Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2053, 8 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Carl Dander Gets a Chestnut Bell

“ Well, what is it now ?’’ queried Sergeant Bcndal at the Woodbridgc-street station yesterday as the old man Dunder slipped soitiy

in. „ “ Vbcll, I like (o have yon gaze on me. ‘•Certainly. You’ve got a black-rye. a puffed-up nose and other proofs of being knocked down by a five-story building. ‘‘My frendt, you vhas «rone. Do you know vhas dis article vhas ?*’ ‘■ldo. Those arc the remains of a ‘chestnut’hell."

“Sh ust so sergeant. Shake comes tome der odder day and says ; ‘Fadder, yon must pet some sliestnut hell, nnd pm on your west. Eaferybody who vas sharp lias a shcstiuit bell, und vhen somebody says it vhas hot day he rings dot hell und vhalk« off.’ ' hell. Shake has one, nnd all der boys haf one und so I buys me a shestnut hell." 11 1 begin to see.” “ I practice awhile mil der ohlt womans. If she says it vhas hot or cold, or if she vbants money or calls me to get some coal, 1 rings dot bell on her. By und by I goes up to der City Hall to sec if my taxes vhas due. I meet a man who says be likes to take a drink with me und I rings dot boll on him. “ It was a good joke." “Vhell, I dunuo. If somepody rails you names und knocks you down vhas dot a shoke? He broke my liendt und my sliestnut hell nnd I doan"gel oudt for three days. Say, sergeant." “ Yes."

“ 1 goes home to ring dot hell on my s n Shake. 1 vhas going to feed him slie.-tnuis until be doan’ shoke me any more for twenty years, hut be vhas gone. Somepo ly lobl him how I came oudt tnit dot stranger und he doan’like to sec me. Maybe you see him. It you do tell him to come home, lell him we let chestnuts go und begin all oafer again.

“My dear,” said Mr?, Smith of Ashland, thoughtfully, “this is a very uncertain sort of a campaign, isn’t it “ Well—ahem I—l don't know," yawnrd her husband, who didn’t seen,, somehow, to want anything but water for breakfast. “It must be, dear,” continued ins biller half, “and the voters must be awfully in doubt about the candidate?, as it neulsso much ratifying to eouviuc" them the nominees arc all right. Now 11*,*. i\. s three times you had to stay over in the.-ity to ratify Mr, Morrow, and iwicc y.m’ve mis-oi the last, boat ratifying Mr. I’iarson. and to-night y u

•' precisely—exactly. - ’ sai l Mr. S.. Him.’ down la Mud the newspanir. ■li s tie quceiesl —most mixed-up eempaien y u evei saw. Fairly wcais a man --'it. 1 al.y th’nk. ImwrtiT. after wv’v- r.il.ilbd -en nu-n about once more each, ail i uiul. tlvy II manage to snnec/.i‘ in s mich. w. ) "u ufi du t sit up for melius evening. Maria. If- ! 1--. there’s the whistle.” and tin haid-wori; I parly man skipped Mi rii" ir.i’ii. s'chin-' deeply over the dillluilti' s i f tie s.I ..allot..

Can you oblige n.ewitha shihin..’ -.-ii a cadaver-ius-l--ikingiivliviibial. up| r i u; a visitor in l-eciuiig the other -lav. “Want to get a drink .’’ 'a-krd lb- l; n' man. faeetiou-ly. -No sir —nor shm ■tiling to eai. eilbc,." said the tramp, “at'houjh 1 bavi n't had a mouthful for twodays. 1 only want to g. t over to Melbourne." “Well, here’s a penny” said the goti'Vman. “ Best I can do for yon." “All right,” said the vagrant sadly. ■■ J suppose there’s a chemist’s shop here s - where." “ What do vou want with a eh-mi-t ■

shop ?" “I can at least buy a peiit.vuoiih if arsenic. I’m bound to gel out c., ,

JUDHC/ieiC, The appropriation ivih inri.:e

“How does this natural ya- e hik," ! ashed of the bald-headed man in the s at i

front of him. It collects in cavities in the cailii," wa« the reply. “ How long will i* last ?’’ “ Until the supply in the pockol or cavi'y is used up. Then all imssuiv will ion'.

Ami tin' \u li wen l be good Cm mullin' ?” Chats a built it." •• Thanks. A nayhui o' mine hasg.,( a "as well, ami has ordered pine hats. silk ‘a»'u ami Waierbiiry watches be the if ./.ell, an 1 he’s so .Stuck up tliat lie won t ev.-n ImiMiv my line ane more. 1 m pane to wait for that cavity to |nin.-!'. out ami bis well to peter, ami t'.'.ef. mv I.nil fan.’lj will sit oa the fence an ‘ pm: as la goes by." "Yes. the Lord has sortu- seemed t-> smile on me this year.’ 1 said the Deacon, as be,'tins the i‘oin on It t r into the fence. “A big apple crop—heaps of ’talers —line yield of wheat ami oafs- big hay crop, and corn A No. I. Yes. I feel as if I had b.'eu blessed." Just then the Deacon’s boy came from the hoiiso.and whispered something in the old man’s ear.

Ten shillings for a pair of shoes 1" shouted the Deacon, as he tais-d his head, “ Tou tell your imthersbe can't Imvcnoien shilling shoes. We’il he lucky if we gel through the coming winter without having to sell the bosses to buy meat and liour.’’ “ I vhas insulted to my face shust now exclaimed Moms, as he walked up and down in front of his clothing store in an excited manner. “ Mow —by whom ?" •‘ lbs place beside nee alias for rent,a> you see. A stranger comes along und looks it o.afer, ami .1- n he comes oop to me und sa ■■ •

•Moses, viuis you insured V •Yes.' * For how much One thousand dollar.’ He looks into dor shtoie und backs omit aeam ami says : •■■Cm Id-1 settles me. 1 rent dis place next door to keep a shtoek of asbestos. ’’’

Before Willies young cousin Ikni.a arrived nt lo> home with her parent-;, on a summer visit, hi:.; mother ha i toll tom to to observe how giaceful an ) polite tier manners wore, especially a; table. When she came Willie observed le t, tlieieb'R, with admiring interest, (tae day bistnol her said: “I'o you see ho'.v nivly Bertha eonduets herself, Willie?’ '• \es. mamnia,'' and 1 guess 1 know why.’’ •• Why i> it my dear?" *■ Probably bertha lias been belter brought up than 1 have."

• Ah. old fellow. ’ sai d a gentlemen meeting another in the stiet, " so you are married at last. Allow me to congratulate you. for 1 hear you have an excellent and accomplished wife." " 1 have, indeed," was the reply, " she is so. Accomplished! why, sir, she is perfectly at home in literature, at home in music, at home in art, at home itt science—in short, at home everywhere, except" " Except what!" " Except at home."

Little Willie prayed I"Mir am! ineffectually for a little brother. At last he gave it up as “no use." Soon after his mother had the pleasure of show-in;,' him twin babies. He looked at them a moment and then exclaimed, “ How lucky it was that 1 stopped praying. There might have beeu three."

“ And how is your husband to-day, Mrs. Carmichael 7" ipiericil the minister on his rounds of the wife of one of his parishonem. “ Well, pair Jack, he’s no sae wtcl the day. Yc see, he’s a tayribble martyr to delirium triramins—somethin,; the same as rheumatism !”