Wit and Humon

Woodville Examiner, Volume 3, Issue 281, 3 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humon

Down in front.—The dude’s first mousWhen an Irishwoman feels sorry for her husband her heart goes pity Pat. Who says polo is not an intellectual pastime ? Docs not every game have several accrostics in it ? First love and a first shave come but once in a man’s life-time. And neither usually has much result. Two hours in a row-boat with a pretty girl seems shorter than half a second in a dentist’s chair with an aching tooth, “ Well, that beats me !”the boy exclaimed when his teacher sent him up to the principal’s room to borrow the master’s cane. It has been discovered that a man can fall in love on a very small salary, but marriage requires at least £i per week. Aged Suitor— “ I shall love you as long as I live.” Young Lady—“ That will pot suffice. I want some one who will love me as long as I live.”

Greeen-grocers are not always as verdant as the name of their business seems to indicate. Some of them will not give credit at aB. „„ . , , “ Are you a marrying man ? was asked ot a sombre-looking gentleman at a recent town reception. “ Yes, sir,” was the prompt reply, “ I’m a clergyman.” “ A German mechanic can support himself and his family on one pound a week, says au exchange* We presume this refers to a German who is not a Socialist. To be a Socialist, a German is obliged to spend that much for lager alone. Prevention of Crime. —Gent, (frantically excited): “ Here, policeman, take me in charge 1” Bobby : “ Why, what have you done ?” Gent: “ I’ve had a quarrel with my sweetheart and am about to commit suicide 1 “ Look here, judge,” said the burglar, “ I ain’t so bad as you think I am. Only give me time and I'll reform.” And the judge gave him fifteen years. An American minister was dismissed from an orthodox pulpit because he built a fire under a balky horse. Fire may do very well for starting a stubborn sinner on the right road, but it’s cruel to use it on a horse, Visitor (in gaol) —“ What brought you to this place, my friend?” Convict —“Sneezing," Visitor—“ Sneezing ?” Convict—“Yis, sorr. It woke the gintleman np an he nabbed me. Have ye got a bit of tobaccy about ye, sorr 1" E mma goes to school, but dislikes it very much. A lady friend of the family questioned her on the subject : “Emma, what do you do in school ? Do you learn to read ?” Emma shakes her head, “Do you learn to write ? Another shake. “ Then what do you do ? “ I wait for it to be out." A country paper tells the story of a gentlewoman of that city who, last summer, attended a funeral in a local church. After the singing of a hymn, the man who was sitting beside her remarked: “Beautiful hymn, isn’t it, ma’am? The corpse wrote it.” Visitor (wanting to be facetious, to editor) —“ You have lots of paste, I see. Now what do you do with so much of it?” Editor (without looking up from his work)— “ Paste ? O, the compositors use it to ‘ stick type with, I believe.” How is it, though, that we never hear anything of the father-in-law; he absolutely never appears in literature, serious or comm —that is to say, not as a father-in-law with any genetic characteristics. But we must leave the question to the physiologist, psychologists, and the jokeologists. De Baggs—“ Twombly, I hear you were robbed last night." Twombly—“ So I was, worse luck. Sister was married last Wednesday ; lots of silver in the house, yon know, and I couldn’t trust the servants, so 1 bought a large and savage dog.” “ And the thieves stole the silver After all?" “No, they stole the dog.” “ Have, you and Clara had a quarrel, Mr, Featherly ?” inquired Bobby, as that young man stretched his legs under the supper table and unfolded his napkin. “ Certainly not,” replied Bobby’s sister with asperity; “ don’t be foolish.” “ Well, then,” persisted Bobby, doggedly, “ when he left you last night at the front door what did yon call him an insatiate monster for 7”

Mrs. Flunket—“ lam getting uneasy about my husband’s intellect—or his memory, per* baps I should say.” Mrs. Dorsey—“ In what way V’ “ I asked him for £lO and he gave it to me without a word." “ Why, that was strange 1 But what led yon to feel concerned about his memory ?” “ Why, the fact that he didn’t ask me what I had done with the halfcrown which he gave me last week." At a Restaurant. —One of the guests afforded a singular instance of absence of mind and second sight. While eating his dinner he had spread the evening paper on his knees, wiping his mouth with it from time to time, his eyes being fixed on the table-napkin which lay before him on the table, as if in the act of reading. Dr. Hammond says, “ In another thousand years we shall be bald." Well, In another thousand years we shan’t care if we are,