Humurous

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1869, 6 February 1892, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humurous

Literal Englishs, A woman went into a Fitzroy chemist's shop to have a prescription made up. The druggist compounded the drugs and as be banded the bottle to the customer he said, pleasantly: " Here's your prescription* ma'am — Bhakel" v '.'l'll do nothing of the kind," snapped tbe woman, •' and I think you've a good deal of impudence to ask me to." '• You don't understand," exclaimed tbe druggist; " I mean that when you take tbe prescription, you must Bhake," "I won't take the prescription if its going to make me shake"," objected the customer. •' Good heavens, woman, it's tbe bottle you are to shake," Bbrifcfced the druggist. " What good will it do me ?" queried tha woman. '• He means, madarae," said the druggist's assistant coming to the rescue, "that the mixture in the bottle should oe well shaken before taktn." " Well, couldn't he bava said so ?" asked the wrathful customer as she looked a farewell suspicion at the unfortunate druggist.; He was upstairs rummaging around looking for a clean shirt when he heard his wife screnm. " Come down stairs quick." sbt yelled. ' "Well, wait till I get a shirt," he yelled back. " I can't find one high or low. Where in thunder are they V '' Oh. John, John," she wailed, "let the shirt go, and come down here quick, the baby's swallowed a collar button." " Confound that baby," he growied, throwing a coat around bis shoulders. " J wonder if the shirt's gone with the colla button." The baby was all right when he got down staiis and his wife nearly had a fit when be asked her if the shirt had gone with the collar button. Fashion Tip.— A tip for the summer girlMen's coat sleeves are worn around tbt waist on a ramble in the woods, and around the neck on the balcuny in the dark. Dramatic Agent: •■ Yes, sir, I'm tha advance agent of • Held foi Trial 1 the great sensational drama, with a safe burglary in it Guess you've heard of it. Got a regular cracksman in the company too, you know ; just out of the penitentiary, and he opens a safe on the stage. Great success. Crowded houses everywhere. You'll be around to see the performance, won't you?" Country Editor (sadly) : " I'm not inter, ested in safes." Properly Advertised. —Theatre Manager s " W*nt dates for your company, eh ? What'^ the show about ?" Advance Agent: *• It is an opera company." 11 Opera ? Won't go, I'm 'fraid. What't your best piece ?"' "We have drawn the largest houses with William Tell." " I'm afraid it won't go here, Nobody would come." " I think they would if it was properly advertised." " Well, I'll try it. Jack !" Jack (an assistant): "Yes, sir." •• Rush over to tne newspaper office and tell 'tm to announce that nest week we're goin' to have a new and excitin' musical dramer called • Bill the Shooter.' ~ Took Her for a Dummy. —Mr. Jones came borne the other night and hung his overcoat and hat on what he supposed was the dummy which hia wife keeps to try dresses on. •' Handy arrangement, this, Maria," he said, pleasantly, '•answers for both of us." " I'd like to answer for myself just now if you'll take your hat off," responded the dummy in a muffled voice, and then Mr. Jones uueartbed bis wife's aunt, who bad come to pay them a visit. He expects to lospone thousand pounds on that transaction. Office Boy — •• Please, sir, can't Igo to din« ncr now ?" It's almost an hour past my time and I'm awfully hungry." Employer —''Hungry? Well, I wonder if anybody ever saw such a greedy youngster. Here he has been lapping envelopes and postage stamps all the forenoon, and yet he complains of being hungry," Mr. Figf: " Laura tells me that you were serenading her last night. Mudge : •• Well ?" Mr. Figg: " I just came round to apologize for thiowiog that hair brush at you, You see, I thought it was the dog." A Beal Grievance.—' ll don't know what Smith does with his money." "No?" *' No, I don't. Yesterday he was short and he is short again to day." •• Did he want to borrow from you ?" " No, hang it, I wanted to borrow from him." A Toorak woman, returning from Europe* brought with her a young maid from Portu» gal.' "Are her people Portuguese?' asked a neighbor. " She haß no people. She was a poor, lone Portugosling whenl took her," said the Toorak woman sadly. First Pickpocket: " Bill was down at Geelong the other day." Second Pickpocket: " Did he do any busi* ness?" '• Got his hand into a banker's pocket." •• What luck did he have ?" " Fustrate ; got his hand back." Not a Success as a Dictionary, —Tommy • (m search of information); "Mr. Knowitall, what does 'copyright' you see printed in books mean?" Mr. Knowital: " Ah—ahem. Copyright, my little boy, means—means. Well, you know, cepy is what the writer hands the , printer and copywrite means he had to wiite the copy before they could print it. Now, run away and don't bother." Knew Which End He Waa On.—Captain of athletics (to champion sprinter) : " Now, be sure to be on band to morrow early, and not keep the crowd waiting I" Champion Sprinter—" Don't give me no orders about being on hand, I'm going to be on foot." Now tbat they are making billiard balls, knife handles and such things out of milk* we may safely feel encouraged to hope that they will soon be making cane heads fit and proper for our nice young men to suck. Poor, Patient Woman. Mrs. Wick.wire: «'So the poor little fellow is teething, is he 1 Well, it's hard to say who it is tbe worst on» you or the baby." Mrs. Figg: " I tbink Mr. Figg suffers the moßt annoyance." Mrs. Wickwire : "Youdon't mean to say that he. helps you to take care of the little fellow at night ?" Mrs. Figg: " No, indeed, But he thinks it is bis duty to lie awake and swear while I am walking the floor." Mr. W. : " The idea of a man coming to the theatre in such an intoxicated condition. I'll have the usher remove him." Mrs. W: " Let him alone, John. 1 think he is very considerate. He got all he wanted before be came in, and he will net be likely to annoy people by going out between the acts." Very Plain. Mrs. Binks (angrily): " Cair that an argument? Oh, get out I" Mrs. Winks: " Don't say 'get out' tome." Mrs. Binks: " I address tbe expression not to you but to your arguement, I donot ask you to get out —to get out of the room, or the house, or the town, or the country, or the planet or the universe. Do I make myself plain?" Mrs. Winki: "You coulda't possibly make voune)f »r pteatr tban yon arr,