FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2429, 3 October 1900, Page 56

FUN AND FANCY.

— Dolly: "Did that famous author send you his autograph, Polly?" Polly : "No ; but he kept mme — the mean, impudent thing '."

~— ■ "Don't j-ou ever worry, Billy?" "Never!" "How do you gel out of it?" "In the daytime I'm too busy, and at night I'm too sleepy."

— "8ally," said a fellow to a girl who had red hair, "keep away from me or you'll set me on fire." "No danger of that," said she; "you are too green to burn." •

— The mesnest man up to date is Sniftkinp. He .sold Jones a half interest in a cow, and then refused to divide the milk, maintaining that J ones owned the trout end.

— "So, kor, I wouldn't marry the , beet man on £?rtb." '• Oi ccuroo, you" know," ho tu-g'-d,. "that it is not the custom lor the bride to many <he bc 5r5 r man."

— Wife: "What shall J do, Hans? Baby is crying dreadfully becxu&e 1 won't let him pull the hair out of my boa."' Husband: "Thal/.< all right. Give him the cat "'

— Elderly ''icnt : "I am 80 >tar 0 old, young man, and [ don't o\er recollect tc.ling a lie." The Young ZVJun : "\Yr-11, yen can't expect jour memory to bo reliable at yotu- ago." — Airs Kidtl : "Why, WiLie, what arc you doing to Horace?" \Villie : "Playing doctor." AJrs Kidd: "But you are frightening him awfully." Willie: "Yes; I'm the doctor!"

— ''I presume you carry a memento of nome kind in that locket of youis?" "'Pieclsely; it is a lock of my husband's han-." ''But your husbancl is still alive.'" "Yes ; but his hair is all gone."

— "Wickwire: "Look here'! This is the fourth time this morning you have been in here asking for the price cf a meal."' Dismal Dawson : "Ye^, lam the absent-minded beggar, don't ye know !"

— "Whet? Fell downstairs? How did Jt happen?" "Why, you Fee, I started to go down, and my wife. said, 'J3e cprofnl, John!' And I'm not the man to be dictated to by yfiny woman, so down I went."

— ]Miso Fisher : "I really don't think I shall take part again in the theatricals; I always feel a^> though I were making a fool cf mypelf." Pilkins (who always says the wrong thing) i "Oh," everybody think,? that."

— W hen a young gentleman kisses his young lady_. she very naturally says : " Oh, Dick, the idea !" And fo, alpo naturally, he replies: "No, love, not the eye, dear, but the cheek, dear," which is perfectly true.

— After a quarrel vith his wife, who violently expressed a wish that he were dead, an [vi-hman said : "Oh, it's o widow you're wanting to be, is it? Bedad, I'll take a good care you're no widow as long a» I live !"

— An old lady was telling her grandchfdren about some trouble in Scotland, in the course of which the chief of her clan was beheaded. '"It was nao much of a head, to be sure," paid the good old lady, "but it was a sad loss to him." ' — ''I hope you will be lenient with me, my lord," raid the thief, as lie stood up to be sentenced, "I have a good many dependent on me for their support." "Children?" asked the judge. "No, your lordship ; police detectives."

— An Irishman having challenged a gentleman, who somehow forgot to keep the appointirput to fight the duel, met accidentally on the t-iiiiic day thf olYendins; party, and thus addressed him : "Well, sir. I rpet you this morning, and you did not turn up ; however, I am determined to meet you to-morrow morning, whether you coma or not." ■ — Papa: "By the way, who is the lady that bowed to us as wo left, ihe carriage?" Dorothy: '"Tne one with the black =ilk skirt, the rote petticoat, plaid f-ilk ■oai'-t, purple collarette with silver clasp, tan coat, blacky hat with purple tips, carrying ■a' silver-trimmed car<?-oa&e'i" Papa: "Yes."' Dorothy: "T don't know. I just caught a glimpse of her.''