A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXII, Issue 19443, 31 October 1925, Page 21 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

According To Scripture. Sunday School Teacher: Now, Johnny may tell us what the good book says about fishing on Sunday. Johnny Walton (somewhat uncertainly): “The better the day, the better the deed.” Music Hath Charms. “Are you fond of music?’’ “Not very, but 1 prefer it to popular songs. ’ Economy Of Space. Sherlock: That fellow must live in a jolly small flat! Watson: How do you arrive at that conclusion? Sherlock: Observe that his dog wags his tail up and down, instead 01 sideways. Just As Good. “Have you a copy of 4 Who's Who and What’s What’ by Jerome.” “No, sir; hut we got ‘Who’s He and What’s He Got,’ by Bradstreet.” Looking Forward. Small Son 1 : I say, daddy, when people go to heaven, do they become angels right away, or have they to pass a lot of horrid examinations first. Her Last Place. Mistress (to prospective maid): You tell mo you worked three years for a profiteer’s wife and she didn’t give you the least recommendation? Maid: No—but that’s because she didn’t know how to write. Crossing St. Peter. Little Jean’s canary, “Wiffles, ” had died, and the poor youngster seemed heart-broken. To console her somewhat her father gave her a cigar-box in which to deposit the remains. “Dad.” whispered Jean, when the funeral was over, “will Wiffles go to heaven?’ “I expect so,” replied her father. “Why?’ “I was only thinking.” murmured Jean, “how cross St. Peter will be when he opens the box and finds *t isn’t cigars after all!” * # # # The Bathing Lesson. He had just finished giving her her first lesson’, and they lay on the sand basking in the warm sunshine. Then she spoke. “I have a confession to make,” she said. “I know it was wrong to deceive you. 1 am the girl who swam from the Battery to Sandy Hook last summer.’ A look of chagrin spread across his handsome face. “I should have recognised you.” he said rather bitterly. “1 knew I had seen your picture somewhere in the. papers. But I thought you were the girl who swam the English Channel.” A Piteous Appeal. Tender the main entrance of one of our churches a poor woman, shivering with cold, and holding a baby in her arms, appealed to the charity of the passers-by.

I “Why, your infant is of pasteboard!” said a gentleman, as he tapped its nose, ' hich sounded hard and resonant. “Oh! I beg your pardon, monsieur. Tt is so cold; I left the real one at home. ’ ’ * # * The Force of Habit. Stipendiary (to suitor for the hand of his daughter): You are twentyeight years of age, you say? Suitor: Yes. Stipendiary: Protestant? Suitor: Yes. Stipendiary: Married? The Colour Scheme. Her Husband: Can’t we have some 1 moat other than ham occasionally? Mrs Junebride: I don’t see how wo s can, dearie. It’s the only meat I’ve I found that exactly matches our dinner set. * * # * She Knew. ! How silly some of these sayings are!’’ remarked the sagacious man. ! “ Take, for example that one about there being nothing new under the sun.” “Is there anything really new?” asked his wife. “Of course there is! Don’t you read the papers? Don’t these X-rays enable you to take a man and see right through him?” “Yes, Oswald, dear,” she answered ! gently, “but any woman could do that before X-rays wore even thought of! Extra Professional. Traveller (in a railway carriage, to a i fellow-passenger): Sir, what do you 'mean? This is the third time you have ■ put out my match! 1 Fellow-passenger: Force of Habit! I’m a member of a volunteer fire brigade!

Why. Jackie: “Why docs your new baby cry so much?” Mabel: “If all your teeth were out and your hair off, and your legs bo weak that you could not stand on them, you’d cry a bit more than my baby docs, I guess!” w # Naughty Teeth! Auntie: “Why, darling, what art you crying for? Are you in pain? Little Betty: “800-boo! My teeth have gone and trodden on my tongue! ’• ❖. ❖ * The Finishing Touches. “Mother,” said little John, enteF» ing from an errand, I’ve seen a man who makes horses.” “Oh! Johnny, are you sure?’’ replied his puzzled mother. “Yes,” he said, “he had a horse nearly finished when I saw him; ho was just nailing on its back feet.” Tommy Knew. School Teacher: “Tommy, tell mft what it is that the busy bees teach us.” Tommy (with painful memories);, “To keep away from the hive, sir.” A Funny Dream. Mamma: “Goodness! What is th® matter? ’ 9 Molly: “Oh, mummy! T dreamt that I swallowed myself—but I haven’t, have I?” # * Well Done! “Now, Tommy,” said mummfy “I’m going upstairs to make the beds and I want you to look after these shirts I’ve put to air by the fire.” “Yes, mum,” said Tommy cheerfully, and mother departed to the higher regions. After a time Tommy’s shrill treble floated up the stairs: “Come on, mum, I think the shirts are done. They are quite brown.” Cutting. Visitor: “Bother it, sir; I’ve just been stung by one of your bees. What are you going to do about it?” Bee-keeper: “If you’ll first show me which bee it was, I’ll punish the horrid thing severely.” *❖* ❖ * Modern Artist: Ido wish you would watch that child. Ho has spoilt two of my pictures already. Wife (after anxious scrut iny); Which two, dear. * * ❖ * Dreadful Preparation. “Shall I go over the top?” asked the talkative barber, poising his shears. “Yes, as soon as your gas attack is over,” answered the weary customer. Charity Begins at Home. The absent-minded Professor Lumplin is always so shabbily dressed, ami presents, altogether, such a brokendown appearance, that, the other day, on seeing his reflection in a large mirror, ho drew out his purse to give himself alms.

Interest. Joe: There are some things that ar® better left unsaid. Flo: What are they?* “No news is good news,” but it won’t do to run a daily paper on thia principle. ❖ ❖ ♦ • Left. Husband (loaded with luggage, at railway station): “I wish we’d brought the piano, dear.” Wife: ‘JDon’t try to bo funny George!’’ “But, you see, I left the tickets on the piano!” Don’t Delay. Fobert, aged six, ardently desired ft sister, and was told that if he prayed for one a baby might come. So he added to his nightly prayers a petition for a little sister. Results not coming as soon as he wished, one night he added:— “If you have a baby almost finished don’t wait to put in her tonsils or appendix, as they usually have to be cut out, anyhow.’ ’ Preferably. He: I hear someone has suggested a statue, to the man who invented rubber tyres. She: Wouldn’t a bust bo more appropriate? __ * The Resemblance. “This wireless is just like the row* me and the missus have.” “How’s that?” “It’s words over nothing.” * * So yon want a divorce from Tout wife?" Aren’t your relations pleasant ? ’ ’

“Mine are, but hers are the most unpleasant lot I ever mot.”