PICKLES

Dominion, Volume 23, Issue 257, 26 July 1930, Page 31

PICKLES

Indescrelion. fond Mother (whose child is performing on the piano): “I believe you’re', fond of good music.” Visitor: “Yes, but please don’t stop the littte one on my account.” —“Dublin Opinion.” \• * • Mary Went. Mary had a little lamp, She filled it with benzine, She wen.’, to light her little lamp, She hasn't since benzine. —“Froth.” lie Needed It. Official: “Why do you want a license to carry arms? Have you enemies? Applicant: “'Thousands! I am a matrimonial agent.” —“Hummel,” Hamburg,

Not So Fresh. Customer: “I have spoilt my suit with your fresh paint.” Provision dealer: “But didn’t you see the notice, ‘Fresh paint’?” Customer: “Yes, but I didn’t take much notice. You have a notice ‘Fresh Eggs,’ but they are not fresh.” —“Moustlque,” Charleroi. ©ft (I Needed Kooin. A recruit wearing number fourteens in boots had enlisted in the Army. One night he was included in a wiring party, and when the roll was called afterwards ho was absent. “Has anyone seen O'Halloran?” said the sergeant. “Yes,” said a voice, “he’s gone up to the cross-roads to turn round!” —Vancouver “gun,*

The Modem House. The landlord was making a tour of inspection of his new housing estate Presently he came to a house from which the front door was missing. Angrily he rapped on the side panel of the door frame. “What does this mean?” he cried, when the new tenant came in view. This is a new house, and I fined the door already gone.” The tenant gasped. “Well, I never!” he replied. “Aminute ago I tied my dog to the doorknob, and I expect he saw a cat.” Laconic. Assertive Lady (to motorist who has just wrecked his car): “You’re very clumsy. Just beginning, I take it.” Driver: “On the contrary, madam, I’vo just finished.”

Obliging. Mistress (to new and very raw maid): “When you answer me, Mary, you should say ‘Yes, ma’am, or ‘No ma’am.’ ” New Maid (obligingly): “Righto!” « —“Leeds Mercury.” ft * * The Process of Permeation. “Have you read ‘All Quiet on the Western Front’?” “No. I hate those Western stories.” —“Juggler,”-

Necessity the Mother. “What is your nephew doing?” “He is an inventor.” “What has he invented?” “Numerous excuses for borrowing money from me.” —Nebelspalter, Zurich. * M * Geography. “You've heard of Naples, the famous Italian port, haven’t you?” “No. How much is it a bottle?” —Punch Bowl.

Good Word for Everybody. An old Scottish woman, who had never been known to say an ill word about anybody, was one day taken to task by her husband. “Janet,” he said impatiently, “I do believe ye’d say a guid word for the de’il himself.” “Ah, weel,” was the reply, “he may na be sae guid as he mieht be, but he’s a very industrious body.” ft ft • Blame tho Poet. Burly Beggar (dramatically): Stay, lady, stay, and hear a helpless orphan’s talc. . , , Haughty Lady: My dear sir, you look 70. and can you consider yourself an orphan? And you look strong and healthy. How can you be helpless? Burly Beggar: Dear lady, if anyone’s a liar, it's the poet, not me.

Monosyllabic. Motorist: I thought, you said that if I were polite to the magistrate he would let me off. Friend: Well, didn’t he? Motorist: No. When the old chap sat down I said, “Good morning, your Worship, how are you to-day?” Friend: And what did he say? Motorist: Fine. ft ft ft Economy to the Last. Two Scots came to London with excursion tickets, and one of them was very ill ou the return journey. “Jock, mon, ah’m deein’l” he murmured at Carlisle. “No, na! Juist hand on, Mac!” said the other. “Yer ticket doesna expire till we get to Glesga!”

Use for Everything. On one occasion, in the old Theatre Royal, Dublin, one of the “gods” made himself particularly obnoxious to his fellows. Immediately there arose the cry of “Throw him over!” In answer to this kind suggestion a gentleman of an evidently economical mind shouted back; in tones of anxiety: "Hold on! Dou’t waste him! Killa fiddler wid him!” » e st Easy. “T can trust my maid at any 1 can go away for three days am know exactly what she will be doing all the time.” “What?” i,Ot __DerLustige Sachse, Leipsig. >