THE ACQUIRED MANNER

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXVII, Issue 8612, 24 December 1913, Page 8

THE ACQUIRED MANNER

(By W. Pott Ridge, in “ Westminster Gazette.’') “ This," said Mrs Harper, appreciatively, “ sounds like a bit of all right.” Her husband winced, and she assumed that her compliments foil .short of his anticipations. “ What I mean to say is, we ain’t been altogether fed up with slices of luck since you “You and I,” he interrupted, appealingly, “ You and I.” “ Since 1 and you strolled into the register offico.” “The registrar’s.” “Of course, if it comes off it’s bound to make a difference,” she went on, “ and for one thing, Fred, you’ll hare to buy some more collars. You’ll be expected to wear a clean one every day now. Furthermore, you must bring your hands to mo every morning, and let me seo if your finger-nads are good enough to be looked at. Your mother tells me she had just the very same trouble with you when you was a child.” “ When you were a child,” he corrected. “ I’m speaking of the time when you was a child. Drink your coffee and get on with your sausages; you won’t bo so ratty when you’ve had your breakfast. By-the-bye, why didn’t you give mo the news last night? Somehow fancied you were extra quiet.” “ I decided,” ho replied, with austerity, “ that this present Sunday morning would give and supply one with a certain freedom and convenience for the discussion of the matter or subject.” His young wife smiled at him across the table. “No one can say,” sho remarked, “about my hubby that ' ho hasn’t been educated. He don’t always show it, but when he wishes to do so he can talk like a book. Like a volume,” sho added, with emphasis. “ Perhaps you are right.” He gave a short cough. “ The difficulty just now, my dear, is about you.” She rose quickly from her chair on the pretence that a newspaper lad could be heard offering wares from the roadway; returning, she mentioned at the door that a mistake had been made, and, whistling softly to indicate composure, went on to the garden at the back of the house. Geraniums that had seen their best days had to be snipped off, carnations, with an inclination to sprawl, were furnished with supports. Her husband, coming out ten minutes later, smoking a cigarette with the aid of a regal-looking holder, discovered her with a flushed countenance, and endeavoured to exhibit tact by offering a few remarks on" tho circumstance that flowers needed both sun and rain to enable them to show to advantage. Going into details, he exhibited a tendency to call the varieties by tho one title of Canterbury Bells. “You’re a reg’lar Cockney,” she said, with tolerance. “ Some day I must learn you tho diff’rent names of nil of ’em.” “ I have always been given to understand that you were brought up in the heart or centre of London.” “ None the worse for being born in Kentish Town road, I hope.” “ Morally, no. But, if one may eay so, intellectually, yes.” “ Come along,” ordered hie wife, sharply. “ You’ve got something oh what you call your mind and you’d better get it off. Let’s hear tho worst!” The worst (that might also bo looked upon as tho best) was, it appeared, that liis governor in tho West End proposed to look in at one o’clock that very day. Tho governor, a peculiar gentleman in some respects, had stated. as reason for calling, that ho wished to give Harper his decision in regard to tho application; the actual cause, it might bo assumed, was a desire to seo tho house, and especially to make the acquaintance of the wife. When a member of the staff was placed in charge of a branch establishment tho custom of tho firm was to ascertain something about his partner ; a case could bo recalled where an appointment was cancelled because tlie lady happened to be unable to resist tho attraction of alcoholic beverages. “Well,” said young Mrs Harper, defensi'vely, “I don’t drink.” “Perfectly aware of that, my dear. No ono knows it better than myself. But 't is in regard to other matters that you are defective. Your conversation lacks polish. Your behaviour is wanting in. refinement. Y r our general methods aro not what I call ladylike. It’s no pleasure to mo to point out your faults ” “Doesn’t seem to pain you to auy great extent.” “Go and start your preparation for tho mid-day meal,” he ordered, “and then wo wil 1 have a quiet hour, going over tho interview you will have to undergo. And I shall want you to look as high-class as you possibly can. Put on, tho very best clothes you’ve got, and, above all,” impressively, “above all, aspirate your aitches for all you’re worth.” In professional circles rehearsals sometimes lead to dispute and warm argument. On this occasion no one could have been more docile than tho leading lady; few have had an. easier task than tho stage manager. Sho was to speak of books and tho joys found from their companionship; of music and tho solaco gained from it in periods of leisure. Also, a general admiration for pictures was to be expressed, with an avowed preference for those that gave food for thought, grounds for deep reflection. “I think I’ve got the hang of it,” sho said.

Anything like colloquial expressions to be avoided, and ejaculations of an alarming nature to be omitted. The pleasure of instructing cancelled thoughts of time, and a smart scries of knocks came at the front door ere the lesson had finished. Young Mrs Harper was ordered to hasten up the stairs; instead, she Trent into the kitchen. “This is the, lady, sir, I have the honour to term my wife,’’ said Mr Harper. Ho frowned as she, bibaproned, re-entered the front room. “You must excuse her -being what the French call on deshabille, because —’’ “I know what a busy time Sunday morning is,” remarked the firm, shaking hands. “And your dinner smells so good that for two pins I’d ask you to let mo stay and have a bite.’* “It’s a roast leg o’ lamb,” said Mrs Harper, with no indication of the accent and deportment so carefully taught, “and it’s green peas, and it’s new potatoes, and it’s junket and cherries to follow, and although I say it as shouldn’t, it’s a meal that a king wouldn’t turn up his nose at.” “What the wife intends to say, sir. is that if you will take a seat at our , humblo bat’ hospitable board, and- ac-

oept a share or portion of the modest good . But I assume, sir, tlvait vour remark was only intended as a. suggestion of a humorous nature.” ‘■Never more serious in all my life. Do you mind, Mrs Harper?” “Take it or leave it,” she said. “Jest as you like. There’s oceans for tho three of us, and if you don’t pass up your plate for a second helping I shall bo disappointed.” “In other words, sir ” “I’m going to accept tho invitation,” said tho firm, “and you mustn't mind because I invited myeoif. I’m like that. If you had refused to iet me stay on I shouldn’t have blamed you.” “My dear,” said Harper, authoritatively, “tho repast can bo served in this apartment.” “I’m going to have mine in tie uitchen,” said the firm. Tho firm left at half-past four, and tho host, instructed to give company so far as tho rank of taxi-cabs, boi out with tho resolve to obliterate the effects conveyed by conversation of the afternoon. He lost no time in offering sincere and heartfelt apologies. “A sensible, unaffected young woman,” interrupted the firm. ‘‘Just exactly what is wanted, Harper, -bo compensate for your faults. You esn have the job No, no, don’t express your obligations to me. You must thank her 1”