How to Select a Wife.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVI, Issue 23, 9 June 1906, Page 60

How to Select a Wife.

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Old saws, not the rusty affairs which the “raggetty men” ply upon firewood at our back doors, but the sharptoothed, trenchant blades in the shape ol maxims, which philosophers love to draw across the hearts of men, are like unto Damascus swords of the olden time, in that their edges are still keen and cut deeply after centuries of usage. The tough old blades have a temper which outlives time, and their rugged points tear their way through human bosoms as surely now as when they were first forged, in pain and tear;, by sad experience. And of them all not one is truer nor sharper than that “Marriage makes or mars a man.”

However one may urge that the man who works himself for the sake of a woman must be made of poor timber to start with, and that the man who is truly a man will rise superior to adverse circumstances, whatever those circumstances may be, the fact remains that intimate association must affect even the strongest more or less. A

Helen Oldfield.)

good pilot will bring an unseaworthy barque safely’ to its desired haven, whilst a careless steersman will sink a good ship in sight of port. It is a common saying that men invariably’ love those women best who make fools of them, and, while like most common sayings, this has an element of truth, it would be more correct to say that a man must love a woman in order to enable her to make a fool of him. All of us know men of mark who unhesitatingly aver that much of their success in life is due to their wives; also, we know others who have carried weight because of an unwise mariiage, and, thus handicapped, have failed in the race. However miserable an o d bachelor may be, he is by far more happy than a bad husband, or the husband of a bad wife.

“Be sure to marry,” wrote a famous general to his son, “but be sure also that you marry the right woman”; advice which may well be i anked with that of the sharper who advertised to furnish the secret of success in all undertakings,

and sent his dupes a card bearing the sentence: "First be sure you are right and then go ahead, and keep at it.” It is difficult to be sure of anything in this world! And Love is rarely reasonable. It seems to be a sort of obsession which bars out everything else. Even Emerson, sage and philosopher far more than poet, has written:

“Give all to Love; Obey thy heart; Friends, kindred, days. Estate, good fame. Plans, credit, and the Muse Nothing refuse.”

And this, foolish as it is, is really, or appears to be, the attitude of many men and more women whon they fall in love. The phrase itself suggests a sort of helplessness. a head over heels tumble, without volition. More than one great author has told us that even the gods were not wise in love, and mythology abundantly bears out the statement. Therefore, can it be wondered at that mortals display so little good sense in their love affairs? It is not too much to say that when a man is captivated by a woman it is seldom or never that he stops to consider what are her qualifications for the position of wife, the partner of his weal or woe for perhaps a lifetime. Experienced observers of their fellow men will bear us out in saying that it is rare to find anywhere a social circle in any grade, of any size, in which there is not at least one couple whose marriage is pronounced unintelligible; or one in which the perplexity is not occasionally increased by the po session of obvious ability either in husband or wife. “What did he see in her?” or “she in him?” are questions which all ask and none can answer. Sometimes, of course, it is a silly criticism, due simply to that impenetrable veil which hides us from one another, and which is, p rhaps, intended to deepen individual sense of responsibility, the difference in the point of view which prevents people from seeing other people or things as ‘ others see them.” A man of genius may be guilty of all sorts of eccentricities in the conduct of life, and often almost is a fool in pecuniary matters or, at least, used to be. for those who are informed say that the old type of the “heaven born” who were always in debt is dying out, and that genius and financial talent are now so frequently united in one and the same person that even publishers fail to find them apart, and complain of hard times in consequence. Still, the se cret belief that there is affinity between genius and insanity still exists, and prevents all wonder, and is probably the ultimate if unconscious cause of the otherwise immoral tolerance extended even by good people to those “errors of genius,” which in less gifted men they would heartily condemn. Perhaps it is self-confidence that leads them on.

A man, somehow, whose fancy is taken by a woman is apt to believe that he knows all about her, resents advice from the outside, and refuses to consider circumstantial evidence patent to all but himself. His self-love, not to say selfconceit, is up in arms in defence of his own opinion, and he will not even doubt, sometimes in the face of proof written all over the object of his choice, that she has a good temper. There is an inner vanity in most men, kept down more or less by sense and experience, as to their own judgment on points where the world holds accuracy of judgment to be a sign of intellectual power; and when it comes to the choice of a wife this vanity wakes up in irresistible strength. This is after the fact, as a rule, sensible men fall in love sensibly, and are attracted by something more than a pretty face. The lack of brains is more frequently a positive than a negative quality. It is not the mere being without. A woman who is stupid is, in most cases, not merely not clever; she ehatters foolishly, instead of being stolidly silent; she says the wrong things, and in place of hav ing no ideas she has exasperating, impossible ones, in which she is unendurably obstinate. She is not merely uncompanionable, she is a perpetual thorn in the flesh. The cut of life shared with her is worse than tasteless; it is bitter,

nauseating. One often hears clever men assert that they “do not like women who are too clever,” but the trouble is that it is exceeding difficult to measure the too much, the too little, and the just enough to admire it.” As it happens, the woman who can attain this happy medium must l>e possessed of considerable talent and unusual self-control, besides which she must be gifted with the

intuition which comes only through love. It has been well said t*mit the man who can govern a woman is capable of governing a nation. Yet a woman, almost any woman, may be easily led wherever her lover wills, so long as she loves him and believes in the trust and sincerity of his affection for her. Women almost invariably esteem where they love, whether the beloved be worthy or not ;men. on the contrary, often love where they cannot esteem, sometimes where they do not even admire. As George Eliot says: “It is a deep mystery, the way the heart of man turns to one woman out of all the rest he’s seen in the world, and makes it easier for him to work seven years for her, like Jacob did for Rachel, sooner than have any other woman for the asking.”