Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2090, 8 July 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

BUI Nye's Brndcet NOBTH CAROLINA. North Carolina is generally mountainous in its geographical department, and on the map which I perused as a student the State was of a dark-blue color. Greatlv to my surprise, however, on arriving here I found North Carolina to be red. The soil, such as it is, has the same roseate hue as the adult brick of commerce, and continues in that condition constantly. The farms generally are not large in sice, and arc divided into three classes—viz., the Mansard farm, the Gothic farm, and the Dormer farm. A good Gothic farm, near town, will bring from £5 to £25 per acre, including large wall-pockets to bold farming implements a! night, so that they will not drop out of the Gothic farms into the Dormer farms below.

1 do not say that these mountain farms arc steep. I simply state that the waterreadily runs off when applied to them. Tobacco is the great staple here. It is mostly of the smoking variety, though on the bottomlands a very hardy dwarf plug tobacco grows easily, and daring a long season planters may readily grow the large plug tobacco. It is rare sight to pass along the country road and see the navy plug tobacco of North rising to its full height in the glorious autumn sun, while through the waring boughs the nut-brown or seal-brown plug tobacco of trade, with its glittering little tin tag near the stem, may be readily 'distinguished, Fine-cut tobacco also grows here to a great height. Everytbingthat goes tomake life worth living may be found in the wildest profusion. Whisky is so plenty here that intemperance is not a mark of distinction. Corn whisky, whether made beneath the broad glare of the noonday sun or by the moonlight process, is within the reach of all. It is so plenty that I do not care for it, and I know that an lowa man could put in a winter here that would be memorable throughout his life.

I am pleased to state that there baa not been a circular printed or sent out from here during the past ten years that did not state in the most emphatic terms that this is a very healthy country. People who hare enjoyed good health while here have gone North in several instances, only to return in a deceased condition, from drowning or some other miasmatic influence.

When 1 first came here I was dissatisfied. I yearned for something that I did not find. Itjras not scenery or climate, for each of these was a common occurrence; but 1 soon got acquainted, and in leas than two weeks I bad been addressed two times as “ Colonel.” I now enjoy the South very much. Fruits of all kinds grow here, and are used for eating purposes almost exclusively. The apple, the peach, the Hubbard squash, the grape, the octoroon, the quince, the pecan, the persimmon, and the opossum grow here. Figs do not mature in this latitude.

This is a great country for lung diseases. People with fractional lungs come here from every quarter of the globe. TJiere are so many people here with lung diseases that a man who is simply bald-headed does not at once obtain recognition.

The water is very good for drinking purposes, and I have always heard it highly spoken of.

The weather is sometimes variable, and then again for a little while it will be very uniform. One day you will see me playing lawn-tennis in a jaunty suit of flannel, which shows to great advantage my easy movements and heaving chest, and on the following day yon may find me piled atonnd a zed-hot stove, waiting till the clouds roll by. But it is said to be good for lung troubles, and many people who came here years ago to die have been reprieved and relieved. There is no question about that Bat you will find that the booses built here for rent or sale are made to admit the bulk of God's free air, and no questions asked. If yon want to see a robust climate come in under the floor and lash the carpet into angry billows a foot high, come here and hire a perforated honse. Yours in good faith. Colonel Bill Nte,

There was a Difference,—“ Do you see that man who has just got on the car?" asked a tram car driver on the Collins-street line recently.

“ Yes," answered the reporter. “ What about him ?"

‘‘ Well, he attempted to play a sharp game on me this morning. He is a lay preacher and is quite popular with the sisters of his flock. A female member of his church got on my car and paid her fare, her destination being Fitzroy. When I reached Brunswickstreet this lay preacher bailed me, boarded the car and, recognising his “ sister,” prevailed on her to get off the car and walk the rest of the distance to her home, thinking that be could ride in her place without paying additional fare. She complied and her brother sat down. Pro* ceeding about half a square, 1 asked him for bis fare, but no attention was paid to it. A little farther on I stopped the car and again demanded his fare. He demurred, saying he didn’t see what difference it made to ride in his sister’s place without paying additional fare. I soon convinced him that there was a difference, and threatened to put him off, when he paid hit fare. He’s a slick one." A Grinding Monopoly;. matches f" she asked, at he weighed out the sugar. “ Only a penny a box, ma’am." “ How many in a box T" “ Three hundred,” “ Dear me, but how they do tuck it on to poor folks! However, I suppose you'll allow a half penny on every empty box returned. Immigrant, newly arrived at Castle Garden, to bystander—" Ha’ ye ony terbac’ f" Receiving no reply, be appeals to thecrowd — ll Ha’ ony on ye ony on ye f ”

Walking (Janes—There are man/ kind* of wood from which canes are made, and much of it is imported. China famishes a large quantity, the favorites being the wbanghe, penang, light and black bamboo, and jam* boree. - The whangbm is celebrated for its regular joints, in the shape of bulging rings. They begin close to the hand and grow smaller and closer together to the end. It was in large demand a year ago, but is rarely called for now. Malacca comes from Sumatra principally, though some is brought from China. It is a climbing palm tree, and comes both in light and dark colors. In the genuine stick holes run through it, and smoke can be drawn through the holy of the wood. Bat* tan canes are made from the scraps of malaccn, and are exceedingly cheap. These make what are termed “ warm weather" canes. In the genuine full-sised malacca there is a slight ndge upon one side, running its entire length and making it uneven to the touch. Where the joints are not far enough apart to make a cane of proper length, they are made smaller and smooth so that the joints and ridge cannot be seen or felt. Imagination and Sickness Two young girls were at dinner at their home in Marseilles, 'when they were told that a special friend of theirs had died the previous night, of cholera. At once they became very nervous, and left the table precepitately, ordered a cab, and told the driver to take them as fast as possible to the town at Aix, some distance from Marseilles. When the cab got outside the city,the coachman looked through the window to ask the addrem of the place to which he was to fgo. He saw one of the girls in convulsions and the other utterly unconscious. In his turn, the driver got frightened, abandoned the cab, and ran ab >ut like a madman. When the police, who were sent for, arrived and opened the cab, they found one girl dead and the other dying, A little way up the road they found the coachman lying on his face dead.