TROGLODYTE CREEK.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 276, 15 May 1873, Page 3

TROGLODYTE CREEK.

(To the Editor.) Rockhopper House, 7th April. Sir, — The fact of my having at last summoned sufficient courage to again apply pen to paper in the interests of the " T. T.," may be attributed to the causes hereunder mentioned. The first and most important one is the pleasure of once more growling in print, and making my observations on men, things, and manners, in any way which best suits me, without the risk of offending myself or your readers. The next is, from the fact of your country correspondents giving such meagre accounts of the " doings " in their different localities, that one is in a perpetual fever of expectation as to when they are going to enlighten us on the proceedings of the Government magnates, who have been lately " starring " in the up-ccuntry districts. It can scarcely be from want of matter that "your owns" are so remiss; as they must have witnessed with ourselves the many extraordinary and unaccountable transformations that have been, and are, taking place almost every day. You can scarcely conceive the shock one's system is subjected to, by seeing one well-known M.ri.R. travelling in the interests of b-ee-i. Whilst another is sometimes s^en on his fifty-acre poultry run, surrounded by his retainers, mustering his turkeys for the plucking season. Again we have men of standing and ability who, in a fit of remorse! have totally repudiated gas and all its iniquities, and taken to cider selling. The above are merely passing remarks that may possibly interest some of your readers. And now I shall proceed to matters wherein our own district plays an important part. Although Troglodyte Creek stands first, and I might say almost alone in importance, in the north-western portion of Otago ; yet, from its geographical position, it is greatly over-looked by both ! political and commercial circles (by looking carefully through the map of Otago, you may discover its whereabouts), and the inhabitants of the district resolved to endure this state of things no longer ; so ! they arranged on the occasion of the pro- ; mised visit of his Honor the Superintendent, with the Secretary for Land and Works, to interview those gentlemen and induce them to take the necessary steps for bringing the capabilities of the district into greater notoriety. Programme: — On the arrival of his Honor and Sub., a deputation waa to have waited upon the illustrious visitors. (N.B. — If there are any discrepancies between my version and that of " your own," I must inform you that mine ia the only correct one, as "your own" was so "tight" that he could not discriminate between his " specs " and the bootjack ; for he got his nose so jammed in the yoke of that useful implement, that he had to get assistance to cut away the timber before his "beak" could be induced to resume its natural functions. But this is sub rosd.) When His Honor and the deputation had met, the rejoicings and acclamations were tremendous. Whilst, after rubbing noses and slobbering each others '* mugs" in true New Zealand fasyiou, our leading resident. Mr. Kokabulli^ advanced, with a tin tomahawk and a briar root pipe, which he carried, the one in hia mouth lighted and the other advanced, with the blade reversed, while he opened the proceedings in the following words :—: — " His Honor the Superintendent, " Sir, — It is with great and overpowering sensations that I have the honor of addressing you on behalf of the inhabitants of this district. I trust that, although we were formerly opposed to each other in politics and other matters pertaining to the welfare of this place, you will be pleased to take a whiff out of this pipe (here the speaker tendered the dhudeen to his Honor, who took a draw), as it is customary, I believe, with the North American Indians, who, when they change thuir colors (that is their war paint) to those of a peaceful hue, cement their differences through the kaluinetic tube ; and further following the example of the noble savage, I trustfully and sincerely wish that all past animosities and differences shall be buried (here Mr. K. carefully covered the tin tomahawk with a tussock) with this hatchet. (Cheers and loud plaudits, in which his Honor joined, "In bringing before your Honor's notice our few but weighty grievances, we can observe from the kindly twinkle in your eye that yon will be pleased to take them into your serious consideration, and from our being assured of your having indulged in your usual seven tumblers of toddy, we are satisfied that your Honor will do us the justice we so greatly merit. " Your Honor may have observed that from the paucity of police in this district we . wantmore Juaticesof the Peace, as although they seldom honor the Bench with their presence, and when they do they are perfectly useless there, yet in the event of any row or disturbance they would answer admirably for special conatablea — particularly if there was not any fighting to be accomplished. " Without in any way detracting from the merits of those who occupy the Magisterial chairs in this place, I must beg to mention that they have not the necessary ' qualifications for that honor ; although, if looks have anything to do with a knowledge of common law or the J.P.s Act, then am I wrong in my conclusions, for they sit on the Bench with their noses cocked in the air, like pigs under an oak tree waiting for the acorns to fall into their mouths, and they look, and I have no doubt they feel, so oppressively illustrious that they give one the sensation of an unexpected shower-bath in midwinter. At the same time," when they unbend from their grave and severe looks, and attempt a little joke as a refresher, I have known men to shed tears

of anguish from the melancholy effects of their ponderous wit. Your Honor is well aware that all the interests of the province of Otago but that of the miring is well represented in the Magisterial list, and it is but fair that the intelligent miner should share that honor with those persons who have not any greater intellectual capabilities, and who do not represent in a proportionate degree the influence that a mining J. P. would exercise over a large and important producing section of the community. " There is another important matter to which we wish to draw the attention of yonr Honor. Situated as we are at a great distance into the interior of the Middle Island, and the difficulties attendant upon getting our nips pure and unadulterated, at a reasonable rate, are almost insurmountable, we would respectfully place before you Honor the necessity of at once, through your Executive, placing at our disposal the necessary funds for providing a 'still ' for the use of the general community. All the necessary ingredients for ' poteen ' are within our reach, with the exception of malt, which we have no doubt the Secretary for Land and Works will supply ua with in any quantities we may require, j And we shall feel great pleasure in forwarding to your Honor and the Secretary for Land and Works a couple of gallons of each for you own private tipple, which when tasting at home you will at the same time have the pleasure cf knowing that you have in no small degree contributed to the thirsty enjoyments of the inhabitants of Troglodyte Creek. " Thanking your Honor for the kind manner in which you have received this deputation, we trust you will endeavor to carry out the suggestions we have brought under your notice." (Cheers.) Here the band struck up " Drops of Brandy," and the audience joined in singing the folio wiug refrain, written, I bel.eve, by the departed Theodore Hooke: — Three cheers for the Super, and long may he rule us, He never would travel all this way to fool us. For although in performing, he Boniewhat too lax is, He'll not fail to promise whatever you axes. Chorus — Tooraloralido. His Honor in reply to the deputation, after commenting on the necessity that existed for any man holding the important position as head of the province, to give strict attention to any matter of I public interest that was worthy of consideration, no matter how trivial it might at first sight appear,, continue! : — "And now, Mr. Kokabulli and gentlemen, believe me that I have the interests of every section uf the community at heart, and, although there have been conflicts between the various existing interests, both inside and out of the Provincial Council Chambers, I have always preserved my i prerogatives as the head and ruler of that j body, and shall continue to maintain it till the last day I hold that proud position. I say that your interests in my keeping shall be welJ and rigidly looked after. You shall have Justices of the Peace selected from among yourselves, as j well as the cockatoos. There shall be mining as well as commercial, squatting, or tea and sugar J.P.'s. Six feet six is not sufficient polue for your daily use, letting alone the consumption after dark, and the idea of substituting J. P.'s for the milder duties of the constabulary, shall receive our earnest attention. " There is one matter, Mr. Kokabulli and gentlemen, I consider is my duty to mention to you. In your remarks you have omitted referring to that mo3t important item, the " Export Duty on Gold." Having studied the matter deeply, I may say that I have arrived at a solution of that difficulty, which, I have no duuHt, will have the concurrence of all parties interested. You must be aware, gentlemen, that I never by any means promise more than I fulfil ; my greatest detractors will give me credit for so much at least, and you may rely upon my carrying out my intentions, when I tell you that the gold shall come out of your claims already coined, thu3 doing away with, at once and for ever, the vexed question of the export duty on gold. " You' Bhall no longer hare it to charge us with being the cause of your isolation. There shall be an rareial railway between Troglodyte Creek and the North Island. There shall be a suspension bridge from the Old Man Range to the Knobbies ; a j subterranean balloon conveyance to connect you with Dunedin, so that your complaints of a stunted whisky supply shall in future be groundless. I will make your homes and surroundings the centres i of dignified learning and profitable industries. The lion and the lamb shall lie down in peace together. Gardens shall spring up where there are now desexi; wastes, and on all aides shall resound the mua c of a thousand mouths, enjoying the ethereal pasture of sucking oranges. I woke. — Yours, &c, ThEODOSIUS GIUNDERBUTZ. P.S. — T forgot to mention that at the rehearsal of the foregoing performance, the character of the Super, was performed by your humble servant, and that of Sec. jor L. aud VV. by Long Valley Jack. T. G.