Bits and Pieces

Waipukurau Press, Volume XIV, Issue 45, 19 April 1930, Page 3

Bits and Pieces

THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE? “They say she always keeps her word.” “She has to! Nobody will take it.” Sonny: Dad, I saved twopence today, I ran all the way to school behind a tram. Dad: Why didn’t you run behind a taxi, and save half a crown? Lady (in smoking carriage, to the meek little man about to light his pipe):. “Sir, do you know that smoking always makes me ill?” Meek Little Man: “In that case, madam, take my advice and give it up.” Success. She: Is your wife having any success in learning to drive the car? He: Well, the road is beginning to turn when she does. So Long, Mary! “She found out her husband had an affliction after they were married.” “Yes, after he married he developed club-feet.” Visibility. Grandmother: When -I was a girl we used to keep our money in our stocking tops. Granddaughter: But how risky to put it just where it could be seen. The Christian Spirit. Vicar: I was very pleased to see you at church last Sunday, Mrs Black.

Mrs Black: Oh, well, you'll be seein’ me there pretty often now; I’m doin’ it to spite the old man. The Quickest Way. Client: I want to draw up my will but I am not sure how to dictate it. Lawyer: Don’t you worry about it. You leave everything to me. Client: Yes. I suppose that would save a lot of time. It is bound to come to that in the end. A Golden Prospect. The commercial traveller was explaining why he insisted on smoking a certain brand of cheap cigarettes. ■_ “You see, when I collect 5000 of these coupons I get a grand piano.” One of the company promptly replied: “My dear chap, if you smoke 5000 packets of those things you'll want a harp.”

Forgot the Rule. “Grammar,” 'observed Cassidy to his friend Casey, “is a most confusing thing. I never can remember whether to say ‘lt is I’ or ‘lt is me.' ” “I can give you a good rule on that,” returned his friend. “Just say over to yourself this rhyme: “It is I,” said the spider to the fly,' and there you are.” A few days later the friend met Cassidy and asked whether the rule had been any help. “Surely, it would have but for wan thing.” replied Cassidy. “I couldn’t for me loife sake remember whether your rhyme was: ‘ “It is I.”

said the spider to the fly.’ or ‘ “It is me,” said the spider to the flea’’"

The Obvious Conclusion. The teacher was vexed. “Look here, Johnnie,” she said, “this is the third time in one week that you’ve come to school without a pencil. It’s getting too bad.” ‘l’m sorry, miss,” apologised Johnnie. “I keep on forgetting it.” “That’s no excuse,” continued the teacher. “What woud you think of a soldier who went to war without his gun?” “I’d think he was an officer, miss,” he replied.

LATEST “HOWLERS." “Lady Godiva was a jockey.” is one historical gem furnished by a schoolboy to a collection of “howlers” in “The University Correspondent.” Here are some extracts: — School boards were not introduced until 1870. Previous to this small slates had-to be used. The opposite of evergreen is nevergreen. x vmicago is at the bottom of Lake Michigan. The population of London is a bit too thick. The only signs of life in the Tundras are a few stunted corpses. The five greatest powers in Europe are battleships, submarines, aeroplanes, electricity, and Mr Philip Snowden. Syncopation is emphasis on a note which is not in the piece. A blackleg is an obnoxious pimple on the face. Post-mortem equals after 12 o’clock.