SLAG

Rip It Up, Issue 181, 1 August 1992, Page 33

SLAG

ATTENTION DRUG-RUMOUR-MON-GERS!

Grebo lead singer and drumkit diver KIRK COBAIN (sounds like COCAINE) of NIRVANARAMA this week SLAMMED DRUG RUMOURS put about by DRUG-RUMOUR-MONGERS, namely those which state or imply that KIRK is a SMACK ADDICT.

"It PISSES me off," said KIRK in a CAREFULLY WORDED STATEMENT. “It makes me feel like the KID at SCHOOL who gets PICKED ON all the time, or the SCHOOL SLUT -1 always had sympathy for her." : • KIRK said the MONGERED DRUG RUMOURS were NOTHING BUT RUMOURS callously MONGERED in the interests of MAKING HEADLINES - presumably in the SCHOOL NEWSPAPER. But if KIRK does not DABBLE in BAD SUBSTANCES then WHAT was the stuff bought in KING’S CROSS that made him so SICK before Nirvana’s NZ tour?

Hey man, what’s in that BAG? It’s SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH C — CASH!

Yes it was SMOOTH SKIING all the way for local lads the EXPONENTS on their Queenstown tour.

Jolly JORDAN and his musical mates were playing to PUBS PACKED TIGHTER than last night’s SNOWFALL! The only things GREENER than the GIRLS in the AUDIENCE were the DOLLARS

being taken at the door.

But DISASTER STRUCK as NIGHT FELL on the DIAMOND SLOPES. The lads’ MOUNTAINOUS EARNINGS of LOVELY LOLLY were packed into a SKI BAG and delivered to the MANAGER’S ROOM.

But then, NOT WISHING TO DISTURB the manager, the DOZY DELIVERER left the BAG OF BOOTY sitting RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR! The LOOT didn’t have a SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL!

It was STOLEN right from under the band’s NOSES. (And stealing something from under JORDAN’S NOSE is NO MEAN FEAT.) Now, FRIENDLY SNOWMAN ELVIS wants YOU to HELP.

If the EXPONENTS are playing near you, PAY to SEE them so they can AFFORD to buy some NEW CLOTHES for JORDAN. And IF YOU KNOW WHO TOOK THE MONEY, BEAT THE FUCKING CRAP OUT OF THEM.

And what was all the SCREAMING and YELLING at the BLACK CROWES concert? Was it the GIRLIE ROCK AUDIENCE screaming for their GEE-TAR HEROES from the SOUTH of AMORIKA?

Was it the FAWNING ROCK CRITICS saying "this band are the quintessential distillation of wild excessive minor sth

chords etc etc etc..” - ?

Was it the LEAD SINGER trying to SQUEEZE INTO HIS TROUSERS? NO.

The SCREAMING AND YELLING was coming from BACKSTAGE after the concert. And it was coming from the BAND. For the BLACK CROWES were being ATTACKED by their AUSSIE SUPPORT ACT the BABY ANIMALS.

It all STARTED when the lead singer said the BABY ANIMALS could NOT ROCK because “THEIR SINGER DOESN’T HAVE ANY BALLS.” This of course is because the LEAD SINGERofthe Baby Animals isaWOMAN and WOMEN of course DO NOT HAVE BALLS - EXCEPT in NEW ORLEANS where the MAJORITY of the women are in fact MEN DRESSED UP AS GIRLIES.

But the lead singer DID NOT INTEND his remark to be a statement of fact. He WAS ONLY SAYING IT TO BE NASTY. The ANGRY AUSSIES deigned that to be a FAIR DINKUM SEXIST REMARK and decided to EXPRESS THEIR ANGER by THROWING THINGS at the SOUTHERN LADS. BIFF! BANG! WALLOP!

And so the BABY ANIMALS were THROWN from the backstage party. ELVIS SAYS: the whole thing is a MISLEADING EPISODE.

ANYONE who joins a RARK BAND, wears their HAIR LONG and DANCES AROUND THE STAGE LIKE A CHIMPANZEE ON UPPERS is a GIRLIE ANYWAY. If you want to be a MAN then FUCK OFF and JOIN THE ARMY. ROGER SHEPHERD SEES THE LIGHT As the BRAINS behind the FLYING NUN label MR ROGER SHEPHERD is the STAR

of the NEW ZEALAND TUNELESS WHINERS IN DOC MARTENS scene. "SIGN 'EM UP” SHEPHERD has almost FIVE BILLION DUNEDIN BANDS on his books and now ROLLS LAUGHING IN MONEY, dividing his day between TENNIS MATCHES, PINK GINS and NUDE SAUNA RUB-DOWNS with JAPANESE FILM STARS.

But there’s ONE THING that Roger CAN’T DO. And that’s FLY.

Yes, record boss Roger discovered this NASTY TRUTH at the worst possible time: when he was FALLING THROUGH THE AIR.

DIY department head Roger was WORKING on the ROOF of his MANSION when he SLIPPED.

Suddenly the handsome thirtysomething year-old found himself FALLING FASTER than a VERLAINES RECORD IN THE NATIONAL CHARTS.

Thinking quickly, Roger called out for CHRIS KNOX to come and LIE UNDERNEATH HIM so that he would have something SOFT to LAND ON. But it was TOO LATE.

Roger’s HEAD HIT the ground with a THUD. (NB: at least it was not a sampled thud - this was a REAL ACOUSTIC THUD with EXPRESSION and SOUL.) Fortunately Roger has recovered and IS BACK TO NORMAL. OR IS HE?

In a national statement to press, Roger announced that the new TECHNO HITS OF FLYING NUN would be out soon. He also requested that ANYONE coming up to see him in his OFFICE would be asked to wear a TIE and a NICE JOB INTERVIEW SUIT, and that everyone in STRAITJUNKET FATS has to get a DECENT JOB AND A HAIRCUT.

Roger also said that CHRIS KNOX is recording a RAP ALBUM and the BATS were working on new material with PAULA ABDUL. “I think it’s about time we asked our artists to consider what the people of New Zealand would like to hear," Roger explained. "There’s nothing Kiwis enjoy more than a good tune - it’s about time we moved away from all this depressing stuff we've become known for.

“It’s all very well being earnest and saying what we feel, but there comes a time when we just have to say, dash it all, I'm going to go out there and show Mr and Mrs Punter a jolly good time! "What’s wrong with Martin Phillips hosting Face the Music, for instance?” Roger said he was organising deportment classes for Look Blue Go Purple, and would ask Fiona McDonald to be sponsored by the American hamburger chain.

“All it will entail is Fiona coming on stage before concert and saying a few words about this week’s two and a half beef pounder special,” Shepherd says.