RETROGRADE LIVES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9214, 18 April 1908, Page 4

RETROGRADE LIVES.

NEW BIOGRAPHIES

ii. JUSTIFICATION.— The British Empire, on which the Sun Never Sets, uor can Ever Set, nor will Ever Set, etc., is at present having an entente cordiale with France, where large numbers of Frenchmen reside; but this "entente eordialing ' ' is not without ite difficulties — it is not the soft drink by a very lengthy piece of chilk. The French people, at present, are our cordial neighbours — we drink their liquors — and,if in a series of .biographies that of a Frenchman were not included there would be an upheaval throughout that proud and glorious country, where the Americans go to purchase a French acoent and an empty pocket. The Lyons of Bordeaux, the J&cftdaw of Rheims, even the residents along the Rue de la — Rue de — de la — la — Rue de la Something, would flood the morning papers with a correspondence that, for longevity and other things, would rival that inserted in the historic pages of tbe " Garden of Eden Farmer" over the pen-names "Demosthenes" and ' ' Max Hirschburg. ' ' Therefore, in order to save the French people from themselves, I have biographed the late General N. Bonaparte, the greatest product that Franco ever produced, and she did not produce him. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE. Standing on a property rock, his head thrown forward in a strenuous effort to be characteristic, his hand thrust beneath the folds of his great coat, and his eyes staring mournfully, far-seeing at the property setting-sun on the back-cloth, as the curtain slowly falls to the dirge-like music from the orchestra, is the last glimpse that an admiring world has of the great Napoleon in th© first ©vent of his retrograde life — the tableau in the final act of " The Royal Divorce." Previous to this—in 1821, in fact, and on May 5, 1821, to be exact— he died at St Helena, after having ©njoyed six years of misery there; six years cut off from the plaudits of his claques, from the enlightening influence of the American cocktail, from the joys of listening to James Thorn, the worker's friend, in his denunciation of the Administration of Pontius Pilate. General Nap. had a very lento time at St Helena. His only pastimes were as follow: — (1) Reviewing the Salvation Army; (2) rolling down a hill in a barrel with only one bung-hole in it; (3) comforting the weeping willows and preparing them for export to the River Avon ; (4) receiving deputations from the St Helena Burgesses' Association; (5) indexing J. H. Newlyn's letters to the daily papers; (6) other things n.o.e. In 1814, however, the barometer commenced to rise steadily, the metronome clicked faster, and Nap.'s own,, particular, gold-plated, patent reversible, spring-actioned Star was docked for cleaning and painting, and for repairs to its machinery, after which it commenced a steady ascent. During the summer of this year a rather interesting little outin.se was spent at the June manoeuvres at Waterloo, Nap. being; in command of the Blue Force, and Wellington and Blucher co-partners in. the command of the Reds, with a subscribed capital of £10,000. Colonel Hawkins acted as referee and Lieutenant-Gen-eral Matheo Donnelli (pronounced "Do - nel - lee," with a dotted crotchet effect on the "lee), first membeT of the Defence Council, patched tlie proceedings on behalf of tne Tramway Board. Nap. opened the ball with Mrs Boadicea Britticanus in. the official set of lancers. He used the well-known P K 4 opening, but, to the surprise of his backers, he departed from his custom of continuing into the Guioco Piano, and declared no .trumps." Wellington (Mr Cassidylapplied for a nonsuit on the grounds that Nap had not paid his laundry bill, but it was disallowed with costs to the defondant. Napoleon, just before the commencement of the battle, reviewed his troops and delivered to them a lengthy policy speebh, in which he endorsed the City Council's attitude in declining to move the Godley statue. The troops, a large number of whom were electors in Nap's constituency, greeted his remarks with cries of "Yes! Yes!" "No! No!" Then Gen Bonaparte, carrying in one hand G. Washington's little axe, and in the other a flag that bore that strange device : " England expects that every man this day will do his duty," gotten himself on the horßebaok of his Shetland pony and so 'Up Guards, and at 'em." Marshal Ney and Constable Sculli (pronounced to rhyme with " Wilson "), then rode be " fore the troops and were associated in an enjoyable little stunt, the former declaiming in a rich barrowtone those now memorable lines, "I'd rather be the author of the Exhibition Ode than take New Brighton," while Sculli (still pronounced to rhyme with " Wilson ') executed a pas seul with much grace and aplomb. After the encore had been responded to, Ney placed himself at the head of the Ashburton Mounted Rifles, and the fun began. The Allied backs were strong in defence, and just before the call of time they got possession of the leather oval, and Napoleon, making the one great mistake of his career, spoke to his troops in French. They could not stand this, and applied for a change of venue, and Wellington took the Plunket Shield. After this Bonaparte spent a short holiday at Elba, where he visited Rotorua, and expressed himself as well pleased with the work the Government had done there. Later he took a jaunt to Russia, but after witnessing the absolutely inadequate means for fighting fire at Moscow, he returned to France, remarking at the time that ho had prophesied the destruction of the city by fire 96| years previously in a letter to the editor of the "Fendalton Argus." This firing fitted Nap for the track again, and ho won some good handicaps at Wagram, Eckmuhi, Friedland, Eylau, Jena and Austorlitz, beating some excellent fields, and at the first named place giving the bookmakers a severe knock. After these interesting events ho turned his attention to politics, first taking care to establish himself as Emperoi, despite the protests of Consul J. H. M'Cullough and Deputy T. Kennedy. He revised the land laws, and gave tho Empire local option. Then ho gave up the purple and appointed himself First Consul for the term of his natural life, but a few years later, by a special order-in-council, the words " For life " were deleted, Councillor Cooper voting against the motion. When he vacated the post of Consul Nap wont for a health tour to Italy, where he obtained a number of plaster casts of some of the great sculptors there, but they wero broken in transit to Pigeon Bay by tho Mullogh. His short stay in Italy was not without profit. He won several cups, defeating, amongst others, Antony Wilding, R. Deans and W. Webb. His attention was next turned to the Alps, which he explored as a preparatory acclimatisation for his trip to the south polar regions with the British Antarctic Expedition, and on lujs return to Kaiapoi he resigned the command of the Army and took charge of the Permanent Artillery at Toulon. He stayed at Toulon some time, but, disagreeing with the Trades and Labour Council regarding the hours worked by the Christchurch Engineers, he returned to Paris, where, however, owing to failing health and to his inability to sell his poems to a publisher, he got into debt, and was sued by Madame SansGene for 18s lOd for laundry work. (This was the bill referred to at Waterloo Sta-tinn). The matter '«-••* Rattled

out of Court, Mr D. Bates, on behalf of the Christchurch Steam Laundry, agreeing to accept £15 in settlement of hi 3 client's claim. From Paris Nap struggled to the military school at Brienne, and from there he went to Corsica, where the Corsican Brothers lived. At Ajaccio he found his parents, and in 1769 he was born. Bonaparte was a sensible man. He manufactured no great literary works to be the bane of every schoolboy in after years, and he fought Waterloo, an excellent subject for school essays that is still used systematically. He was a member of the Charitable Aid Board, and took a live interest in the affairs of Leeston, where he held office as a railway porter for some years. He was a member of the All Black (Amateur) football team, and played fiveeighths for the Players against the Gentlemen at Lords. He frequently had poached eggs for breakfast because he liked them, and it is a well-known fact that he had great admiration for concertina trousers and tho Greek "E."