SENSE AND NONSENSE

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 20150, 19 May 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

SENSE AND NONSENSE

RANDOM REFLECTIONS OF A LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER

(By

ROBERT MAGILL)

Old customs, like kind words, old soldiers, cats, and wealthy uncles, never die. The big stores sec to that -when the said old customs consist of our giving each other presents which we buy at these same big stores. Christmas would long ago have become as distasteful as any other quarter-day if it were not for the fact that for weeks beforehand you can’t pass even a tombstone maker’s without seeing a placard “Useful Gifts.” Which is why I feel that the big firms were unbusinesslike to let drop the habit of sending valentines, because some of these scraps of ribbon and cardboard used to be sold for as much as ten pounds each. True, you got a little verse thrown in, such as—i “Red is the rose and blue the sky, Green is the grass and so am 1.” But this isn’t worth ten pounds, except as a fine for being drunk in charge of a fountain-pen. Earlier than this, however, the eus tom was for an equal number of maidens and youths to forgather and draw | lots for each other, and if the young man wasn’t satisfied with his little lor, he had to buy her off with a present. Otherwise he gave her the hump, eventually, because he married her. The modern girl, however, is not keen on pretty cards unless they are the ace, king, queen and jack, and she is far too independent to stand idly by while a couple of lads toss up for her. It used to be said that February 14 was selected as the date for the lovers’ festival because on that day the birds choose their mates, and many a man who has tried to pick out a mate his| also got the bird. But it is easy to trace the connection between bt. Valeir tine and matrimony, borne say he lost his head, and others that he was beaten to death with clubs. Anyway, he was a martyr. And if you want any further explanation, apply to any wife or husband. • • ♦ * I believe she does it to put us in our place, but the wife of the man next door is always explaining to us that she knows some really nice people. These nice people are not suburban like us. They find it cheaper apparently, to live in a so-called fiat, consisting Gl four rooms over a ham and beef shop in what they call Kensington, although the proper postal address is Fulham. At all events, the people next door considered themselves practically on rhe verge of being on the edge of the fringe of the smart set, so to speak, an i they determined to form a Putney Habitation of the Bright Young People. Their first effort was a Baby Party, to which everybody in the road had to come dressed as he or she was at the age of six. I couldn’t see much difference in rlw women’s dresses myself, excepting that those of them whose hair was fixed on tightly enough to stand it had it tied up with ribbon. The men mostly wore plus fours, explaining that they wore knickerbockers like these as far as they could remember, although if the man next door was in the habit of wearing loud socks like that in his youth I feel sure the. other little boys would have been positively rude Io him. Flat-Dwellers’ Frolic. The alleged fun started with an attempt to play ring-a-ring-a-roses, but it. was hardly a success, because we practically had to stand some of the ladies up again by sheer force after we all fell down, and the creaking of the knees became ominous. It degenerated

into a discussion on cures for rheumt* tism. Next we had a guessing game, which somehow ended in our sitting and listening to :l three-cornered argument by two gentlemen and a lady who had between them tried all the advertised appliances for overcoming deafness, and found them all rotten. I tried to get back the first fine careless rapture by suggesting musical chairs, but when one Judy of thirteen stone sat down hard on the chair 1 was already sitting in, the man next door thought of another game straight away. I have promised to lend him some glue to stick thi; legs in again before long. The only real juvenile touch which everybody enjoyed was that we got so bored that we broke up about halfpast nine, and went home to let nursa put us to bed. I am pleased to say that nobody was .sick. I think next time we want some hilarity in our neighbourhood I shall run a whist drive in aid of the organ fund. Motor Manners. I am not going to join this new ciety for presenting putty medals ta motorists who cun manage to drive for three years without being locked up. If we encourage this sort of thing it will not be loug before we shall be giving each other the Freedom of East Putney in a golden casket for not having beaten our wives for a month, or for keeping clear of arson, petty larceny and murder. Ordinary decent ’people obey the rules for the sake of | the rules, and moreover, from what I remember of the way they gave prizes for good conduct to every boy in tho school but me, a prize was merely a recognition of the fact that you were not found out. I always drive carefully myself. Before I go out 1 say to myself, “Now then, 1 will not travel at more than twenty-five miles an hour. I will hoot like an owl with whooping cough at all cross-roads. I will dismount and lead old ladies out of danger, also small dogs, chickens, cyclists and other impediments, penalising myself one stroke each time. Before I pass the man in front I will drive up ahead of him, and stop to explain what 1 am going to do. then go back and do it, but if a man behind me wishes to pass me I will stop and lift my car into the hedge until he has gone by.” 1 then proceed to uproot another gatepost as I back out, and 1 drive off slowly, so as not to dislodge my halo. Then somebody in a pre-war Tin Lizzie goes past me on a bend. This 14 very dangerous, and to avoid its happening again I speed her up a bit. A very small car pops up from a drail and buzzes along in front, as fast, as n clockwork mouse. I have to speed up still more to pass it, in ease I run into it and it gets caught in the works. Some fool appears at a cross-road, and L go still a little faster to get out of his way. While climbing a hill soma impatient ass hoots behind me, so I change down like Captain Malcolm Campbe’d, and show him how hills caa bo climbed. If you can call driving at forty mile! an hour driving carefully, I am by now . tired of driving carefully. The world seems full of idiots who linger by :.uu wayside in front of me, or else maniacs behind who want to cut in on me, and I won’t hav e it. I don’t care if I -K on the, wrong side of the, white, lino. I shall go still faster, so that I won’t be there so long.