FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 4613, 8 April 1893, Page 2

FUN AND FANCY.

THE JOKER. An Irishman took a contract to die a well. When he had dag about twenty-fire feet down, he came one morning and found it had fallen in— filled nearly to the top. Fat looked cautiously around and saw that no one waa near, then took off his hat I and coat and hung them on a windlass, crawled into 'some bushes, and awaited events. In a Bhort time the neighbours discovered that the well had fallen in, and ; Beeing Pat's hat and coat on the windlass, they supposed that he was at the bottom of the excavation. Only a few hours of . brisk digging cleared the loose earth from • the well. Just as the excavators had ■ reached the bottom, and were wondering ' where the body was, Pat came out of the bushes and good naturedly thanked the diggers for relieving him of a Eorry jobSome of the tired diggers were disgusted, but the joke was too good to allow of anything more than a laugh, which followed soon. JAPANESE ENGLISH. They always write delightful English in Japan. Here are a few examples. On a \ bottle of claxet : " Weak man who is not ■ so hard of his stomach takes notice of : his health ever must use this wine usually." In a dentist's circular: "Our tooth is an important organ for human' life and countenance, as you know; therefore, when it is attack by disease or injury ,. artificial tooth is also very useful." An article of municipal law: "Any dealer i shall be honestly by his trade. Of course '• the sold one shall prepare to make np thesafe package." MAKING A FEW CALLS. A young married lady had a new ffoach and a new footman to matoh. "John,"' she said one day, "we will drive out to make a few calls. But I shan't get out of the carriage; you will, therefore, take the cards that are on my dressing table and leave one of them at each house we stop at." "Very good, ma'am," answered John, and ran upstairs to fetch the cards. After they had driven about a considerable time; and cards had been left at several houaeß, the lady remarked — "Now, we must call at Dale's, Frampton'a, and Clarke's." "We can't do it!" here broke in the footman in alarm. "I have only the ace of spades and the ten of clubs left!" THE ART OF MAKING GIFTS. In selecting an armchair for papa Beck one that will match bis temper rather than his complexion. Girls over twenty are likely to feel insulted if presented with wax dolle. If your husband smokes insist that he shall use the box of cigars which you gave him at Christmas. This maycure him of the habit. If you have a neighbour whose love of music keeps you awake o' nights it will be a polite tribute to his taste if you send his small boy a drum. Your mother-in-law will be intensely gratified if you give her — her own way. A few sheets of postage stamps may be gracefully offered to a struggling genius. Your sweetheart will probably be as much pleased with an engagement ring as anything you can give her. EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. Speech for the Defence: "Undoubtedly it is a burglar who stands before you ; but I entreat you to consider as a sufficient punishment the feeling of disappointment that thrilled through his frame when he saw that the ladder had been removed and that a policeman Btood waiting for him below!" TRUE GENEROSITY. Mrs Stingy: "Oh, Clarissa ! I saw Buch a sad thing to-day— a poor woman with a baby, shivering out in the cold, singing alone in the street. I never beheld anything so pitiful in my life." Clariesa (breathlessly) : " Yeg, aunt; what did you do ? " Mrß Stingy (sighing) : " Well, my dear, I was so upset that I actually had togo and have a cup of tea." THE RED MAN'S POETBY. According to Mi- Miller Hageman'e translations of native Indian songs, the aboriginal bard must have studied the methods both of Walt Whitman and oE the modern impressionists. " The Magpie's Reveille," for example, which Mr Hageman pronounces " one of the moat weird and beautiful of the Indian songs," runs as follows :— ; The magpie, the magpie, here underneath, In the white of his wings are the footsteps of the morning. It dawns ! It dawns 1 The " Squirrel Song " is equally simple and unostentatious, consisting merely of this reiterated statement of fact : — . The squirrel in his shirt stands up there, ' ' Slender he stands up there, striped, he stands up there. The best lyric of the lot, however, is a " song without words," which has a Browning-like quality of lucidity about it:— Ha-a-e-he-e-po, ha a-e-yo, a ha-e-ye. Ha-a-e-a-e-yah, ah ha-e-yah. Ha-a-e-a-e-yah, ha how-e-yah. How-ow-o-how-o-how-o-o. SMILE RAISERS. A case of domestic scandal was under discussion at a tea table. " Well, let ub think the best we can," said an elderly Bpinster. " Yes," said another, " and say the wotßt — that's the fashion." " You may bring me," said the Boston girl, " a email portion of Celtic disturb* ance." "A which is it?" said the waiter. "Irish etew, you Btupid," answered she. "How's your wife?" "Got a bad cold, I'm eorry to say. Completely lost her voice." " l aay, is ifc infectious ? I'll send my wife to call !" Teacher : " Johnnie, what is the best time for picking apples ?" Johnnie: "When the big dog is not loose, teacher." Hes "That was a very funny thing about Mrs Parvenu." She : " What was that ?" He : " Why, she went to a carriage builder's, and wanted to buy a carte-de-vieite!" : Very Likely. — Tommy : " I looked through the keyhole when Sis waß in the parlour With her beau last night." Father : " What did you find out, my Bon ?" Tommy : " The lamp, pa." Taken Off her Guard. — Sportsman (trying to make himself agreeable) : " Have you ever tried smokeless powder ?" She :. "No! er— er I— er— always use violet powder." Some men appear the funniest when they are trying to be funniest. Bank Nonsense.— Schoolmaster : "What is the masculine of countess ? " SmallBoy : " Please, sir, counter-jumper ! " An unkind criticism is like a pin— the better the point the more it hurts. On the "American silver dollar is the motto, "In God we trust." It should read, " In this god we trust." When is a man like a green gooseberry ?' When a woman makes a fool of him.