FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3148, 15 July 1914, Page 61

FUN AND FANCY.

“What a lovely complexion Mrs Filmgilt has!” “That isn’t a complexion,” replied Miss Cayenne. “That’s a disguise !” “Would you like to get rid of your old typewriter, sir?” “Not just yet. I only married her last week.” “Funny, ain’t it?” “What’s funny new?” “Peop o always sling mud at a fellow that has a lot of dust.” Little Willie; ‘Father, where do gaoltirds come from?” Parent:. “They are raised by larks bats, and swallows, my sen.” “My husband and I have never quai relied.” “What a perfectly angelic disposition he must have!” purred her dearest friend. Teacher: “What can you say of the iMcdes and Persians?” Young Australian; “I never kept track of those minor league teams.” v its,” he announced. “What’s the use of going into battle without any ammunition?” she asked . “He certainly has an eye to business.” “He has?” “Yes, when his table d’hote restaurant failed he advertised red ink for salt, cheap ” “Are you better off for getting married?” “Yes, formerly I had good quarters.” “And now?” “Well, now I have a better half,” Pompous Lady : “Must I put this stamp on myself?” Post Office Clerk; “Well, you can if you like, but it’s usual to put it on the letter.” Waiter : “I have devilled kidneys, pigs’ f(el, and calves’ brains.” Diner: “Have you? Well, what are your troubles to me? 7 came hero to cat.” The “Swanky” One: “I’m smoking a terrible lot of cigars lately.” The Other (bored to distraction): “If that’s one of them, they are a terrible lot.”

Sunday School Teacher : “What do you understand by suffering for righteousness’ sake Little Girl; “Please, miss, it means having to come to Sunday school.” Cholly; “Shall we go to the East End Theatre and take a look at the ‘Great Unwashed’ ?” Algv: “No; let us go to the opera and see the ‘Great Undressed.’ ”

Mrs Gossip: “Mv husband says he always does better work when he’s thinking of me.” Her Neighbour:,“l notice he made a very good job of beating the carpets.” Squire. “But the poor are no longer ground beneath the iron heel of the oppressor.” Yokel: “No. In this age of luxury the oppressors wear rubber heels.” Scott: “What’s the difference between a poor man and a millionaire?” Matt: “Yes, I know all about it. One worries over his next meal and the other over his last ” '

She: “The mere thought of the furs which you have promised mo makes me feel warm.” He: “And the mere thought of their cost makes cold shivers run down my back.”

Aunt Mary (horrified): “Good gracious, Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarettes?” Harold (calmly); “She’d have a fit. They’re her cigarettes.”

Shopkeeper: “Yes I want a good, bright boy, to be partly in the shop and partly outdoors.” Applicant: “That’s all right; but what becomes of me when the door slams?”

-Lord- Slopay: “This horse I had of you, John, is alb right, but he doesn’t hold his head high enough.” Dealer: “Ob, that’s ’is pride, m’lud. ’lll’ll ’old ’is ’cad up when ’e’s paid for.” . “You are always talking about the high cost of living.” “Well, that’s about all I hear at home.” “From .your wife?” “No, from my wife’s father. We are living with him, you know.” Lady to New Vicar: “We do enjoy your sermons so much; you explain everything so clearly to us. I can assure you, before you came into the village we hardly knew what sin was.”

“My time,” said the multi-milionaire, “is worm £2O a minute.” “Well,” answered the friend casually, “let’s go out this afternoon and play two or three thousand pounds’ worth of golf.” Dissatisfied Lodger: “And I know something about apartments, Mrs Soop. You don’t suppose I’ve lived in them twenty years for nothing, do you?” Mrs Soop: “Hi shouldn’t be at all surprised.” “You don’t seem enthusiastic about elevating the stage.” “No,” said the theatrical manager. ' “The more you try to elevate the stage, the more depressed the box-office seems to become.”

—Ho always did possess a soft heart. This is how he wrote: —“Dear Mrs Harrison,— Your husband cannot come home to-day because his bathing suit was washed away. P.S. —Your husband was inside it.”

Voice of Architect (from below); “Hoy, there, Mike! Shift that Romancsqucr capital to the front of the Egyptian doorway, and use the Gothic one on the Renaissance column. It’ll make, it look a deal more classy.”

Boarder: “I found something in my bedroom last night, madam, and ” Landlady (indignantly): “There’s no such thing in the house. You must have brought it in with you.” Boarder: “Ah, perhaps I did—it was a sovereign ." Prospective Bridegroom (to verger): “T intend getting married shortly. Please toll me how many Sundays arc necessary for the publication of the banns.” Verger: “Three clear Sundays, young man—the same as for any ordinary execution.” A boy who had been absent from school for several days returned with his throat carefully swathed, and -presented this note to his teacher: “Please don’t let my eon learn any German to-day; his throat is so sore he can hardly speak English.” “Have you purchased your now car yet, Mrs Noorich?” asked the visitor. “No, Mrs Smithers, I ain’t. I can't make up ray- mind whether to get a gasoline car or a limousino car. Maybe you can tell me—does limousino smell as bad as gasoline?” inquired the lady. „ —“Why do you insist upon having the biggest share of the pudding, Plarry?” asked the mother of a small boy. _ “Isn’t your older brother entitled to it?” “No, he isn’t,” replied the little follow. “He was eating pudding two years before I was born.”

Puzzled Diner (to .restaurant waiter): “What have you got for dinner?” Waiter: “ Roastheeffricassedchickpnstcwedlambhashed baked andfriedpotatoosjampuddingmilk tea and coffee.” Puzzled Diner; “Give me tne third, fourth, fifth sixth, eighteenth, and nineteenth syllable^.” “So,” said the visitor, "you intend to become a physician when you grow up. ’ “Yes. sir.” said the youth. “And why have you decided upon the medical profession?” “Well, a doctor seems to be the only man that keeps on getting paid ■whether his work is satisfactory or not.” Mistress: “Well, Rosalie, did you hav^

the tooth filled?” Bridget: “I did, mum.” Mistress: “And what did the dentist fill it with—gold or amalgam?” Bridget: “I don t know just what it was, mum; hut thunder and lightning, mum.” Doctor: “ifour husband, madam, is suffering from nervous prostration.” Anxious Wife: “Indeed, sir?” Doctor: “And- ha needs something to quieten him. What is his business?” Anxious Wife: “He’s a policeman, sir.” Doctor: “Well, slip a shilling into his hand, when he isn’t looking, every two hours during the night, and I’ll call again in the morning. Good day!” One day a Scottish boy and an English boy, who were fighting, were separated by their respective mothers with difficulty, the Scottish boy, though the smaller, being far the most pugnacious. “What garred ye Cchfc a big laddie like that for?” said the mother, as she wiped the blood from his nose. “And I’ll right him again,” said the boy, “if he says Scotsmen wear kilts because their feet are too big to get into their trousers.” There recently went into a fashionable shop the daughter of a man whose wealth has been acquired within very recent yeara. The young woman was disposed to patronise the shopman, and rejected a number of “classy” slippers he produced for her approval. Finajly she said; “I think, perhaps, I shall take these two pairs. But Louis XV heels are too high for me. Give mea size lower—or, stay, perhaps Louis XIII will be high enough.” Complications are bound to arise where ; a deaf man is concerned. The one in this story was being married, and the parson asked the usual question, “Do you take this woman for your lawful wife?”' “Eh?” said | the deaf man. “Do you take this woman j for your lawful wife?” This time a bit i louder. The groom seemed to get angry, j “Oh, I don’t know,” he said; Tshe ain’t I so awful. I’ve seen wus than her that didn’t have as much money.” „ j --Casually, by chance, unsought, they met in the railway carriage. He was a young man, his companion a hoary oldster. “So you arc a teacher?” remarked the talkative veteran. “I’ll wager you had to pass a pretty stiff exam.” “Yes, indeed,’* replied the instructor of the young. “And what were the subjects?” inquired the inquisitive passenger. “Well, we were examined in psychology, integral calculus, mathematical astronomy, polemic divinity, metaphysical analysis, “and Greek, Latin, French, and German versification.” “Indeed! And for what position were yon striving?” “Teacher of the infants, sir.”