Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2058, 22 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

The Tadpole m-\ They were a couple "I jolly. ' '"d : 1 looking citizens, and when tie \ ; a Collins street car the other neon. /. -at down and pulled out a noli-book and i 1 1 each, in the manner of sc.ri'ki' |' -i- a football game, the other pass.-ug.-p- o cat ' 1 them with some curiosity. At the next corner a fashionably dr---'"! lady gut in and took asi at opp .s.i. . I■ !* gentlemen walebed her t-oveilly an 1 taller of (be two said gleefully to Ins r ;apan ion: “ Six—that's one for me." “ Only five," protested tlio olb r. '• Well, it's one for in-, any way." sail tin’ first speaker, making a mark in ins h< op. I’retty soon another lady got in ami v, as seated. '• Three," said the shot hj r man. eagerly. “Well I dunlin,” said the tall man, reluctantly. “ I'll let you have it though." Another lady entered. " Nine,cried the tail man, making another mark in his hook. " Nothing of (he kind," pio*esti d the spoil citizen. " Only three—three and .ahull anyway." •‘Oh. nonsense. 1" said tie- ot-her. '■ I entitled nine distinct violations. No rhi tiling. you know. " I won’t he counti d out, ' said the sle it, man. “ Von arc trying to go behind the returns. “ We'll have to have «n umpire." said, the tall man, with a chuckle. “We ll leave it. to this gentleman here," turning to a man in the corner. " What’s thequestion "’asked the stranger, affably, while the whole car, including the. conductor, listened eagerly for an explanation of the matter. “ Well, yon see," explained the (all man, “ 1 bet my friend a champagne lunch that every woman when sin- sits down - es|H*cially since thorc big husths came in —wiggles.” “ /'ewe distinct wiggles," |>ul in the short man, solemnly. “ Exactly. 1 contend that they not only sit sideways, so as to give tle-ir hustles mote room, hut they wiggle an average of at, least (our times in getting seated. We are going out to the end of the road to lest tin; matter. Now you be umpire and stand in on the breakfast, eh?” “ I'll do it," slid (lie man in the corner. “Look sharp—here’s another getting in !” " Don't, give it away." said the tall man, with a wink at the other passengers. who seemed to enjoy the situation greatly, the newcomer looking somewhat surpi i»ed by the idiotically unconscious look and badly concealed grin that greeted le-r entrance. She went through the uoial formula. ‘‘ Five," said the tall man. " Judgment sai 1 the tall man. “ Three.” snapped lie- shot! man. I’m afraid it's short fotir,"safd the corner man, judicially. " I shall have to decide this round a draw. Another lady signalled the car, who must have left her trunks empty at home, andi xhihit ing ,a rear eleval ion of ninety-six miner’s inches. “ Fifteen I" said the tall man.delightedly, “ought to count me two." Toe short man groaned. Hut. why harrow the souls of our readers with the details of this exciting episode of wild life in the Victorian metropolis, Huflice it that the whole passenger-list saw lieexperiment through, and when the teiminns was reached the anti-wiggle man ha I I. si 'by a score of forty-one to six. which goes to prove that at, least the female half of our species is cvoluted from Darwin’s t;x-lt>< alter all.

The Biggest t 001.

The superintendent of the Aikanov.v Aii-linc. while sitting in his office, suddenly became, aware (hat lie was not alone. Cooking around he beheld a smiling face ami an outstretched hand. "This is Major Plumb, I believe said the visitor. *• Ves, sir." " Well, major, yon do not know me person* ally, but of course yon know me by reputation. I am .1. llarkney fluid, editor and proprietor of the IVpperville .fm'i/i, theinost widely-circulated weekly paper in the State.” "I have never seen a copy of your paper.” the major replied. Why. my dear sir, I send yon a copy every work ; but perhaps eome one slips m and steals it.” '• 1 don't know about that.” 11 1 wish you would make impilry. maior. as 1 don't want any one to ii.b y..u ~f the pleasure of reading my journal." ■■ Thank you.” “ Oh. not at all I a-'iire you, fly the wav, 1 gave y,,n a notice last week. Wish you had seen it. (Keeling in his p-iek-”-). Thought I had a copy with me but 1 haven't. I'elKrs at the hotel robbed me. 1 >e>t notice you ever saw. Called yon the eland liieli-priesl of southern railroads. It will make other railroad men mad. but I don't rare for that. l!y the way. major, 1 came to town on a visit. My wife and children wanted b> come with me, hut the fact is I haven't the money to bring them. Now I'll led you what 1 want yon to do. (lire me a pass for live from IVpperville to this place and return and when I go home I’ll send you a dozen copies of my paper containing that notice.” The superintendent gazed at his vi-it m, and feeling that lie was unable to express bis contempt, mockingly replied : "It. will give me great pleasure to accommodate yon. I recognize in you a man of great worth, and I shall be delighted l . serve yon. I hope that your (tip will be enjoyable.” " Thank you, sir. thank von kin II; .” “ 1!;. the way, have yon selected a place where mn dtsiie to step while in to a n . ’ "No! sir.” " Well. then, siippos; ynl ami \oui family go to Ihe best legal and [nit up :n my " 1 t'li’l like to impo-e on \i. 1 "N > impo-ili. n. I as...ire v.ui. I m ii, and it dor- me 1 t > a--i-t my ft lends. I'd write out the pa-.'.” He 'dibble 1 with n pencil, folded up a piece of payer, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and as lie hamie I it to Hie visitor remarked : “ Vo-.I needn't open this, bnljust give it to the e inductor. Hy the way, let me write you an order on the hotel.'' Again he s.-r.bbled on a pie.*,; of paper and •sealed it in an envelope. "Now. my vicar sir, yon ,\re fixed.” ” fen thousand thank'.” •• Not at all, I a-suie v..u. Must voii go f Well. goo.Moe,” Mr. K litor joyoioly descended llm stairs. I’ll -eewhal there envelopes coat.on. he. mused. The first note contained these wools: " The healer of this is the ieggisi tool f ever saw. .I.l'lnmb.” The oth.t real: Hoard this fool as long as he pays t o it.” This was also signed. The editor smiled, (hen going to a Imtel 1m era-ed a.l but the signatures, and substituted words of his.ovn. About three weeks later, while the major was looking over the conductors' reports, by found a pass signed by himself, wind* m*' l ' l as follows; . . i ■ " t'ms the lb n. J. llarkney l-oid "tul six. from IVpperville to this city and return” dust (hen a bill eoilector entered. •• I don't owe vonr hotel a cent, said the major when he looked at the bill ; then the collector handed himthefollowmgorder ; " I’leasi) charge the board of the Hon. llarkney lioid and family to me,— .l. numb.” When the major had settled the lull h*. turned to his desk and wrote the following > '• L am. the biggest twl I ever saw,"