MERELY SMITH-JONES.

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXVI, Issue 17397, 7 October 1918, Page 6

MERELY SMITH-JONES.

IMAGINARY INTERVIEWS WITH

PRINCIPALS

Upon hearing that the members of the "''Merely Smith-Jones. Company hrid nrrivod in town, our reporter vhitod tlio principal*, and reports as follows: — At first s'ght Sergt .Johnston appears to bo rather .stout, but this disappears n.;, acquaintance ripens. Ho was ri'ciui_ i«rr gracefully on a sugar-hack which was stretched across two benzine eas:\s, and whi'e ho tailed he smoked a clay pipe_.oor:taiiiing some dock-lcavos. "What is your opinion regarding *he condition o? the Japanese' postal service?" T asked.

"Well," replied Sergt. Johnston, os l;e drained a dipper of rum and raspberry. ':I hardly know. I did not ha-.-c time to go into the matter during my visit to Japan. T. had most of my time taken up with the study of cabbages, with which that country abound... In Japan cabbages take the iirst place in everyone's thought.-, and I am convinced that tho only thing which prevents cabbage-? being tho staple food and decoration of the people is that there are no cabbages in Japan. Now. that is a matter which should be looked into b.y tho War Department of that country, because a:> an ardent, and, I think I may say, g'-i'tt'd student of economics and gastronomies, I am absolutely certain that until a country can own at least one cabbage, that country i s not prepared lor war. History hits proved that, over and over again. Look at the Battle of Hastings." I looked, but could not see, it. "Yes." repeated my friend, "look at the Battle of Hastings. Had Harold had a cabbage, to shelter him, he would not have been struck by the arrow which so suddenly and tragically cut short a young and promising life. But, after all, he was better dead. Ho suffered so." So saying. Sergeant Johnston rose and bowed. He did not offer me his hand. He would haye, only he would have had to drop the dipper of rum and raspberry. The vil'ainess of the company, to wit, Lance.Corpl. O'Donnell. 1 found at the theatre, buried deep in his property trunk, looking for "it." "I can never find 'it' when I arrive at a new place," ho remarked. "I spend hours looking for It, at times —and it is so inconveinient. You know, It i.; my most treasured possession. For worlds 1 wouldn't be without It. When I <Jo not possess It, I feel like a lost soul wandering through Hades. At such times tho sun loses its Jight, and the moon ceases to shine —if it i* daytime. Xone of tho other members of the core. pany know I possess It, otherwise I should be deprived of It for all timo. In that case. I could not possibly go on in tlv> play. 1 couldn't act without first finding It. Ai far as lam concerned, I should lose all interest injthc universe." "What might 'It' lie?'' I asked, with awe. "My corkscrew.'' he replied with that- inane politeness v.-hich is the hall-mark oi' every English gentleman. * Private Wilkcs, who figures a;* the Hero in tho now Revue, was interviewed on Saturday when ho was in his dressing-room, in tho act of "makingup" his mind. "Rea'ly, you know." he explained,/'J have, been " so inundated with invitaiions -to dyne. sup, and '.sleep out,' that I am in roniotiiirm very like a dilemma -as to what to decide upon, and I always considered myself 'prompt' at 'making up.' " Saying which he heaved ;i sigh, and his rigl't boot, and tl'c interview concluded.

The shapely Corpl. Crazier, whom I discovered doing the "Blondhi stunt on the clothe> line in the back yard, welcomed me. with a cheer and a lump cf coal.

''This \~. my favouri'e esercHe," ):e said. ''f. ulway.i do this for two hours oiu-ii day. If* improves the i!)t«'j!<jet. Tou've no idea how <1 it is for the brain to bala'ue cm a elot'ie-, line «n ono toe —()referaljly the 1 il ll o t»e." " What effect do you think red .stockir.:;s would hiivo oil tin- digestion:-'" ! enquired. "Well."' relied Corpl. Cro-?ii-r, as he removed his Jnbo tc.?th and placed them in liis boot. "1 think thai, it would largely depend u\y>v\ whether or not they wore oaten.'' Saying; which. Corpl. Crosier thi-ew mo :i ki^s and j».:l into the water-butt.

Sergt.-Ma.ior (Uanville. the liusine-.-s manager oc the show, was >.it_ tin«: on the bar of his hotel sucking c^<£; tbroiiLcli ji -straw. "Do U>ll me." I entreated, "'whether you find the bn-i----iio-s management very trying/ ''As I have not dono fiiiy bi.>in»>s«. T'm afraid 1 cannot oblige you."' he .-.aid. "You see, I ;;m cssentiriily interested in ponL try. that'; why. I'm scratching & living in j.hi; busint'sri. 1 would ha to ;i to bo said that anyone could do » thinj; hotter than I could. So I don't do anything at u'l. A'; T have an f-iu gasement to climb n t^P^riiph pole. T mwt leaA'e you." And. placing his head in his waistcoat pocket, us left.