SOME SNAP SHOTS.

Wanganui Herald, Volume XXX, Issue 8794, 7 March 1896, Page 2

SOME SNAP SHOTS.

Bx"Kodai."

The " web ot our life is of a mingletl yarn, good and ill together."— Authob Kxovm. An Australian J.P. inspected a Board school, and recorded his opinion of it thus : Schildrin gettin* on furst rait. * * » * Mamma— l gaye you tho cane only yesterday, and you are a bad boy again to-day. Well, thnt tbosrs it didn't do me any good, • # * * It is e«tiajat4cj that if tho'preoent method of capfcuting salmon in the Paoifio Ocean rivers is continued, this great fish will ho exterminated in three years. # * * * A temperanoe society at Danbury, OonI nectiout, which is composed of yonng 1 women who haye pledged thermelves not to marry any man who touoheß liquor, has a mombersfiip of four hundred. I * # # # I How do you pronounce that word a»kea an up country schoolmaster of an Irish J pupil, at the same timo writing ' opposite ' lou the blackboard. Oh, some calls it ' opposit,' said the pupil, but it really means I f ormnst you." "•* • ♦ Why, asked the philosopher, why ii it that a man -the nobleit oreated object— why is it that a man should have suoh doubts of his ability to win a woman's tffection when he considers the suocess in. that line of a popeyod, pudding-shaped,, stumo-tailed pug dog ? But the assembled* listeners answered him not. * * • # Artemus Ward once asked the conductor of a slow train in the Southern States of America to remove the oow-catoher from the front of tbe engine to tho baoi of the last oar, for, as he expressed it, this train is not liable to overtake a ootr, whereas there is nothing to prevent a oow from coming ia behind and goring a passenger. • • * • Impatient damsels and laggard swains scarcely need to be reminded that we ar» now in the pririleged period of leap year. BW of them, perhaps, realise that, unless in the interval the equalisation of the sexes proceeds space, no other opportunity will present itself to enterprising ladies until 1904. # # * * Brown, to waiter who has last brought his ordor— Did you over see me before I. gave you my order ? Waiter— No air. Brown— Well you have tho most wonderful memory for faces I ever saw m my life. Waiter — Do you think so, sir ? Brawn— Yes; the idea of a man who only saw me once remembering my faco bo long afterwards it & little Short of. miraculom. # • • * Teacher : If one servant girl oould clean two roooms in two hours, how long would it take two servant girls to do it ? Little Girl : Four hours Teacher : Wrong. It would only take one hour. Little Girl : Oh, I didn't know you was> talkin' about servant girls that wasa'fc on. •neakin' terms. * • * • An Oxford don. famons for his abtenoo of mind, and also for an unfortunate habit of mixing his words in hit sermons, once' electrified his hearers by saying, ' We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fiih (half-formed wish) inside as.' And, again, speaking of the different sooial grades im this mortal life, he added, ' But when we die we all come to a lead devil (dead level.)' 1 * • # * A tourist, milling in a ohnrohyard, seeing' an old man at work among the graves, said, ' I suppose, my man, you are one of the> offioials ol this chmch?' 'Reiala, fir? 1 Why, lawk, I hardly know what I deu be t When Parson Wood oome, he tay I vrora tho loxtant ; and then Parson j)ean, he oomo. When he axed for me, he said, ' Whero'a tho beetle ?' And now Mr Good* vtie bo our parson, and he says I'm the warKin.' • # * # An up country storekeeper oallod a moot' ing of his oreditors the othei day and imparted to them the gratifying intelligence that Mb assets were nil. * Well, it's no mo crying over spilt milk, 1 said the jolly little man in the light tweed' suit. ' Heie, Jon," (to tho bankrnpty : ' Giveus a song ; oome on, le'o's have something, for our brass.' The 'broker' tieaitited, but being no* pealed to again 'to come on,' oame on, and gave them ' Ton'U Bomember Me.' They wore fearfully wild at first, hut as the humor of the sitnation struck them they began to laugh, and before the singer got to his last line were just roaring, # * • # The w«II known story of a man who i»w- » burglar in his bedroom, and havingojoertainod that he was looking for money,, lit a oandle and helped him to look for it, i» capped by the following anecdote s— Wife — I believe there's a burglar ia the-t house.

Hnaband— Say nothing, bnt keep perfectly quiet. He may leave a jemmy behind him or something else of value. Wecan't afford to throw away any chance that, offers to earn an honest penny. • # # *

Ho was going home late from a olub« dinner (relates " Aulus " in tho Australasian) and getting into the flrji haojom., offered tbo driver a half eoveieigh to drive' him to Windsor. On the way out he nutioed that tho cab took rathor a zigzag cource, and oloser inßDoctioo showed that tho driver was drunk. Ho was equal to ths emergency, for he put the drive* ipiido, olimod to top seat bimieif, and drore horns. There the driver was not bo dro.Dk as to have forgotten the wav of. hi« profewion. and demanded a sovereign as the fare. A row followed, a constable intervened, and learning the faoti of the case sent the cabby about his huuiness. But next day the diner out w»s summoned for driving a oab without a licenie.

, There was a wedding down Bouth Jjieotb.or day, After the knot was tied % tho parton (an old friend o[ the bride'i f'^taily} said to the bride : ' My dear, you h»>en't paid me my fee' ' What is that ?* said the' bride. ' A kits. Won't yon pay me beforeyon go ?• 'Of course I will,' the answered,. blußhmg and laughing. And she aid. A eerero old maiden lady, tending by, wasi terribly shocked at BUoh leyity, and wors* s> she thought it, on the part of th» jolly divine } bnt everyone else, the bridegroom included, smilad ab tho incident. As the old maid, ft littlo later was about to drive 1 away fiom the door, ehe put her head oat of her brougbun window and aaid v severely, a« the parson, among oth«», bade hot adieu : « Well, Mr Clergyman, how about that, ecleiiastical Km? 1 'Not now,* answered ho. 'I will give ilyou another time. So very pablio here !' She dieap* paarcd. Tua gaeats roared and the parson, scored.