The Cry of the Children

Ladies' Mirror, Volume 5, Issue 3, 1 September 1926, Page 34

The Cry of the Children

<v/ Qhild can forget hunger and cold, hut it can never recover completely from remembered terror

This title states, with the minimum of words, the problem of "difficult” children, as proved by the fact that all investigation of such children aims at two things. It is first concerned with the atmosphere of the home (this being provided by the parents), and secondarily with the manner in which the child reacts to his atmosphere. The placid type of child shows himself equally happy in almost any medium and is but slightly influenced by the jars and disputes of an unhappy home, while the "difficult child displays the sensitiveness of a magnetic needle towards every individual with whom he is brought in contact. It is this constant mutual reaction of parent and child upon one another which furnishes some of the most knotty problems for the skill of the psychologist, whose work is, unfortunately, further complicated by the refusal of some parents to accept any responsibility for their share in the matter. That the child in question is extremely difficult to handle, obstinate and wilful, they will proclaim with increasing warmth, but the merest hint that such qualities are shared by one or other parent or are the outcome of friction between the parents is repudiated with scorn. We shall be in a better position to discuss the effect of happy and unhappy parents upon children if we first understand the cause of parental happiness and unhappiness, these being merely an accentuation, through the daily and hourly intimacy of married life, ot emotions common to us all. Lack character is the result of the reaction between inherited tendencies and the atmosphere, primarily of the home, later of school and of work and social intercourse. Grandparents play a very important part in certain families, their influence for good or evil being reflected from parents to children. Unfortunately the majority of people are unaware of their own tendencies, and equally ignorant of the reactions which have taken place as they have passed through childhood and adolescence to manhood or womanhood. Let us attempt to clear the position by giving one or two simple examples of the genesis of unhappiness in the home, although. in the majority of cases, additional factors enter in to complicate the situation. •v'/ Sense Of Inferiority A mother may, in her childhood, have suffered 'much unflattering criticism of her personal appearance or of her intelligence, or she may have been painfully conscious, during her school days, of her inferior social standing. As a result, she may develop a sense of general inferiority, which evidences itself by a readiness to take offence and a tendency

to magnify and distort any criticism. It is only too obvious that such a person will not be easy to live with, and will create much unhappiness for herself, while remaining ignorant of the true cause of it. Both marriage and motherhood will be apt to accentuate the position, since husband and children arc an extension of one's own personality. The children will suffer, either through the difficult situations which arise both in the home and outside it, or through sharing the mother's sense of inferiority. Let us now take an opposite type, the woman who, from her youngest days, has been spoiled and flattered and led to expect, as her right, that everyone should yield to her wishes. Whether she marry a man of her own type or one who accords consideration to and expects it from his fellow-creatures, friction will constantly arise and exercise its disturbing influence on the children at an age when they need calm and stability. Here, again, no solution will be found until the true state of affairs is realised and an attempt made to remedy it. The W; ■ong •'JI tmo sphere "VT’ct this is not always easy, bc- * cause of our inherent dislike to see ourselves in an unflattering light. The decision to seek an answer to the question : “Why have 1 failed to provide the right atmosphere?” demands the utmost sincerity and rare courage in the seeker. Where these exist, benefit accrues not only to the children, but to the parents themselves, since deeper understanding and fuller vision bring with them an unwonted sense of peace, even though it is secured by passing through the valley of humiliation. But parental unhappiness may depend upon more obvious causes, which can be read by any onlooker. The affection which existed at marriage, for instance, may have had but slender roots, and so have early shrivelled and died. Husband and wife may have sharply opposed types of character, which find no point of contact and produce constant irritation and quarrels; the inability to read and understand one another negativing any possibility of patient “give and take.” Jealousy, directed against a man or woman or against absorbing work, or which is focussed on one or other child, plays havoc in many homes. But indeed, the causes are not only innumerable, but are so intermingled. that an attempt to harmonise the discord is equivalent to the labour of patiently disentangling a much-entangled skein. <vf Miserable ('hi Id T et us rather pass on to discuss ■*'-thc actual effect which unhappy

parents have upon their children. This will he most satisfactorily done by means of examples from everyday life. A little girl of seven was brought for advice because she had within the last two or three weeks developed a capacity for swearing, which horrified and alarmed her parents, who were at a loss to know where she could possibly have heard some of the expressions used. As would be expected, the child was also reported to be miserable and restless. She wore the same unchanging expression of anxiety and worry which was so noticeable in her mother’s face, while the right to self-indulgence which had been accorded her, had led to a condition of boredom and something very near to contempt for her parents. She was at times intolerably rude to her mother. This would be followed by a fit of profound regret and penitence, when she would weep and implore forgiveness—only to repeat the performance on a subsequent day. .Granted that the child was not ill, either physically or through any degree of mental deficiency, such behaviour was accepted as evidence of deep-seated trouble in the home, which could only be brought to light by extremely frank discussions. The situation was one of peculiar complexity, of which a mere outline can he given. Discord between the parents had culminated in profound jealousy on the part of the wife, a jealousy which appeared to have a certain foundation, and the grounds for which had been discussed in the child's presence. The little girl in turn, although reported to be devoted to her mother, gave every evidence of being jealous of her and devoted to her father. It is impossible to attempt a detailed interpretation of the position in this house, hut the point which stands out beyond any dispute is the condition of profound emotional turmoil and unhappiness into which the little girl was thrown by the atmosphere of her home.

What paused Stammering T est some should regard this as a *.y very extreme instance, let me cite another. The patient, a girl of fifteen, and one of three sisters, was brought on account of a stammer which had existed since childhood, and which greatly handicapped her at school. She was described as being very nervous, very reserved and unwilling to associate with the friends of the family. On following up these symptoms, the following condition of affairs was discovered. The mother, as a result of her reaction in childhood to her own father, was an expert at nagging and quarrelling, her husband and youngest daughter (the patient) hearing the brunt of it in the home. As a result, the patient was found, under the assumption of a reserved

manner, to be in as great a state of emotional turmoil as the little girl of seven, the stammer being merely an outward sign of her inability to give any expression to the seething tumult within her. She had also, because of the criticism to which she \v«s subjected, developed a complete lack of confidence in herself, this lack of confidence being in no way justified by either her appearance or her abilities. In some cases, the child, with native quickness to utilise a situation to his own advantage, will make use of discord and jealousy to play off one parent against another and secure some profit to himself. Apart from the more obvious heritage to the child of manifold nervous symptoms. unhappiness and crippled development, is the certainty, unless he comes under a strong counteracting influence, that he in return will become an “unhappy parent” and breed unhappy children. He may, on the other hand, arrive at the regrettable decision that he will forego marriage and with it the possibility of such a fate. But what of happy parents? Happiness ‘Brings Hart)tony T T appiness suggests harmony, and whenever we enter this harmonious type of home we at once feel an atmosphere of peace. Children very quickly and quite insensibly adopt the tone of their home atmosphere. If we address a child rudely he will certainly reply rudely; if we speak to him politely, as to an equal, we shall almost certainly secure a polite response. We are, therefore, prepared to find that happy parents beget happy children, and since happiness is an evidence of harmonious balance in the individual, there is also much less likelihood of a deflection in the child’s development. We cannot, therefore, at once conclude that no difficulties exist in such a home. Experience, in a fair percentage of cases, teaches the contrary. But it also justifies us in saying that parents of this type, who have tackled and solved many of their own character-problems, have, if one may so express it, “a heart at leisure from itself” to consider the problems affecting their children. In conclusion, it will be helpful to re-affirm the truth, which cannot be over-emphasised, that self-knowledge {true self-knowledge and not a counterfeit) is absolutely essential for all of us, parents or foster parents, so that we become alive to the possibility of friction between ourselves and the children who are committed to our care, such friction arising chiefly through certain difficult points in our own characters. Self-knowledge places us in a position of advantage, from which we survey the landscape and have a clearer vision of passing events in the home; while we develop a capacity for adjudging praise . and blame with more impartiality , and justice.-By Dr. Alice Hutchil son in Good Housekeeping.