MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume VIII, Issue 42, 17 October 1891, Page 500

MISCELLANEOUS.

Fussy Old Gentleman : ‘ There’s a fly on your nose, mum.’ Irascible Old Lady : ‘ Well, he ain’t yours, is he ?’ Sure to Get There.— ‘ That flannel shirt you bought for me is too small. Let Willie have it. ’ ‘ It’s four sizes too large for Willie.’ ‘ Well, wash it till it fits him.’ ‘ I say,’ said the victim to the awkward barber, ‘ you are using a different kind of shaving soap than you used last week.’ ‘ Why do you think so ?’ ‘lt tastes different.’ • Ah, Jim, we poor folks has our trials !’ ‘ Yes, I’se had a good many ; but it ain’t the trials what annoys me, it’s the verdict they brings in arterwards. ’ ADDING INSULT TO INJURY. ‘ You needn't open Your mouth so wide,' The dentist remarked. ‘I shall stand outside.' An Irishman, when asked why he permitted his pig to occupy the same quarters as his family, exclaimed : ‘ Why not ? Doesn't the place afford ivery convanience that a pig can require ?’ Willby : ‘ How are your poems selling, Billby ?’ Billby (the poet): ‘ The first edition was exhausted on the first day. My uncle bought the whole of it.’ Willby : ‘To save the family honour, I suppose. ’ Mrs Longwedde : ‘ Such a charming husband as Mrs Von Pickel has! So tender after ten years of marriage.’ Mr Longwedde : ‘ Quite natural. It would make a rhinoceros tender to be kept in hot water for ten years.’ To the Point. — ‘ Don’t think I'm getting proud, Augustus Henry, because I ain’t; but when a fellow’s only got a cent and that has to do for three persons, he don’t want no hungry friends a follerin’ of him !’ Father (indignantly) : ‘ How does it happen, sir, that you have such a miserable report this term ?’ Small Son : ‘ L guess it’s because you ain’t a school director any more. ’ A Proper_Offer —‘l don’t see how you gentlemen can render a verdict of not guilty,’said the judge. ‘ Well, your honor,’ said the foreman, politely, ‘ if you’ll watch us close we’ll do it over again and show you how.’ Unanswerable.—Priest: ‘ Well, Pat, I understand you are going to be manied again?’ Widower: ‘Yis, your riv’rence.’ Priest: ‘ But your wife has only been dead two months.’ Widower : ‘ Yis, your riv’rence ; but, sure, ain’t she as dead now as ivver she’ll be ?’

A farmer recently sent a sixpenny stamp to a man who advertised to send for that amount the way to work a farm without being troubled with potato bugs. The answer received was as follows : ‘ Plant fruit trees instead of potatoes.’

Judge : ‘lf you wished to quit work you had a right to. No one denies that. But to fall on the man who took your place and beat him is quite another affair.’ Striker: ‘ W’y, judge, I done it for his own good. I knowed if he took the job at them wages he’d starve to death.’

‘ What is that young man’s name ?’ ‘ What young man, papa ?’ ‘ The one who stayed till after twelve o’clock. ’ ‘ His name is William, papa.’ ‘ Bill, for short ?’ ‘ I suppose so.’ ‘Well, it isn’t complete.’ ‘Not complete?’ ‘ No; it ought to be Gas Bill for short.’ And the old man went down into the cellar, and held a lantern up to the metre once more.

A. : ‘ Are you happier since your second marriage ?’ B. : ‘ Oh, much happier. Feel much more settled, you know.’ A. : ‘ln your mind ?’ B. : ‘ Yes, and all other ways. I was never quite clear in my first venture who ran the house, but in this case everything is plain sailing, and no occasion for dispute.’ A.: ‘She knuckled, eh?’ B. : ‘Oh, no. She’s master. ’ Proper Discipline.—Meek little Hennpect lay at the point of death. With streaming eyes the family had assembled about the bedside to hear his last words. ‘ John ! John ! cried the weeping wife, ‘ You mustn’t leave me!’ Slowly Hennpect’s dimmed eyes sought her face, and in an apologetic little voice he murmured meekly, ‘ Just as you say, Maria, just as you say.’