The Grand Protection Cordial

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2098, 29 July 1887, Page 2

The Grand Protection Cordial

Ok (PATENT POLITICAL MEDICINES,

(To the Editor Wajejuum Dailt.)

8m, —Knowing the interest your readers take in the subjects of lAud Nationalization and Protection, I venture to send you the following extracts from a speech latterly delivered by a new political empiric—Professor Puff Protection Awh Ogg, E. 8., A.B.B.—whose utterances have lately been causing ronsiderabto amusement. The “ learned " ProfessOT spoke somewhat as follows J>diosand Gentlemen, My name is Professor run Protection Awn Ogg, E. 8., A.8.8., ®c., Ac., physician to those great and mighty potentates RenaU-Curiail, and Han Khan Meredith, of Llandaff. Emperors of all the Wairarapas. I was converted to Christianity—lately. I came t<J this here country, which may bo reckoned the greatest blessing that ever happened to New Zealand, for I've brought with ms the following unparalleled, inestimable, and never-to-be-matched political medicines : the first is called the great StoutBallauoe Henry Goorgoo Lan Dnati—Onali—Zation cordial—one drop of which poured into any of your ears, if you should have had the misfortune to lose your brains, will give you the right to another man’s laud, tomorrow, without the trouble of either paying for it, or working for it; and if any lady should happen to be troubled with that gant and redundant exuberance called a beard, it will remove it in three ampocations, and put her into Parliament quicker than she oould fill her beet baby’s feeding bottle. Ladies and Gentlemen, I beg to state that I may not be no par* ticular scholar neither a horator, but this 'ere bottle which I ’olde in my ’and, is called The great elliptical—assiatiosl— Landaffiau Ronallcnrial protection cordial, which cures all the diseases incidental to humanity. 1 don’t like to talk of myself, ladies and gentlemen, because the man who talks about himself is a Hegotist; but this I will venture to say, tnat I am not only the greatest editor, physician, and politico-philosopher of the age, but the greatest genius that ever illuminated mankind —but you know I don’t like to talk of myself j yon should only read one or two of my lists of cures, out of the many thousands I have by me, written, printed, and published by—myself; if you knew the benefits so many people have received from my grand—elliptical—assiatical—Landaffian Ren* alcurial—protection cordial, that cures all the political diseases incidental to humanity, none of yon would bo such fools as to work at all I’ll just read ona or two.

(The Profusor read several Utters.) “Sir, —I was tanned to death in Messrs Harvey and Sons tannery; cured with one bottle, and now all the British manufactures have sold out, packed up, and travelled to this Colony, and are employed by me. Sir.—l was boiled to death in Messrs Wilton’s Kurupum soap and candle factory ; took half a bottle of your Protection cordial, and now boil my own soap, and all the skilled artisans of Great Britain and their families work for me.”

Now, ladies and gentlemen, comes the most wonderful of all: “ Sir—Venturing too near the Star bun* kum and balderdash mill, at Masterton, I was first howled to death by Star boys, and thou, by a sudden explosion of editorial vernacular, blown into a million of atoms; by this unpleasant accident Iwao rendered unfit for my business (a billiard marker) but hearing of your grandelliptical —assiatical Landaffian Reuallcurial—protection cordial, that cure* all diseases incidental to humanity, 1 war persuaded to make essay thereof; the first bottle united my strayed particles, the second animated my shattered frame; the third made me a radical cure; the fourth sent me to Wairarapa booth t a sing the praises of Professor Fuff Protection Awn Ogg, £.6. A.8.8, do., Ac., and recount the wonderful effects of hie grand—elliptical—assiatical— Landaffian Beuallcurial—Protection cordial”

Hoping at fature date to further report the Professor's utterances.

I. am, Ac,, XXX.