DUNEDIN LETTER.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XLIV, Issue 5970, 17 August 1912, Page 3

DUNEDIN LETTER.

'- : . (Own Correspondent.) *" i Did you see, and read, a letter, or l " ' rather two letters, in last Saturday's i- livening Illuminator ? (page 8). If * not, please procure a copy (it will V ' cost you a penny unless the local ' c i butcher has not yet desecrated his 1,3 copy with somebody's Sunday dinner, l ' in which case you may get it cheaper), L j" out out the correspondence which heads the third column, paste it on J " cardboard, frame it and name it 10 what you will. There is no lack of * appropriate titles or epithets. You ' may, call it " .Nerve," '' Colossul 0 cheek," ' A Bluff that Failed," " A Royal Snub," " Dignity and mipud--11 ence," and so on. Of the genuineness . e of the letters there is no doubt. 1 Both answer and request appear in !<) the despatches from the Secretary of ,", Slate for the Colonies to the Governor of Mew Zealand and one does not know whether to laugh or to cry over the sheer, unmitigated audacity ~ of the business. Let me explain for the benefit of . the benighted. There are, as J have said, two letters. The first is dated " Duraedin, July 19, 1911," and is from a gentleman named G. B. Nicholls, who heads it " -United Temperance 'Reform Council, 14 Empire Buildings, Princes Street," and the . second is from Downing Street, September, 1911, is signed by " L. HarL, court," the Colonial Secretary, a nd is written on behalf o,f and conveys a ~ message or intimation from His Ma--1 jesty the King ! So, what do you , think of that, my dog, and what do s you think of me ? ' , Now, I am aware that it is neither I a crime nor a misdemeanor to write . a letter to the King provided it is . written in respectful and courteous . terms. I also know that ther e is very , high authority for the statement that . a cat may look at a King but I am , strongly convinced that no one but . a fool would expect to catch His Maf jesty by such a palpable and unblushing " try on" -as that of -Mr G. B. Nicholls, while as for the cat, well, . every sensiblo animal would infinitely . prefer to look at (and catch) a mouse | than blink at a 'King. What Mr , G. B. Nicholls after wa~ the s gratis presentation of tho most for- ;, midable weapon it was possible to ,• obtain wherewith to injure a national . industry a nd a largo section of his > Majesty's loval subjects. Did the in- , genuous and ingenious Mr G. It. ■ Nicholls think for a moment that the [ Kini; is that sort of man ? What the wily total prohibition advocate wrote and asked, quietly and on the sly bo to speak, is as Sol- ■ lows (I translate the- original for the I benefit of the meanest capacity) : "Your Imperial Majesty,— - i We have got an election conning r-n in this Dominion in a month or twq when we shall at the same, time decide the question of Beer or No Beer, ; Grog or No Grog, and I, as the groggiest no grogger of them all. dearly . want to bowl the other fellows out. , So, 1 thought that you and 1 would ; fix it up between us. I am not telli ingi anyone what I am doing and i when your answer comes I will keep i it till within two or three days of tho poll, then, engage a fu'l sheet in i all the dailies and imsert you > gracious , communication as an '' ad " at contract rates (we have to pav a stilt price these times but even the smallest—ahem I). Need I sa-, Hi ' this , will come as a regular bomb-heM tu.'.l will be telegraphed far and wide across the globe-to \lpur Majesty's own honi our and glory. What I purpose to say is as follows : Message from the King, His Majesty Donounces the Liquor Party. Wishes His Temperance Friends Every Success. The esteemed and indefatigable, sec. rotary of the United Temperance Reform Council of New Zealand has received ' the following soul stirring reply from His Most Gracious Majesty, King George V., in' answer to a letter that was-sent to him by Mr 0. 1 B. Nicholls on July 19th, 11)11. (Your Majesty's reply will he here inserted.) . I make bold to assure Your Majesty 1 that if I can but procure the reply I anticipate every liquor seller in the Dominion will -be gnashing his teeth and in a few years' time not a living soul will be. able to buy, sell, make, import, or drink a of beer or nip of grog in this the most loyal and modest of your oversea States." Kno\viu(!j what we now know we. do net wonder that Mr G. B. Nicholls nover whispered a word ot his anticipated coup, a coup that the veriest dolt, the iijost imbecile of intellects, and the most fatuous of human asses, could have told him was certain to end in one way only. Mr G. B. Nicholls had a poor opinion of the nvn who road most of the King's correspondence, and an impertinent estimate j of His Majesty's own capacity, it he , expected any answer other than he got. Was there ever a more insolent ' request ? I am not arguing whether , bcor or wino is good or bad, -but bn- ' agine an intelligent person ;o far forgetting himself vs to think to trap \ his King into becoming a vulgar poli- '. tieal partisan at election time ? One \ does not look for, nor find, a very cx- '. allad sense of honour or decency ' among one-idcad cranks (male arjd fe- , male) but one almost despairs of the race when- ono finds them so much in ', evidence and not seldom in responsible ~ positions. ! H may surprise Mr G. B. Nicholls , to learn that his attempted scoop, or coup, was tried once before and failed. It was forty years ago when the Prince of Wales, afterwards King Edward VII., promised to preside ,-tt a dinner held under the anspic••< of some philanthropic) society maintained bv the Licensed- Victuallers. At once the G. B. Ntcholls of that day were on their chairs waving their hands and volubly protesting, in fact they cars ried their objections to such an extreme that when the Prince of Wales e attended the dinner and .took the e chair (as ho did) he significantly said i- " I think the objections went a littlo :- too far." When the cheer; that greet- » ed this had subsided Lord George ic Hamilton rose and told 0 little story. •- He said that when the Prince after i- many, many anxious days and nights r took a turn for the better and had ,e safely passed death's door the first words he spoke to his waiting nurse were : " I should like a glass of beer." The story evoked tremendous cheer- „ ing which was again and again re- ■■. rawed when Lord George added '''and he had it too." = Like father like son ; each a most temperate and careful liver, each in a most responsible position, each beset K and pestered by impertinent cranks . and each a'bl e to administer a well de--1 served snub. The father said "\ think '*» that is going a little too far," and ;" the son returns the letter. It is epiu sodes of this character iso grossly, °"_ irritatingly ignorant as they are of ' * all propriety, respect, and common ' sense, so detestable in- their assumptions ol arrogant superiority, that m make one careful lest one forgets one--1 ' self and answers back. I have a small grievance of 'a similar kind on imy own account. After a , * week i n bed recently I, also, asked . ' for a glass of beer. There was none in the house, and the grocers could _ not help jus as they have had she , bottle license taken from them by the G. B. Nicholls combination. Even had I wished, it was, in my judge- ment, not proper to ask anyone to is go to an'hotel for mP. So I went without (I presume some ignoramus

will say "and were all the ! .better for doing so "'), jand laid in bed calling certain people bad names. Lovely arrangement, isn't it? Either go to an hotel and pay 3d extr a a s well, or go without! In the end I mad to buy a dozen ibottles which I did not -wßut) from the wholesale merchant. And yet there are thousands who have the temerity to defend this disreputable kind of business ! A month or so ago an expert navy man received a commission to write some articles on a subject with which "he is familiar for a leading weekly. Looking up the Nautical Almanack to freshen his monjorv he discovered that Gisborao -was the onlv port in the Dominion that had not n night signalman. As he wanted to better himself ho wrote to tho , Harbour Board of that port offering his I services. He received a reply regretting that there was no opening for his particular work. The next day, or night, the Star of Canada was in diflieulties off Gisborne. The officers signalled for hsjp but no one in tlie port could read what this meant. Then followed .lonne criticism in the Press and talk.of negligence, oversight,/&c, &c, in not having a competent man. Down came an "urgent" wire to my acquaintance, " Could he, would ho, &c, &c. ? reply urgent." " Yes he could and he would, &c, kc. (all this, •mark you, the day after the formal letter regretting thei-e was no opening, &e., (&c. So matters were (wed up ard he came in yesterday to say " Good-bye—ofl t 0 Gisborne on Friday." " And could anything have bee,-, done had y-m been there ?" I asked. "Well, possibly, as they (the olliecrs) could have told ns exactly what to send to their assistance and where to make for." The incident struck mo as being worth taking a note of. It sometimes needs a coiriciderxe of this sort to put us on the right track.