The second farewell

Tu Tangata, Issue 14, 1 October 1983, Page 32

The second farewell

...In a dimly lit kitchen, I sit in the col

Did. I wait.

I can’t stand the waiting. I always hate to wait though. Amidst the flowers on the patterned \ second hand on the kitchen clock. Ten past twelve. I try to write a poerr

wallpaper, the only moving thing is the m.

how many nights like this have spent so sad and blue too many to remember too many without you

! I

I sign my name beneath it, screw up 1 turns over in bed and it creaks. Silence. I check to see if they’re all right.

the page and throw it away. One of the kids

my little boy my heart my little girl my reason

...tata ana au kite tangi, engari, Keiit

ite mahana au....

the kids are fast asleep now and I am all alone the clock is striking one now I wish that you’d come home.

it’s nothing new to me yes everything is just the same no nothing’s new to me—-

>ame

I think of other happy times of holding hands and kissing and then of not so happy times of wanting and of missing

a car goes past but it’s not you any my heart skips a beat only the cats and dogs are about along the darkened street

1

I must have dozed off, because I am £ I open the front door and you come ir ask no questions, because of the lies I go to bed. You are already asleep. And again I wait... for sleep to come.

i awakened by the sound of knocking. in. You smell of beer. You are drunk. And I 3 1 might be told. I turn the lights off.

3

...Kei te tino makariri au....

Morning. I always wake early. I watch you sleep.

this man who lies beside me no’ unashamed in his nakedness

ow sleeps

unaware I am looking at him and 1 turns and scratches his leg

I how he

this man who lies beside me no

low

was once the boy I loved to be with much older now than he was then

a boy who loved a girl now a woman who loves this man this man who lies beside me now

It is warm in our bed. I move and you open your eyes and smile at me. Suddenly it’s as if last night never happened and I love you. I leave you sleep. ...already I start to feel the cold.

I take care of the kids. So beautiful So innocent, my ‘sunshine’ and my ‘lollypops’ He takes her hand and together they go out to play.

...he tamariki iti, e tupu he kanapa te mura....

I sit in the messy kitchen and contemplate smoking a cigarette. I decide not to. The smells of your bath linger in the house. Soap, shaving cream and you’ve put some of my perfume on. I never ask where you’re going to, I used to, but I don’t anymore. I ask you to stay a while, but you keep looking at the clock. Soon you are gone.

Goose bumps appear on my bare arms. I go to close the window. The kids are outside playing. They are laughing, they’re happy. Perhaps that is enough.

this feeling I have deep down inside that not even a smiling face can hide

I know you are leaving but I don’t know when I know you are leaving me again

And I don’t know why or for how long and again I wonder what went wrong

•I begin cleaning the house and three hours later I finish. Lunchtime. I feed the kids and put them to sleep. I sit in the sun and play the guitar.

...e anake au, e moke moke au....

Night. Eight o’clock. I write another poem that no-one will ever read.

Sun don’t shine on me no more Sunshine gone away Birds don’t sing to me no more Music’s gone away

always raining on me now raining all the time Dark clouds all around me now They won’t go away

Once I had the sunshine and all the birds to hear Now I just got rain and clouds and lots and lots of time.

...e tino makariri i tenei p 0....

I sleep.

Don’t want you to cry for me when I’m gone, Just want you to realise what went wrong

Don’t want you to miss me when I’m far away Just want you to realise why I couldn’t stay

Don’t want you to be sad lonely or blue, Just want you to realise why I’m leaving you

Don’t want you to reach for me when I’m not here Just want you to realise I’m no longer near

And when you’re lonely and you’re feeling down and when you need me I won’t be around

we 11... it’s getting late now I’ll put down the pen and maybe tomorrow I’ll leave you again

I am shivering It is very cold. I sleep with the children They make me warm.

...taku taimaiti tane taku kotiro taku aroha, taku oranga

Whack! I fall. I taste blood. Grasping my knees, I roll up into a ball. I feel the pain in my side. I try to protect my head. I don’t want to cry out in case the neighbours hear. I pray stop it please make him stop it. I’m dizzy, I hurt. A final shove. I lie crumpled on the floor. I remain there. Too afraid to move.

...Ka tangi au...

I check in the mirror for bruises

Bit swollen, right cheek. I’ll say cupboard door. Not too bad this time.

Already you are snoring. What did I say?

I start writing.

Sun Rose

Dawn Broke Morning came I wake.

Sunlight streaming through the opened curtains. Promises of a beautiful day.

But for who?

They are still asleep.

Bits of me and bits of him put together another time a better time?

I look to see if the swelling has gone down. It has, but my eyes are red and puffy from crying. He is still asleep.

The kids need changing and feeding, the beds need making I do these things.

I smell cigarette smoke. He calls.

When?

today.

I walk out of the room.

I try to feel, I can’t or I won’t. It starts to rain. ...he roimata ua, he roimata wahine.*

one reminds me of the other teardrops and rain little drops of water running down the window pane little drops of water expressing sorrow pain one reminds me of the other teardrops and rain.

The house is quiet. The kids are sitting still. You touch them. You kiss them. You say goodbye to them. Tears come now as I watch you leave. Have I lost? I am sure I lost a long time ago.

* Aileen E. Brougham and A.W. Reed in ‘Maori Proverbs p!ls, ‘Tears’.