boy?” I say to him, rest tranquille, my chile, I have not injured thee I" but ho j !? e ash hia teeth » h e shake his 'ed in his fury, and I thmk he most assuredly was possosa’ with more devils than one 1 The man on the cart of putrid skins laugh at me. °

•* What are you laugh at, most daradost of atinking pigs ?” I scrim to him. * r 6 I havo not time to say more, for Sullivan suddenly start off like a thondrrebolt!

Ah I my friend, the inexpressible agony of that ride, shall I never forget it I In front of mo I see the most ’ighest fence I evaire see in all my life, and my Alligator propol himself like lightning to leap. I relinquish ray holding of tho guiding reins, and grasp tho saddle with the utmost tenacity, with both my ’andat—he orrivo at it!—suddenly any how* decide ho not to jomp, and I fly through the air like an arrow and am dashod to tho earth on tho othaire side of the fence! When I come out of my swoon, I see Sullivan looking at mo. Go’ome Brigand!’ I shout. Away thou lover of stinks, find thine own way back to tho slaughteryard at which thou hast tliy den, for nevaire again will I approach!’ Uith an agony undescribable I walk to the nearest tram station, and take my way back to Wellington. On my arrival I write to the livery stable, I havo a copy of the letter in rnv poquette. Attend! I read it to you “Monsieur, — 44 Nex time I require a tigere, I come to you; should I want a horse I go elsewhere! I leave you Man-eater at Kilbirnio to his own devices.

44 1 salute you, “ Alphonso D——B."