SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11505, 29 September 1915, Page 4

SMILE SEED.

"Look here, Moso! 1 thought you were going to bo baptised into tne Baptist Church." " Yaas, sah, 1 is. liut J done been sprinkjpd into tiie 'Piscopal till do summer comes."

TTit! onion prosper*, day by day; It with uv? nudte*; a liit. It Inwdi; no pnnrpf ring or spray, No insect's tackle it. ■ ; Hiram writes that the first week be was in London ho ]o;.t £l*2." "Heavens! Y\ he.t an unhealthy place London must be!"

"You've got to say this much about Bill-he always keeps his word." " Sure, no one will take it."

"Your daughter plays tho piano beautifully." "Do too really think so?" " "n. indeed. Why, ii : I didn't ~ce her fingers hit the keys, I'd swear it was one of these mechanical pianos."

"I seo a man has just been arrested for a crime committed in IS7O. "That kind of new?, makes me nervous." "Why so?" "'When I was a young man 1 played the cornet."

BlondLne: "I wish Pcreival wouldn't wear a fountain pen in lias breast pocket." Brunotta: "Why?" Blondino: "I am continually ginning the point into my ear."

"Wanton, I'd like to have desk work. I'm ur>ed to that." "What are you hore for?" " I'm a forger." " Urn, I have no room on the clerical force.' bfcill, I like to accommodate a man with work at his own particular trade. How w.!ru«l you liko to forge chains im tho blacksmith, shop?"

Rider: '-' Why didn't you sound your horn when you eaw the man in the road?" Driver: "I thought it would be more humane if ho never knew what struck him."

If a man does anything well tie world will beat a path to his door." How about the fellow who raised skunks?"

'.Your wife came from a fine old family, didn't she?" "No; she brought tnem with her."

' Uncle, why did you never marry?" " or ?ftl oun<i a & rl who would have mc. "Uncle, somebody's been foolisg you. Our sex isn't that particu-

*•* First Baldy: "I felt that the new musical comedy would be a success before the curtain was up two minutes." Second Baldy: "I knew it would be a success before the curtain) was up two feet."

••• " w « u - how a & o ut that tittle bill?" But I told you to call at four o'clock, and it is only three now." "I knowit. I wanted to catch you in."

"What is a food expertP" "Any man who can make hi 3 wages buy enough tor the family table."

Hokus: "Flubdub seems to Jiave aj wonderful opinion of his knowledge." Pokus: <-I should say he has. Why, 1 have actually heard him attempt to argue with his son, who is in his first year at college." ' " What profession do you think your %*

youngest boy will follow?" "Well" replied Farmer Corntossel, "judging from the way he likes to play in the dirt, I tbink maybe he'll be one o» these landgrabbers you read so muck about."

. ' There goes Ranter, the actor, poor fellow! He's so deaf that h© couldn't hear a dynamite explosion." "Deaf? What caused it?" "Well, he says it is due to thunders of applause and roars of laughter."

"Sonny," said a father to Ms precocious five-year-old son and heir, "your mother tells me she gives you pennies to be good. Do yon think that 28 right?" "Of course it is," replied the boy. "Tou certainly don't want me to grow up and be good for nothing, do you?"

An Irishman invalided home from the war was asked by one of his r©la- ! tires what struck him most about the I battles he took part in. "What struck ! me most?" said Pat. "Sure, it was ! the large number of bullets flying '' around that didn't hit me."

"Talking about the ironv of fate," said Bloggs, "I have a story that j beata any I've heard. Once " when abroad, when I was nearly down and 1 out, I received a cheque from home fa:- the sum of ten pounds, and the | only man who could identify me was I one to whom I owed more than half."

He was a motorist, and called at a farmhouse for a glass of water, but the farmer's. pretty da iter offered him a glass of milk, instead. " Won't you have another glass?" she asked, as he drained the tumbler. "You are Very good," he said, "but I am afraid 1 shall rob you." " Oh, no. We have so much more than we can use ourselves that we are giving it to the calves all the time."

"Now. boys." said the schoolmaster, " suppose in a family there are five children, and the mother had only four potatoes to divide between them. She wants to give each child an equal share. What is she to do?" Silence reigned in the room. Everybody was calculating diligently. Finally one little boy put up his hand. " Well, what would you do?" asked the teacher. "Mash the potatoes, sir!"

Maud: ""1 don't like to see you throwing yourself at Fred." Elizabeth; "Why not? He's a, good catch."

Meddler: "I say, isn't it extraordinary how muoh the Grim leys know about the Trimley's affairs?" Peddler: "Extraordinary? Grimley bought Trimley's parrot. ;j

" Haven't. I told you." asked the father, "to tell the truth always?" " Yes. you told me that," the young man admitted, "and at another time you told me never to become the slave of a habit."

Miss Gushy (entering a full traracar as Jorkins prepares to rise): "Oh, don't get up—don't get up! Pleaso looqp j'our seat." Jorkini? (Rightly bow Idered): ''Like to oblige you, madam, "but I got out at this street."