THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7417, 31 May 1902, Page 4

THE WEEK.

More doctor this week. This time he doesn't like mixing his patients. Likes his piivate practice neat. Hospital authorities, pending the provision of a rat-and-flea-proof suit of armour for the staff, decide to struggle along without him. Perhaps they will be more careful how the conduct of cases is conducted. » .

""The Australian cricketers, after knocking Surrey and 'Oxford into the middle oi next week, were robbed of a brilliant victory over ai M.G.C. team by the Old Scytibe Bearer, as they had only 32 runs to get 1 arid seven wickets left. This last team was about as strong, (except for perhaps two bowlers) as it was possible to get in England. W. Ot- Grace (now close on sixty)* scored 29 andl 22, and) had a wonderful bowline average in the Australian first innings, vu£>five wickets for 29.

. — ♦ ■ "My dear," said Mr Panama Benedict, last Sunday morning, at 2 a.m., on. arriving home after crushing* several flowing bowls, " glorioush news ! Peasb. at lashst !" " I see," replied she, with nocturnal dignity, " and I presume De Wefc has retired into the anterior!"

♦ / Verily iMilner and Kitchener are to 'be .heartily sympathised with. After two years hard fighting, and the expenditure of twenty thousand lives and over two .'hundred millions, we have thrashed the men who would have kicked us out of South Africa, and the traitors who would have dismembered the Empire. We have them in a corner, and could refuse any terms whatsoever. What next? Instead of allowing these two men who have borne the burden, and heat of the day to take their own time, their hand is forced 'by every hysterical ass who controls a newspaper. For the sake of a peep-show or for temporary penny-grubbing excitement, these cunning Dutchmen are encouraged to 'distort mere aots of generosity into signs of weakness. When peace does come-, we had better imitate the French and Russian heroes we read of this week, and rush, about hugging and kissing each other. Steward! . '■ . o i .. ■

New idtea for obituary verses — We saw him suffer day Toy day, It caused us bitter pain. , . . ' The chemist, filled him up with: drugs, Again and yet again. Right up amongst the angels now His 'harp goes iootle-tootl \ Whilßt Mr Squills and Dr Pills Divide that drug kill's loot. * ■

At this week's meeting' of the Dunedim

City Council Councillor. Tapper gave 1107 tice of motion asking the Postmaster-Gene-ral to issue an order to (have file names, Addresses; and numbers of the locaj doctors placed in front of the telephone operators. Why didn't he add those of the ohemists a«nd undertakers they do business with?

It iB stated that a clergyman, last Sunday, evening, in" correcting a prior announcement that peace was actually proclaimed, added, in. a fit of absent-mindedness, " Why do the people imagine a rain thing? Here endeth the second lesson." ■■ ' '■ 4— ■ • ' • ' '

Gentle reader, have you perused the extracts and comments on the Buller despatches received by laeb mail? If not, do so. You will find' that General ..'BijUer " does not consider his military reputation suffers" by the fact that they clearly show that he allowed Waxrett to muddle and delay his orders for days and days, giving as his excuse that he in turn could 1 not obtain the consent of deary, third in command ! Shade of the Iron Duke 1 You) will further understand that if Lord Roberts can by hook or c^ook turn ilhe present War Oifice system of promotion into channels of utility and! common-sense, and knock! the eye-glassed imbecile on the head, he will have done far more for England tihan he has ever 'accomplished on the field of battle. ♦ — ■ '

Mr • Hanbury, President of the Board of Trade, has just been asked by a deputation to prohibit milk-blended butter. v He thought he saw our Richard come, With Toy ad smirk and muflter; He looked again, and saw his xeal v Was utterly too utter. > "Is this a time," ihe said, "to stop Colonial Btended ©utter?''

I " ♦ : " Two heads K are better than one." So thinks Herr Baling manager of the Ham-'"burg-American shipping linej who ha* refused a trifling 6crew of one million dollars a year to manage Pierpont Morgan's combine. He prefers the double-headed' Red Eagle, just given him by the grateM William, to the single-headed " Spread' Eagle." ♦

The members of the Canterbury Jockey Club have desired their committee to consider the advisableness of increasing the number of long races with a view to encourage the breeding of stayers. They might in justification have quoted " Pardon, the Son of Beprieve"— Your six-furlong vermin liihat Boamper Half a mile with tlhelr feather-weight np 1 Would never earn much of their dwmper In a race like the President's Cup. The said race 'being three miles in three iheate ! But we seem to breed stayers for the Army. Witness Methuen's "Mounteds," who galloped about twelve hours. _ «.

The following is said to be a copy of an invitation to its firat meeting forwarded to Sir Robert Stout by the new Society of Scots, about to establish itself in Ohxistchuxcn: — Sir Robert Stout,— Dear Sir, Come doon Wi' a' <tihe speed ye can. tae <toun; Be certaiw noo within a week Tae mak* yer mind up, man, an' speak. We -want ye : -Firstly, tae advise us ; Then oeoondly, tae advertise us. A new Society is fonmn', Sac come an' gie <the ihooße a warmin 1 . We'd like ye first iae ken oor steMon, So' a ye can grasp 4zbe ettuMion; It's this : ' We're Soots, or else descended 3?rae stock that's Scotehly reeammendtd. Bear tibia in ny/Dii , an' kindly radntion, We're -weel deservin' o' attention. Tfcae Caledonian men «ai' •ynrnmin— Hoots I we're Ihe cream, white tfhey'ra the skimmin 1 .. I We wish ye, then, wrth"©©* persuasion, Tae simply rise tae the ocoasrion ; Afc ony rate eoroe doon an' sea us, Yel l find maist gifted Scotsmen wi' us— Scotsmen wha'll crack up yer posefcfciwn, An' daze ye wi' -their erudeetion. Wi' thanks tihen— in sobriety, We're yours, TIES JTOW SOCIETY. * " Charley " Beresford h«is had another pat on the h«ad from the Admiralty, like any other naughty little boy. But Charley won't care. He'll continue to bob up serenely. ' The position is rapidly becoming GilbeTtian. The confidential servant of the Admiralty turns round to the galkry at intervals and slangs hia masters, and affects to betray their secrets. • ■ Why doesn't ha resign and sajr whai h& haa to Mtfl

Fact is. Beresford', like certain other big talkers, has got "the lime-light itch."

—♦ A superfluity of culinary artists is apt to prove meretricious to ordinary broth, and it is evident that we 'have at present two or three dozen too many, Heaven-sent geniuses playing airound! the tramways question. If, as Councillor Loughnan said, the present session is wasted without legislation, it will be a. shocking muddle. +

The Maoris are to be given the Commonwealth Franchise, but NW Zealand is not to be allowed to walk into the Federated backyard; some fine day dragging a swarm of Polynesian hybrids amd aboriginals. The Australians may "keep their hair on." Maoriland has not knocked at' the door yetk Ijb will b» Toby who will have to ask Dick on what terms they may join US* . - '; ■ ■