Comic Cuttings.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2279, 22 September 1899, Page 6

Comic Cuttings.

"Directly after I get up. I carn't go earlier, can I?"

Many people settle th< lr debts like clockwork—tick, tick, tick.

He : " I wonder what she meant by telling me he could never marry a man?" She : "Perhaps she said it to encourage you."

Never Happy.—"What makes .Mrs. Faultfinder look so unhappy?" "Her husband spends all his evenings at home, now, and she has nothing to complain about."

A Good Time.—"My Wife has been away at the seaside for six weeks."

"How did she enjoy herself?" "1 really do not know, but I enjoyed myself immensely."

The Artist (referring to the technique) "Looks a lot like Millais, doesn'l it '.'

The Lady (who is not satisfied with her portrait) : "It may do. I've never seen him, but it certainly isn't like me."

A little girl saying " good night" after dessert. "Why don't you kiss your mother, dear ?" asked one of the guests.

" Oh, I'm not to kiss mother when she's painted."

Magistrate : " And why did you roam about in the streets during the night ?" Defendant : " I was afraid to go home."

.Magistrate : " Are you married ?" Defendant (joyfully) : " Oh, your worship, 1 suppose you know what it is. too."

Ethel: "What did papa say, Algie, when you asked him for me?" Algie Softe: "Your papa, darling, is a very naughty man, and I would not repeat his language in your hearing for anything."

"Look at that foolish Mr. Baker out on a day like this without an umbrella. Is he crazy ?" " I'm afraid he is. Let's hurry on. I don't want to meet him." " Why not ?" "He may recognise this umbrella. It's his."

Middle-aged Novice: "T'm just off for a tour in the country- 'biking'' nil thi* way. It'll be four wetks before I'm back in my tlat again." Candid friend: "Ah < Met it won't be four hours before you'ie Hat on your back again !"

" Jim," said an honest coal dealer

" make that ton of coals two hundredweight short. It is for a poor, delicate widow, and she will have to carry all of \ up two flights of stairs ; I don't, want to overtax her strength."

"Haven't you forgotten something), sir?" hinted the waiter as the dinner was leaving the table. "Ah, >vs, thanks; I' believe I have," And the benevolent diner took a shilling from under his plate and, with a pleasant smile, put it back In. l his pocket.

Tom : " Skelter gave his seat in the tramear to a lady this morning." Dick : " Oh, come now ; don't impose on my credulity." Tom: "It's a fact, lie told me afterwards that there was a hole in the window at the hack of him, and he was afraid of the draught."

Bruce: "What have you got that little piece cvf red ribbon tied on your watch for ?" Spruce : "My wife put it there for me to remember something for her." Bruce : " Remember what '.'" Spruce : "Well, that's just what I can't remember."

Jjetft-handed Praise.—Jones has come' into Brown's, ajid is looking about tin* walls. Suddenly he pauses before a' sketch. "I say, Harry," he says, "where: did you get that?" "Why, 1 got it out of my head." "Well, it's lucky for your head that you got it out."

Wanted, a Repa.rtee.—"Please, sir, give me a penny !" "You shouldn't beg. my boy. Why should I give you my money any more than you should give me yours?" "I ain't got no money, and you 'ave !" "Ah, but suppose you'd got a penny and 1 hadn't !" "Then I'd give mine to you !"

The Way to Learn.—The beggar hadt a sign up, " Deaf and Dumb," and thrt passing philanthropist stopped in fron'i of him. " I'd like to give this man something," he said to his companion, " bull hew am I to know he is deaf and dumb '.'"

" Read the sign, sir," whispered the beggar cautiously.

Good Little Boy (who has been looking up copy-book maxims): "Say. Cissy, 'Farly to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,' don't it?" Cissy: "I've heard so." G. L. B.r "Well, I mean to go In for that little lot —get up at 1 every morning. Carn't rise earlier, can I?" C: "Well, no; and at what time will you go to bed?" G. L. B.:,

" How much will you take for that beastly accordion ?" demanded the redfaced man who had thrust his head out' <if the second story window. "11 wouldn't do you any good to buy it, mister," answered the dejected musician on the sidewalk. " I've six more of 'em at home." And he went on playing the " Honeymoon March."

One business man met another in the street. The second man seemed downeast, and had a look as if lie were somewhat ashan td of himself. " What is the mattei' '.'" asked the first man. " Well, to put it briefly," said the other, " I have been speculating in stocks." •• Indeed '.' Were you a ' bull' or a bear' '!" " Neither—l was an ass."