HUMOROUS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVII, Issue 202, 28 August 1886, Page 5

HUMOROUS.

Every femalo holds a dress rehearsal for an hour before going to a party.

No, indeed ! I can belief a great many things about your Spindles, but I cannot regard him as a bad egg. He is too fresh. Old Brown made a mistake in letting Jones marry his daughter. He not only got a new boarder, but lost a young man to boot.

"AThousand and One Words" is the name of a new novel. We presume it is the description of tb_ parting of two women at the railroad depot.

"Ah, John,"ehesaid,justbeforer_iarriogo, " I fear I'm not worthy of you. Yoti are such a good man." " Never mind, Martha, I'll change all that after the wedding.' An English paper contains an article on " An Elevator in Heaven," which contains no reference to dynamite. Possibly people who start by the dynamite route don't go to heaven. Being a war correspondent, Archibald Forbes—who has married Miss Meigs— will be able to report intelligently any disturbances that may occur in his family. An Indian idol was recently found in Kansas. It waa made of earthenware, was brown in colour, and has a handle. It will hold two quarts, but will not hold them long in that State. "What's perbation, Jimmie. said ono ragged atreet urchin to another. «• Doncber know? was tbe response. "Naw.' ".Well, perbation'a when a feller's gittin square wid himself." ■ ~ ~ Waking the echoes. "Paul, said bis mamma, " will you go softly into the parlour and ccc if grandpa is asleep? "Yes, mamma," wbrepered Paul on hisjetnrn, "he is oil asleep but hia nose."— " New York Sun." Chicago life. "Soy, bub, is that your mother sitting on the front steps _" " Nawj that's the hired girl, Jenny.' " Can I see your mother ?" "Easy 'hough ?. go around to the kitchen door." "Well, I've seen better days,' sighed Brown, who is seedy and ft misanthrope. "So have I," responded Smith, who is chipper and matter-of-fact; " but it can't rain "more than a week at a time, you know.,! , • . _ At the art exhibition. Mrs Be Baggs (critically)-" A beautiful picture, the sunset true to nature. The bear in the foreground " Miss De Baggs—" Bear, mammal Certainly not. It is a cow. ' Isn't it, papa ?" Mr He Baggs (cynically) 1 — " No, my dear ; only an artist's bull." "I hez been movln' 'round on top of dis yairth moo' eighty, y'ars now, on' it am my solemn belief dat de pusson who pays ide least attenßhun to de weather injoys life 30 per cent de best." The >ODg and short of it: First Customer—" I'm afraid the glovo is too largo." Clerk—"Ob, no. These imported gloves always shrink and ' take up ' so much that they have to bo a little full when first pu* on." Second Customer—" I'm afraid that is too small." Clerk—"Too small! Oh, no; it will bo just right. Yon know these best imported gloves always will give and stretch a little." A traveller Embarks at Marseilles for Egypt. At Naples he is compelled to take a companion into hia stateroom, a Neapolitan, whom he finds a jolly good fellow. Next Morning the Neapolitan gets up first, ■nd, Eeeing the traveller's toilet! articles spread out on tbe table, proceeds to use them, even to the toothbrush. The traveller stands it as long as be can, but he draws the line at the toothbrush-^ " Here, stop a moment !" he cries, springing out of bed? "that is my brush you are using, monsieur!" "Ah! I beg pardon," replied the other tranquilly. "I thought it belonged to the stateroom 1"