WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 204, 31 August 1935, Page 14

WIT and HUMOUR

A doctor says his pet. aversion is Americans with gold-liilcd teeth. Yet, ; au the Wild West prospector would < say, "Thar’s gGid in thorn Viiar mount ’us.” Explicit. Au Irishman got a job at. a railway j ; stal.iun. When the first train came iu ; however, he lorgot the name of Hie station, so he called out: I “Here ye are tor where ye are going, i All in there fur here, come cull ‘ No Change. Mother: “No, lunimj, I’ve told you a dozen times, 1 wuu t give you a 1 penny lor sweets.” Tummy (in aggrieved tu-nes): “1 1 don’t see where uad gets the idiu that you are always changing yaur mind!” ; Not Qualified. The Hollywood film director wanted sonreune to play a Scotland Y ard uclec Live, and the casting office sent along a possible man. After a very brief interview the director sent tue actur back with a note: “This man won’t do. He hasn’t a trace of a Scottish accent.” kot so Green. “Here!” called out Reginald, the office wit, to the new boy. “Kun over to Nibs and Dibs and get three pennyworth of pigeon’s ihiiK. Here’s half-a-crown; bring the change back to me and be quick about it.” The boy set out, but did not return for some lime. \\ men he did get back the manager was giving orders to Reginald. But the boy knew nothing ol‘ office etiquette, so- he stepped between them and produced a live pigeon. “Here you are,” he said. “AL. Nibs said you can jolly well milk the bird voursclf. And there’s no change. Seeing Things. Two stiangers were in a railway carriage. The nose of one betrayvd bis fondness fcr the bottle. Beside him ou the seat was a basket, and every new and then he lifted the lid and cautiously peered inside. This peculiar behaviour aroused the curiosity of his fellow traveller, and he inquired what sort of creature might be hidden in the basket. The other man explained: “Well, it’s like this. I’m continually seeing •snakes, and , in order to deal with them, 1 thought it would be a good plan tu have a mongoose in this basket.” His fellow traveller laughed and said “But the snakes you see arc only imaginary ones ” “Yes,” was the reply, “but this is an imaginary mongoose.”

“Can you tell me of any indoor game that has a kick in it?” asks a correspondent. Bridge—with ones wife as partner. Recognised. 'lke wii’v of a wuli-Knuwn Norwegian j author has been telling a slury against hersel f. Huh husband had translated one ul Shakespeare’s plays into Norwegian, and it was to be produced al the National Thea tie in Oslo. Wishing to see lhe lirsl rehearsal, to which her husband hud already gone, she presented herself alone at Hie dour of the theatre, only to be refused admittance by the duorkveper, who did not know her. ‘‘But 1 am the author’s wife,” she protested in indignation. “I am very sorry indeed, Mrs. Shakespeare.” said the man, politely, “but even you cannut go in.”

Modem schoolboys have a definite aim in life, we arc told. Usually in the direction uL’ the glass-house. “It used lo be said that the man who hestiates is lost,” says a magistrate. It is also believed that the woman who hesitates is extin' t. Worth It. “I’ll give you thirty shillings for Hint pup.” “Gan t be done. sir. That pup belongs li. my will', an’ she’d sob 'er 'earl, out. But I tell you what—.'■pritig another ten bob an’ we’ll let ’er Competition. Axladg. l : “Why do you prefer \V;igii( i ’ Murjoiic: “Because he eoinpos' , s nbout the cnly kind of music one can -wiar abin e lhe conversation.” Longest R-outo. '“The world is round, isn’t it?” '■Supposed lo be, yes.” “Well, if I wanted to go east 1 cou'd eventually get there by going west. (-Giildn ’t 1 ? ” “ISav, what are von—a taxi drixer?”

Uonimittec: A body that keeps tniuutvs and wastes hours. Two Tragedies: Wife backs horse. Wife backs car into garage. “Egyptian roads are the worst in the world,” writes a traveller. Hence coms in Egypt, of cc-urse. A doctor says that a man who ifas lost all interest in food should visit the seaside. Another good remedy is tu marry the girl. A racehorst has been named “Nudisl.” It, won’t be long before some punter will be unable to resist the temptation to put his shirt on it. A scientist claims to have discovered a more destructive force than any previously known to man. Our laundry will no duiibt worm the secret out ul him. It is staled that all London river-po-lice are able lo swim. It would be very undignified if a boa(-lo;id of con stables were upset in the Thames and juvenile experts on the bank began diving for coppers.