FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10683, 1 February 1913, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

" Johnny, what are you doing.? ' Trvin' to'learn the fish in this here rick what they'll git if they bite on iunday." „ , , Mike : " A black-edged envelope! Somebody must be dead. Sure, an' it 11 >o Pat, me brother. Oi cud tell is andwritin' anywhere." ■ , Margaret: il Isn't tliat stranger Catherine: "'What?" Margaret?' ' That many a woman who has bleachid her hair wants to keep it dark." Mrs .J'ustwed: " Robert, just think vhat the neighbours will say when tliey rear tliat Ido my own work!" MrJustwcd: "Whoeo work do you want ' to do?" Bobby: " Tin's sailor must have foeet i bit of an acrobat." Mamma : " Why lear?" Bobby: "Because tho book says.' Having lib his pipe, he sat dowt' >n his* cliest.' " "Have you heard how young Wilkins got shotP".Stevens asked. "Got shot? No!" exclaimed his comaanion. "How did, he get shotP" '' He bought them, of course." , " I don't believe Solomon was as rich as people think," said a small boy to liis teacher. "Why not?" "'Cause it says he.slept with his fathers. If he vas really awfully rich he'd have had a bed of his own." The famous baritone had been giving his concert, and the critic from the country was asked: "How was the timbre of his voice?" " Well," sai<? / the critic, "it/seemed to jne to'bt full of knot-holes." ; "Every man in your office is in love with the typist." " "What of it?" " I wouldn't have that sort of thing going on." "Why should ! object? Not a man has lost a day this year. Noteven football attracts them." Farmer (on one side of the hedge, to bov on the other sid j): "Now, then, my lad, didn't I tell you not to let me catch you here again?" Boy (preparing to run): " All right, don't make afuss. You ain't caught me yet!" •, Irish Magistrate: "'Haven't you been before me before?" Astute -Prisoner: " No, yer Honor, I never saw bu£ one face that looked lik-e yours, an' that was a photograph of an Irish king." -Magistrate: " Discharged ! Call the next case." The Professor (with the telescope—t penny a peep): "You are now gazing sir, on that wonderful planet, Saturn. - ' Cyclist: "And what is the broad, belt , running round it?" The Professor (rising to the occasion): " Tliat, sir, is the racing-track of the Saturn Cycling Club." . . "Er—-er—some of the facetious gentlemen in the congregation," says the minister, as the deacons prepare to take up the collection, "have been in the habit of dropping buttons into the plate. Might I suggest that, in view of a recent arrival at. the parsonage, they substitute safety pins for the time being?" . / . She was only sixteen stone and threes quarters, so that when she trod on a - banana-skin she subsided' very gently, A polite shopkeeper came out to assisi her to rise from a box of his best newlaid eggs.. " Oh, Ido hope I have not. broken them!" she cried. , "Not,at. all, madam," .said the polite one;'- " thoy are only bent." . P: A' sailor.[inio'fflt. -landed after d' long voyage and. having been paiid off, called a cab, threw his luggage inside, and jumped 6n top himself. "Beg pardon, sir,"-said the astonished cabman. ''but you should get inside and put your boxes oil top." " Steer the craft ahead, jaryey. Passengers always/ go on deck and luggage in the hold," was the reply from the top. It was in a big cotton manufacturing town in Lancashire, where a revival service had been held. At the. close the minister called upon all those . .who wished, to go. to Heaven to stand ' up. All rose to their feet with the excep*'on of one-young man. " Don't , you ■ .-it to go to Heaven, my friend?'' -: asked the preacher. "Oh, aye, 1 want to go right enough,'' the young fellov, replied," but not wi"t' trip." A lady who witnessed the openings) the first passenger line in, the world—viz.. the old Stockton and Darlington Railway-—on September 27, 1825, is Mrs Jane Bell of Brock House Farm, near Stockton, who will be ninety-three next month. She was nearly seven years of age .at the time. She well remembers, as the engine and carriages •went by, a boy ."exclaiming: ' Look, foyt-her, there's a fleein' blacksmith 3' shop going by !"• ' ■ -

n ASKING FOR IT. a Intrepid Widow: " Speaking of con-. 0 uml ruins, Mr. Slocum, here's S gocu t one. Why is tho letter ,' d' like a * trending ring?" • - \- y /Procrastinating- Bachelor: Oil, l m S no good at conundrums." _ _ •• Why, because 'we'.can't be. wed ! " without it." y■ : r 5 SHE WAS A BREAKER. • f An hotel manager was talking -to a ll reporter about the 'bi'eakages that hap- • pen in hotels. '' An average amount- of breakage s von don't mind/' he said, "but not\; ® and then you happen on a waiter or a e chambermaid whose breakages pass, all p bounds of reason." . i- He then recounted the breakages i- achieved in one. day by n chambermaidif of this stamp. • ~ h " I found out after she lfeft," he addi- ed, " that she wasn't a genuine chamt bermaid at all. She was an elephant s trainer really, but she had been com<s pelled to give up that profession bed cause slie couldn't handle the elephant! without breaking their tusks."' s TURNED THE DEAF EAR. a There was some speculation as to 11 whether the instrument would benefit ® tho old gentleman or not. _ Onb was 1 holding the ear-trunipst while luiothei ® was explaining its use, and showing old ° Mr Borrows how to hold it to his ear. " Say something to him through it, Joe," said one to the other. < Now, Joe had long waited for ah i opportunity to reach Mr Borrows's ear, so, speakiiig very distinctly into the [j trumpet, ho said: c "You're not paid me that sovereign n you ot\'q v me yet, Mr Borrows." _ • •- ' But the old gentleman put the inn strument down, with disappointment on his face, and tlisy could, see it was d a failure, even before he had time to t- say, " Tins thing's not a bit of good t to"me." And he sighed; but his sigh n was not so deep as that which came y from Joe. ;r 1 d GOT HIS OWN BACK, y At a homceopithic convention a doctor told a story about a brother special>r ist ( who is an authority on the stomach, "Blank,'' he said. "was travelling in the Wild and Woolly West, where they arc all great jokers. At a 6 country club a jovial-looking stranger & accosted Blank and said: — k " " Dr Blank. 1 believe?' e "•'Yes, sir; tliank you.' e "'The great Dr Blank?' 1_ " ' WelC er—l—well, yes. J* hare been called—er —by that"name.' - "' The Dr Blank who treats a stomachs?' U (( f Prapi colv cti* ' I "'Then. Dr Blank, as it's th* | luncheon hour and our table d'hote is | excellent, I wish you'd treat mine t' | said the ,iokor. _ i "Dr Blank's■ veins run rich with I generous sporting blood, and he treated the stranger—an amiable Western millionaire, as it turned out—to luncheon. But he got his revenge. Later on in the afternoon he approached a group of men with a roll of small bills in his hand. i "'Has anybody here.' lie asked, | 'got tc-n dollars?' r " The Western joker promptly pn®» £ duced a ten-dollar note and hantka £$ | to Blank. Blank thanked him, thrusl jjj the note in his pocket, and turned I away. 1 "'Look herty said the Westerner | ' what, did yon want that bill for?' 1 "'What did I want it for?' asked; I Blank blandly. ' Why-: - for treating I your stomach, of course. It's my usual