Whanaungatanga works best within families

Tu Tangata, Issue 35, 1 April 1987, Page 35

Whanaungatanga works best within families

Na Rakapa Sturm

N G A WHANAU

The first of a two part look at family relationships

It has been suspected that most people have been asked the question “How’s the family?” Usually the reply is “fine” or “good”.

We all want our children to make something good of their lives. We want them to be in control of their lives. While our children are with us, we are the most stabilising influence in their lives.

What can Maori parents do to strengthen their family bonds? The basic needs that Maori children seek from their parents in a nurturing environment are

a) that your child is loved and lovable; b) feelings of a worthwhile being with the feelings of making sound decisions.

Every child is a unique human personality with changing moods and needs.

With the holistic view of health that Maoris perceive as vital to our feelings of well being in all its phases, we can apply the same principles to the family. Taha wairua can be the most important overall influence in a strong family relationship, always remembering charity begins at home, and the important golden rule “Do unto others as we would have them do unto us”, is as meaningful today as ever before.

Living by the Golden Rule is intended to be done seven days a week not just on Sunday and to be used in every relationship at home with our loved ones and at work as well. Keeping our priorities as God first, family second, career third, somehow keeps life in harmony. While everyone is valuable as a person, the most important people in our lives are families and friends.

A study was taken by a psychologist in the USA on scores of families and from that survey what makes a family close, these dynamics were noted.

Mutual appreciation These families express a great deal of appreciation for each other. They make each other feel good about themselves.

Time spent together These families enjoy each other and spend a great deal of time together at meals, at work, at recreation; But it doesn’t just happen. They structure their lives so they could be together.

Good communication Strong families spend a lot of time talking with each other. They listen well conveying respect to each other, and they get conflict out in the open. They may fight, but they share feelings about other ways to deal with a problem and find a solution best for everyone.

Commitment Strong families are deeply committed to the family group and to promote one another’s happiness and welfare. They invest much time and energy in the family. When life outside gets too hectic they must slow down and list their activities. Then they cut some to free time for their families.

Religious orientation This confirms research of the past 40 years showing religion is related to marriage and successful family relationship. More than merely going to church, which most families in this study did, these families shared a spiritual lifestyle. Awareness of a higher power helped them to be more patient, more forgiving, quicker to get over anger.

Ability to deal with crises Even in the darkest situation they manage to see some positive element and to focus on it. They’re able to unite instead of being fragmented by problems.

Imitation Your child’s habits can be largely determined by the example of the parents. “What you are thunders so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” How we behave may do much more than anything else to shape

our children’s character and behaviour. They probably won’t even strive to achieve unless they’ve seen someone succeed. They won’t develop a conscience unless they see morality at home. We increase the probability that they will smoke or perform other unhealthy acts if we commit them ourselves. Modelling can help to guarantee that certain behaviour will or will not occur in the first place. No one can serve two masters. No one functions well under double standards. The “monkey see, monkey do” principle demonstrates children are astute observers. Many undesirable behaviours get their start in this way. Many adult problems have their roots in childhood, habits acquired by imitating their parents. The principle of imitation will go a long way in developing desirable behaviour. There is no way around it; if you want to have your child adhere to certain moral and religious beliefs you must do it yourself. Dorothy Law Nolte summarises well.

Children learn what they live

If a child lives with criticism he leams to condemn

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.