Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 19, 23 January 1926, Page 17

Wit and Humour

"I suppose your landlord ask* a lot for the rent of this place?" "A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week. ;<

Pretty girl (in art gallery): ,'1 believe you nave a very beautiful Constable 5^ here?'? New attendant: "Dunno, miss, unless it's 'Erbert 'ere—'c ain't bad looking!" He (admiringly): "You are a girl after my own heart." , She: "Thank you; but I hope you are not a man after mine, because it's otherwise engaged."

Youngster: "Sixpen'orth of castor oil, please." Druggist: "The tasteless kind, I presume? 7'

Youngster: "No, sir; it's for father."

Husband (viewing Niagara): "What a stupendous sight!" Wife: "'John, are you sure you turned off the water in the bathroom before we left home?" m

Wife: "Are you sure you caught this fish?" Gayfellow: "Of course.^ Wife: "It smells, very strong." Gayfellow: "Strong? I should say it was. It nearly pulled me overboard."

"Is this play going to be one of those improper dramas?" inquired the discreet friend. "I don't think so," answered Miss Cayenne. "The audience is exceptionally small."

Dealer: "Did I understand you to say that the parrot I sold you yesterday uses improper language?" Cultured customer: "Unbearable! Why, yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

A few days after a farmer had placed his two children in a school a book agent called on him and said, "Now that your children go to school you ought to buy them an encyclopedia.". "Buy them an encyclopedia? Hanged if I do," was his reply. "Let' them walk, like I did."

"You'llhave to dive off that tall cliff and rescue the heroine," pronounced the movie:director. "What!" ejaculated the star. "Why, there's not two feet of water below!" "Certainly not," returned the director comfortingly, "you can't possibly drown." . .

Lawyer: "What was done in the interim r

Witness: "1 don't know, sir, I didn't go into the interim. I stayed in the ante-room." • ' ■

, New Neighbour—Could I borrow your child for a moment? .' , .

Old Settler—What' do you want of him ? New Neighbour—l want to; send him over to the Jones's to borrow a cupful of sugar. "

A professional singer was in a motorcar accident the other day. A newspaper, after recording the accident, added:-

"We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in four pieces."

-"I never saw such, a chronic pessimist as Jenkins is." .

"What's the latest grievance?"

"He found a pound note this morning, and is grumbling because a man to whom he owed half a quid saw him pick it up." '

"I want, a word of advice." "Well?" "What is the best way to approach you for a loan?" "If you are sensitive,- you had better write for it, and when you get my reply tear it up without reading it."

According to the Moscow "Prayda," a young Soviet playwright has written a play where most of the action takes place in Africa and-the "heroes" are two groups of monkeys, "bluerbacked" ones and "red-backed" ones. On sending it 1 to the. dramatic censorship he was informed that his play would be passed for tlerformanee only-on condition that the ' redbacked" monkeys were transformed into "yellow-backed" ones! ,

A welUmeaning Clergyman advised one of his-parishioners,,, a sharpJeatured woman, w take up some subject, to study that, would lend variety to monotonous life. ■•"-. ■■■•■■..■■■-■ "Oh, I. could never master any subject," she replied. "What! not even your husband?" exclaimed the clergyman, with an effort at humour, "My, husband!" came the retort. "Hes not a subject, he's an object!" - ? -

"Where did the car hit him?" asked the- Coroner. "At the junction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae," replied the medical witness. :"'.'.'

The foreman of the jury rose from his seat." 1 '.';■''

"Man and boy, I've lived i' these part* for fifty years," he protested, ponderously, an' I niver heered o' the place."

A stolid, unimaginative Englishman, was being shown the Niagara .Falls one day by an American friend. The •Auwrican became very enthusiastic. "Do you realise," said ho, "all the millions of gallons of water that come roaring down every hour? Millions and millions.of gallons. Think of it!" The Englishman removed his pipe from his mouth. "I don't see-. anything particular to pre•vent it," said be.

A -well-known novelist maintains that nowadays the most dramatic sermons are preached in Ireland. A friend of his heard a preacher in a Connaught village expatiating on the terrors of hell, "The lions will roar at.yez," he told the congregation. "The owls will hoot at yes?, and the hyenas will laugh yer to scorn." Another -Irish preacher, having, described how Jezebel painted her face, tired her head, and looked out of the window at Jehu, remarked, "And would you believe it, the hussy was nigh on sixty years of age!"

(A burglar pleaded that excessive 'listening in? had upset his moral balance, and was acquitted by the Judge.) Time was, when' burglars plied their trade, • . -""";'■ learned Judge their exploits viewed Severely; thus they were repaid With terms of penal serviture. Because they'd no defence excusing The; jemmy that they had been using. But now.when burglars ".crack a crib"— And others, doubtless, will begin. To rifle safes and tills ad; lib.—

• They'll vow it comes from "listening -in," ' ■■■■ •'' ".-, ■_.' ■■ Pleading that wireless aberration Produces moral oscillation!

A farmer whose:, fields. adjoined the vicarage garden made a great fuss and demanded (and received) compensation because th<i vicar's fowls got out one day and strayed into his corn. A few weeks later his cows broke down the fence and entered the vicarage garden, laying it waste and devouring the whole of the vicar'g winter crops. He wrote to the farmer pointing out what damage had been done arid asking for compensation. At market the farmer sought out a friend and showed him the vicar's letter. "That's what the'church is like?" he exclaimed, bitterly. "Did you ever hear of such a thing, wanting me to pay for what,the cows did? And him a parson!" "Oh, come!" remonstrated the friend. "You made him pay for what his fowls did. And you can't expect him to take it lying down when your cows eat up all his winter greens!" "Why not?" asked the farmer indignantly. "Ain't he a •wnnf' ■ ■ - ■

"Ah, we doctors have many enemies in this world." "Yes —but more in the next!"

Langford: Does your office boast of sn efficiency expert? Smithson: No; he does his own boasting.

A Friend: So sorry I couldn't be present at your' wedding. Morie Actress: Never mind, I'll have another one soon.

"Ah, doctor, I suffer too much. Let me die!" "I don't need your advice, madam! I know my own work!"

Excited Citizen: Help, help, a man's drowning in the reservoir. Cynic: I don't care,' I don't care. I don't think the water. .

"Hello, Jim. Glad to see you. I've just got back from vacation." "Sorry, old man! I can't lend a cent. I'm just going on mine."

"My dear fellow, it is always best to begin with at the bottom of the ladder." "Nonsense. How about when you are escaping from a fire?"

Hub: What extravagance! You have two hits to match that one dress. Wife: Oh', no, I haven't. I've only one dress to match the two hats. - . ,

First Passenger (on ocean liner): Great Scott, what a lot of food that man eats! Second Passenger: He must be what they call a stowaway.

Methuselah: I bet you were surprised at me, Daniel, when, you heard I was married again. Daniel: No, Methuselah; it wasn't you I was surprised at.

Inquisitive Person: Why do they always carry an ax in a case at the end of a railway coach ? Constant Traveller: To open the window with.

"What is. an oyster?" the teacher asked a small boy. There was a painful pause, and then: "An oyster is a fish that is built like a nut,'miss."

"Do you want someone to mind the shop while you go out?" "No thanks, boy. Fro not going out." "Yea; you we —your wife's just fallen in the river!"

American in Paris: If France refuses to pay her war debt, the United States will declare war on her. Girl Friend: In that case where will you Americans go for your drinks?

Auto Agent: What sort of an auto is it that you want? Farmer: I want.a combination one—one that I can use both to haul my hogs to market and my wife to town. ', ■ .

"I think 1 the new doctor's a duck," she remarked,, coyly. "Well, I wouldn't go as far as that,", said her husband, "but I will say I've noticed a bit of the quack about him."

Motorist: Yes, it took me about six weeks to learn to drive my-car. Pedestrian: And what did you get for your pain? Motorist: Liniment.

Sam: Hello, Bill, been hunting? Bill: Yes. Sam: Shoot anything? Bill: Shot my dog. Sara: Was he mad? Bill: Well, he didn't act any too darn pleased.

Salesman (at motor showrooms): This is the type of car that jpays for itself, sir. Prospective Buyer: Well, as soon as it has done that you can have it delivered at my garage. ,

■ New Neighbour: I say, have you got anything in the shape of a spade you could let me have? Fed-up: Ye»—just the thing.l Try thk sugar, spoon.

« F owl' said the teacher, impressively, why should we endeavour to rise by our own efforts?" "Because," replied Tommy, "there's no knowing when the alarm-clock will go wrong."

Teacher: "We are going to have a little talk on wading bird. Of course, the stock is one—what are you laughing at, Elsie?" Little Elsie: "Oh, but teacher —the idea of there being any storks!"

'■ "What's the piece of cord tied around your finger for?" "Professor Armstrong told me to put it there to remind me to study my English for to-morrow." "And did you study it?" "No, he forgot to set the homework."

To achieve elegance, madam ordered i pair of smart boots from an expensive shop. Some days after delivery she returned them. "Your boots don't fit well. I can't walk in them." "Madam," said the dignified shopkeeper, "people who have to walk don't shop here."

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool." '

Mr. Tropfel pawed a public-house and a fountain every evening on his way home. One evening he stopped at the fountain and muttered, "Why not?" So he filled the cup and had a cool, refreshing drink, gratis. good!" he said; "that's sixpence I've saved. What shall I do with it? Why not buy a dru**?"

A visitor at a country fair noticed a sad-looking man who persisted in remaining on the roundabout. "Do you like being on there?" asked the visitor.

"No, I don't," was the reply, "but the man who owns this roundabout owes me money,' and the only way I can get even is by taking it out in rides."

A curator of a certain zoological garden was on a vacation. He received a note from his assistant: "The chimpanzee is sick. He appears to pine for a companion. We don't know what to do pending your return."

Judge—What is this man chanted with ? Officer—lntoxication, your Hon. our. Prisoner —Judge,. I'm as sober as you are this minute. Judge—Pleads guilty—ten days! Next case! .

The brid* was exchanging her bridal costume for her travelling dress, and the chief bridesmaid was assisting her. "Did I appear nervous during the ceremony?" she asked. "A little at first, dear." said the other, sweetly, "but not after Charlie said 'I will. •

"And what do you tell the other men that come to see you?' he asked as he released her from his close embrace. "Do you lead them to believe that you love them?" "Yes, dearest," she whispered. "Do you mind?" "Ah; but it will be terrible for them later," he murmured. "The poor trusting fools."

"My poor fellow," said the lady, "hero is a quarter for you. Goodness gracious, it must be dreadful to be lame, but just think how much worse it would be it' you were blind." "Yer right, lady," agreed the beggar, wheq I was blind I was always getting counterfeit money."

The teacher war giving the class a lecture on honesty. "Now, then," he said, pointing to a boy in the back row, "supposes, friend tent you his overcoat, and, putting it on, you found in one of the pockets a quarter which your friend had completely forgotten. You wouldnt keep that quarter, would you?" "Certainly not." "That's right," said the teacher. "What would you do?" "f. nauld spend »*-"-