FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6873, 7 June 1890, Page 2

FUN AND FANCY.

HI! DIDN'T WIN MUCH. America is the land of the mighty miracles, so it is not surprising that the most wonderful wager should como to us" from acroßß the pond. The wager was made over the test Presidential election. A Michigan Democrat was to be kicked unresistingly across the street in public, with bonfire, braßS band and the usual uproarious accompaniment, should his man not be elected. When the result was known the winner was in high glee. To do justice to the occasion, he ordered a new pair of boots with four-pound soles. His opponent tried to call " off," but it was no use. The lucky man insisted on the wager being paid. The time arrived. The band and the bonfijto and the crowd were all there. The? Democrat was there, bo also the kicker. The Democrat, with a boid, brave look, took up a lowly position ou the kerbstone,and as the big drum sounded the gleeful Republican took a running start and gave a terrific kick. The Democrat bounced about three feet into the street, while the sturdy kicker lay down and clasped his foot in both hands mid howled, finally he was carried away. The Democrat had. been too wily for his opponent) and had insoled the back of his trouseis with a forty-pound coal-hole cover. The Bepublican was afterwards heard to say tbat he " wouldn't have minded a cent though he had been the loaer " ot thia wonderful wager. couldn't dent it. '• Appearances are deceitful," remarked the loquacious traveller to hia vis-A-vi». " I'll bet you five shillings that you can't tell what I am." "Taken. I Bhould imagine you to be a gentleman." " Confound" — but he paid the money. THE DOCTOE KNEW. A doctor sttya he can diagnose ailments by examining a single hair of the patient; Two young men, aa a joke, took him a hair from a bay horse. The doctor gravely wrote a prescription, and said his fee was a guinea., us the case was precarious. They were staggered, but paid the fee, and after they got out laughed all the way to the chemist's. The latter took the prescription aud road in amazement, "Turn the animal out to grass." Then the jokers stopped laughing. SMILE PKOVOKEKB. A good fit — A lit of laughter. First Pipe : " How is jour health 2 " Second Pipe : " I'm getting Btronger every day." Charles Lamb remarked to one of hisv critics: "The more I think of him, the less I think of him." I " Why, boy, how is it you are bo ehort ' for your age?" "I'm bo bu3y, I hain't time to grow," the youth replied. Observant Miss X. : " The Italian Count seems to lead rather a monotonous life." Mrs Y. : " Yes, I notice he never has any change." At a hotly contested election for the Borough of Cambridge, one of the mob* flung a rotten egg (which found — and made — its mark ia the face of Thomas Babington Mxcaulay, then an undergraduate). " I humbly beg your pardon, Bir," pleaded the offender ; " didn't mean, to hit you ; aimed at someone else." "So be it," calmly replied the future historian. " Only the next tinio you throw I shall be better pleased by your aiming at me and hitting someone else 2" " What's going on ?" asked an intolerable bore, button-holing Theodore Hook jas he met him iu the street. Quoth the /celebrated wit, shaking himsolt free, "I am," and on he went. HAPPY FAMILY. A widower with eeveral children married a widow who had a small family of hep i own. Other additions followed in procesß of time, aud ono day there was a great uproar in the nursery. The man sent his ! wife to enquire the cause, und the tender ■ mcther came back in great distress, saying !— " Your children and my children have- ! been beating our children." OVER PROOF. Lady : "So you want me to engage you as cook ? Pray how long have you been in • service P" Cook : " Five years." Lady t ■ "Can you furnish any proof of your I capacity ?" Cook : " Yea, ma'am, I've got here twenty-five testimonials to show you." HOPEFOIi SYMPTOMS. Dr Purgeraide called at the house of a i patient and aßked the husband : " How is i Bhe going on this morning ?" " Firat-rate, j doctor," was the reply. "A little while- • ago she swallowed a cup of beef-tea, and when she had done, she threw the cup and Baucer at the nurse's head I" MET HIS MATCH. A young man, recently married, auggested to hia wife that they should argue some question frankly and fully every morning in order to learn more of each other. The first question happened to be "whether a woman couid (dress on .£ls a. year," and he took the- Affirmative;, and when last seen he had climbed into a hayloft, and was pulling the ladder after him. PROVIDENT. Beggar: "Give me a trifle, sir, to'rda burjin' me pore wife." Gentleman t " Why, you rascal ! I know your wife, and Baw her alive a few minutes ago, and you talk about burying her!" Beggar* J " Well, eir, I'm one as purvides for the j future, an' I'm savin' up money for to bury her when she does die. j A WISE TOCNQSTEE. Nurse (to Gerald, who is playing with expensive vase) : " Don't do that, blaster Gerald, Papa will be angry with you if you break it." Gerald : " Oh, no, he won't ; he'll be angry with you for letthuf me." A HIGHEU BID. "Now, my little man, be quick and Bwallow the medicine, and I will give you a penny ! " "Nay, uncle, take it yourself, and I'll give you twopence." THE THTTTH AT LAST. Counsel: "Mios, what is your ageP'* Witness : "I am past twenty." " You must be more explicit." "Well, I am between twenty and thirty." "No more trifling. State your exact age." "I'll be thirty the day after to-morrow."