THE HERO AT HOME.

Auckland Star, Volume XLVII, Issue 31, 5 February 1916, Page 11

THE HERO AT HOME.

(By PETT RIDGE.)

CHARACTERISTIC STUDY BY THE POPULAR HUMOROUS WRITER.

"By rights," urged Private Warner, " I ought really to nop otl home first and gee mother." "My dear young friend," said the mayor impressively, " try to understand this. The afternoon's programme has been most carefully arranged, most thoughtfully planned. 1 myself have given hours that might have been devoted to my busines to the task of supervising the principal details. And 1 do implore of you to allow us to keep to the time-table, to observe the rules laid down, and in short ' •' Right you are, sir," agreed Warner. " Only mother is rather particular. Still, I place myself entirely in your hauds. What number 'bus do we look out fort" -Bus!" echoed the mayor cheerfully. "'Bus, indeed! We don't take heroes by 'bus. What next. I wonder!"

The driver of the open car waiting outside the London terminus touched the peak of his hat as the two B preparcd to step in. Warner ejaculated. " What ho, Charlie, my lad," and. shaking hands with something approaching violence, inquired concerning the health of the driver's wife and babies. On the journey the mayor, after half closing his eyes, and rehearsing silently an impending speech, mentioned that Warner would do well not to be too generous in affability. Smiling features, yes; conversation with Tom, Dick, and Harry, no. Otherwise the day's proceedings would never come to a finish.

Folk began to identify the occupants of the car and to run after it. Policement saluted. From the open windows at the top of tramway cars people cheered. Private Warner tugged at his belt, fingered his moustache, rubbed his face with a handkerchief, and remarked that the day had suddenly turned warm. At the large publichouses flags were at all the windows; a band was playing close by. The mayor issued orders, and one of these was taken by a messenger, licet of foot; the music stopped, and the mayor nodded approvingly as the early bars came of the air that welcomes conquerors. " Everything thought out beforehand," he mentioned to his perturbed companion. Cheers as the ear pulled up, and an inspector of police ordered way to r >e made for the approach of some of the leading inhabitants of the borough. Warner glanced nervously around at the crowd; a voice that called, "Tommy, lad, can you see mc?. It's your Lrncle James, and I've brought your mother!" This distracted his attention, and the mayor had to remind him that folk of importance were speaking to him. It was a jumble of conversation made up of: "A credit to the borough, my boy. That's what you are." "Happy to welcome you back safe and sound. We're proud of you,- sir." "Great day this for a young man like you. You'll remember it all your life." "We're doing you honour, laddie, and I don't mind saying you deserve it." A young woman tendered a bouquet, and, stepping up, kissed Private Warner, to his extreme confusion. "My daughter," explained the Mayor, w as the car went on. "She exceeded my

instructions, but perhaps she was carried ! away by'the impulse of the moment"

"I wish," said youftg Warner, fervently, "that the impulse of the moment had carried her away a bit earlier. When I'm kissed I don't want no audience."

At the Town Hall the crowd forced the car to go slowly. The band, arriving, gave patriotic tunes. Tlie Mayor issued orders and no one took any notice of them. Warner was pulled from the car and carried shoulder high by two strong men. By a string of miracles he presently found himself on the platform of a long room, where the closely jammed company of picked and chosen residents gave him a welcome that was refreshingly subdued. He was led to a scat next to the large chair to be occupied by the companion of his journey from town.

"I map it all out," complained that gentleman with bitterness, appearing suddenly. "I check it all. and I have it all put down in black and white. And then, at the last moment—Oh, here you are, Warner! What on earth became of you? There was a newspaper man there, ready to take us." "I never photograph well." "But I do!" The agenda was presented by the Town Clerk, .dr. Mayor, it wts pointed out, was to speak first. Alde,-man Rawlinga would make a few remarks; and then [Private Warner was to reply. The guest, interposing, said at once that Private Warner would do nothing of the kind. 'You're a very foolish and stupid young man," declared the Mayc- j severely, in an undertone, "and I wish to j goodness I was dealing with someone possessing a fair average amount of comnionsense!" He rose. "Ladies and gen-i tlemen." he said, and beamed as applause came, "we are here to-day to meet one of the bravest hearts, one of the brightest minds, one of the most acute intellects that ever fought in the sacred cause of King and country. (Cheers.) When I mention the name of Private | Thomas Warner—(renewed cheering) —i the thoughts of yon who have read of j his great exploit on that memorable Tuesday " "Thursday," corrected Warner. j "On that memorable Tuesday " "A Thursday, I keep on telling you. I was there, and. I ought to know. I made a joke at the time about it being early closing day." "On that memorable occasion"' (comI promising) "your thoughts, I say, go back to the never-to-be-forgotten scene, which I will attempt, very briefly, to describe. It appears that "

Mr Mayor, not a military expert, was compelled to accept other amendments from his neighbour in the early stages; these ceased when the speech entered on the phase of compliments. Warner, blushing confusedly, stared at the windows, gazed at the ceiling, became interested in the adjustment of his puttees, fanned himself with the agenda, glanced around as though in search of an emergency exit. Mr Mayor finished on a high note of enthusiastic flattery. Tlie senior alderman offered, in an oration of some length, what lie described as his humble tribute. Private Warner, before this was ended, seemed to have become acclimatised to praise. A cheque for a hundred pounds was handed to him.

"Very much obliged to you," he said; "and now, if you'll excuse mc, I'd like to get along and see my mother." A recruiting sergeant intercepted him as he was leaving, and after argument a bargain was struck. If Warner spoke for five minutes at an outdoor meeting then the sergeant would explain the ingenious arrangement by which a -cheque could be transferred to another person. i

It was raining later when Private Warner turned the corner of his street The applauding shouts were still in his cars; he felt too proud to whistle. This was fame. This was public estimation. Tli is was recompense. "Well, mother," he said, "here I am, and here I've brought something for you." The stout, neatly dressed woman looked at the endorsed cheque and placed it, for safety, under the brass candlestick on the precisely arranged mantelpiece. "Glad to see you home again, Thomas," she began, sedately, "'and I hope you are not too puffed up by all the fuss. How dare you," breaking off into tones of solemn amazement, "however hire you have the cool impudence to stalk right into my 'best room with dirty mudly boots on? Cot out into the kitchen at once and take 'em off this very minute. That is. unless you want mc to box your cars for you. Wouldn't be the- first time, you know. And not likely to be the last!"