ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 12, 23 March 1907, Page 27

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

WHERE HE LEARNED. A golfing judge, according to the story, had occasion to interrogate in a criminal suit a boy witness. “ Now, my lad,” he said, “ I want to know if you are acquainted with the nature and significance of an oath?” The boy, raising his brows in surprise, answered, “ Of course I am, sir. Don’t I caddy for you at the Niblick Club? ” ♦ ♦ ♦ QUITE POSSIBLE. John Bright was once asked how it Was that Pitt made one of his finest speeches after drinking two bottles of port. . John Bright was, as usual, equal to the occasion. He pointed out that iVerba’tfim reporting was unknown in those days, and suggested that the other members of the House, on whose opinion Pitt’s reputation largely depended, had probably drunk three bottles. THOSE USELESS QUESTIONS. How many of our words are absolutely superfluous, serving no end but the waste of time. . A man stood before a mirror, his face well lathered, and his razor in hand. In came his wife; she looked at him, and inquired, “Are you shaving?” “No,” he replied, fiercely, “I’m blacking the kitchen range. Where are you'— out driving or at the matinee?” WANTED THE WINNING LOBSTER. , Mr Frank Daniels, the American comedian, while playing a recent engagement in Baltimore gave a dinner to some friends after the show one evening. Broiled live 'lobster was on the: menu, and one was brought in minus, a claw. Calling the waiter, Mr Daniels said: “What do you mean by serving me with an imperfect lobster?” • • •: “Excuse me, sah, but Ah did'nt think you’d mind a little thing like dat, sah. These lobsters .got to fighting in the basket, and this one lost his claw,” said the waiter. - ’ ' “Take this lobster out immediately,” replied Mr Daniels, “and bring me the winner.” A SLIGHT OMISSION. He stayed out till about 3 a.m., and when he got homo, thought that he would go boldly to the bathroom' and take a bath. That would remove from his wife’s mind any suspicion as to his condition. It would show her, in a word, that he was all right. Sb he undressed, filled the tub, and plunged in. Hot and enfevered as he was, he enjoyed the bath; As he splashed and scrubbed and puffed, he heard a slight noise, and, looking up, saw his wife in the doorway. His wife was regarding him with ah expression of unspeakable contempt. He was , rather amazed at that. But he said nothing. , He. lowered his head and went on scrubbing. ‘Well, what are you doing?’ she asked. ‘Can’t you see what I’m doing?’ he answered, as he rubbed up some more lather; ‘l’m taking a bath.’ She sniffed and said as she turned to go: ‘Why don’t you take off your underclothes, then?’ AFTER MUCH TROUBLE. The superintendent of police summoned to his presence an Irish member of the force, to whom he said: “It is reported to me that there is a dead dog in Horner street. I want? you to'see to its disposition.?’ .“Yis, sor,” v said th? Subordinate, who immediately set out upon his mission. In half an hour the Irishman telephoned his chief as-follows; “I have made inquiries about the dog’s disposition, and I find that it was a •avage one.” --— — ~ <

ONE PERFORMANCE ONLY. A well-known society entertainer had been engaged to give a performance at • country house. The hostess had “risen,” and was of snobbish instincts. She left instructions that the entertainer. was to dine with the servants. The butler, who knew better, apologised; but the entertainer was not easily disconcerted. - “Well, now, my good friends,” said he, after he had dined well, “if we have all finished, and you are all agreeable, I will give you my little show.” The servants were delighted, and though there was no piano, the entertainer managed very well for half an hour without it. At ten o’clock a message came down asking Mr. Dash if he would kindly come into the drawingroom. He went, and found the company waiting. “We are quite ready, Mr. Dash,” said the hostess. “Ready for what?” he demanded. “Why, for your entertainment, to be sure,” was the answer. “But I have given it already,” explained the entertainer; “and my’engagement was for one perforjnarice only.” “Given it! , Where? When?” “Downstairs; an hour ago.” “But this is nonsense,” exclaimed the hostess. ' *■ - - - “It seemed to me somewhat extraordinary,”. was the steady reply; “but it has always .been ,my privilege to dine with the company I am asked to entertain. I took it you had arranged a little treat for the servants.” Then he left to catch his train. ; THE “ENGLISH” OF EUROPE. Travelling through the countries of Europe one frequently sees and hears the funniest "of English,on every hand, for the various health* and pleasure resorts attach vast importance to American and British patronage. Besides, English is the most widely spoken language in the world, and all foreigners make at least an attempt to air the little most of them seem to possess. Here are a few choice specimens:—■ Sn a French railroad waiting-room: NOTISH It is defended to fume in the saloon of attention! Advertisement in a German-Swiss newspaper: Board and lodging required in a fine family by a German lady of the Middle Ages. Address, ete. Three .ladies were seated, at. a small round table in a hotel saloon in Switzerland when the head waiter came up to them and remarked: “Ladies, if you sit at this table you will be deranged!” A French gentleman had been on a visit to an English-speaking friend, and wishing .to thank his host on his departure remarked feelingly: “A thousand thanks for. this so agreeable sojourn in your charming interior.” A very courteous young Italian hurried up to a dignified tourist who was “doing the sights” in the Piazzi di Spagna in Rome, and, noticing that the necktie of the tourist had . slipped up his stand-up collar, he said: “Pardon, Signor. but your cravat is going upstairs.” One of the best-known musical conductors of Germany, having had occasion to dismiss a man from his orchestra for insobriety, gave as his excuse that: “All day long he quench, quench, quench; and then at night he cannot.” A French hostess last season, desirous of assisting in the most polith manner the speeding of her parting - guest, rose and .exclaimed: “I will push you out ze door!” Scene: On Hie outskirts of - Brussels. A very wet day. Enter a tourist into a humble cafe oh whose window is written “English spoke.” A Flemish woman is mopping the floor, and painful cleanliness is everywhere. M. le Proprietaire advances to meet his guest with: “Will Monsieur be good and go outside and scratch his feet?” A girl was walking with a French

chaperon in the Champs iaat win’ ter whewtlic* elder Indy suddenly observed: “The trees look very smtt without any sleeves on.” (She meant leaves.)