PERKY NOTES AND PAPILLOTES.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXXIV, Issue 4900, 16 October 1901, Page 3

PERKY NOTES AND PAPILLOTES.

[By T. Whister.] Greater JSew Zealand 2 O ! the magniloquence of modern journalese ! This is the pranclJose name given £0 a few score of little islets dotted over tbe Pacific like freckles on old Ocean's face. We do like to talk big. But " mounting ambition o'er leaps itself and falls on tbo other side." For if thefe be " Greater New Zealand " how small must "Great New Zealand" be! As well might the late lamented William Shakespeare in the " spacious times of great Elizabeth " have mouthed of the Scilly Isles as " Greater Britain " And then he wouldn't havG been sillier than the journalist in a sweat after a sensational expression who calls the Cook Islands " Greater New Zealand."

And then, again, the absorption of these isles of Lilliput is called the " expansion of New Zealand " and the " inception of an Imperial policy." The grave and reverend signiorß in Parliament solemnly discourse on the danger of world-wide complications consequent on obe en trance of New Zealand upon the field of international competition, Maoriland at present poses like a huge octopus floating on the surface of the Pacific with one tentacle grasping the Cook Islands and the leprosiacal Penrhyn, another hovering over New Caledonia, a third menacing the Commonwealth with retaliation for the latter'a tariff tricks, a fourth exploring out towards South America, and tbe rest preparing for a wholesale absorption of the Antarctic Continent with all its glaciers, icebergs, volcanoes, whales, penguins, and numerous other scenic and scientific advantages. Oh! if we can only get the Northern Hemisphere to lend us enough money we'll carry the flag of the Empire to the Equator on tbe one side and to the South Pole on the other* •• Gome,.the four corners of the world in arms and we shall ' shock 'em.' "

Scene in a S.M. Court of the future. Magistrate on the Bench smoking a long churchwarden. Clerk, ditto, with a briar root. Lawyers puffing strong cigars. Lady reporter gracefully poising a dainty cigarette. Enter a fine large policeman carrying a black outty in his mouth and a small boy in his band, both of which he deposits in the dock. Magistrate, laying down his pipe : " What is the charge against the prisoner P " " Plaze yer 'onner, Oi sthruck him in

the strata a follerin' Miss Fono there, yer 'onner, and pickin' up the chigarette she dropped. Oi dodged him roand the fioruer, an 1 there he was as bowlcl as brass ana sohraokin' loike ould Nick." " What's his age ? Is he 1 under 17 P " " Well, yer 'onner, Oi Bhud say he was nearer eivin than sivinteen. Divil a sipn ay a whishker has he." " What's your name, boy ? " 41 Johnny Smoker, sir." "Eh ! what ! A really shocking case of hereditary crime ! Any previous convictions P " •* On 25th December caught smoking a cigar butt. Fined ss. On Janaary Ist-, surreptitiously purloined bis father's pipe. Observed smoking it. Fined 10s." " Ah ! bad case ! bad case ! I feel myself compelled to make an exomple of the accused. This juvenile depravity is really becoming too common. I order him twelve strokes with a birch rod at the hands of the public flngellator. The Court in now adjourned." All resume the interrupted futnigatory oxeroiso, and exeunt. * * * # Seeing that trade unions have become such a power in this country their opponents are dreadfully anxious to prove how atrociously tyrannical their rule is. One source of resentment is their adoption of the term " worker." It is contended that all of us are " workers " more or less, the capitalist and the professional man just as much as the manual laborer and the artisan. On the surface this seems incontestable. But there's another way of looking at) iO, If we extend the definition of the term " worker " ao far as to include all those who use brain in preference to brawn, we must take in as well all the parasites that prey on society, the swindler, the cardsharper, the trickster, the spieler, even the commonest loafer who prowls about a pub using his brains to get a beer. In fact-, it may be shown that the whole development of our boasted civilisation is but the operation of a constant struggle on the part of human beings to avoid physical labor. And biologists prove that the nervous system and the brain, with their manifold currents of /eeiing and intellect, have evolved in accordance with this general law of the avoidance, if possible, of muscular aeion. We keep preaching the gospel of work, and at the same time keep doing all we can to further invent and improve labor-saving machines. I We keep striving and scheming and working with our brains just to avoid working with our bodies. And yet we J load with our bitterest scorn and contempt the perambulating tramp and loafer who is looking for work and hoping he won't find it. The poor fellow is only the individual who typifies and epitomises the whole race. After which profound philosophical disquisition mefchinks I had better turn to and chop the morning's wood lesb I get befogged in metaphysical mist.