JOSH BILLINGS ON MARRIAGE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 720, 13 September 1870, Page 3

JOSH BILLINGS ON MARRIAGE.

-♦ Marriage is a fair transaction on the face or it. But there iz quite too often put-up jobs in it. It is an old institushun, older than the Pyramids, and az phull of hyrogliphics, that nobody can parse. History holds its tongue who the pair was who fust put en the silken harness, and promised to work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote. But whoever they was, they must have made a good thing out of it, or so menny of their posterity would not have harnessed up since and drove out. Thare iz a grate m^ral grip to marriage ; it iz the mortur that holds the sooshul bricks together. But there ain't but very few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and give a gooi written opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it. This iz a great proof that it iz one ov them natral kind of acksidents that must happen, jist as birds fly out of the nest, when they hay feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake ; this is lucky. Sum marry for money, and don't see it. Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly come tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't no better than skim milk. Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, where all the happiness goes to when it dies. Sum marry, they can't tell why, and live, they can't tell how. Almost everybody gets married, and it is a good joke. Sum marry in haste, and then sit down and think it carefully over. Sum think it over carefully fust, and then sit down and marry. Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. Sum marry bekawza they have bin highsted tame where else; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable. Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, but it is the strength of the game. If marrying for love ain't a success, then matrimony is a ded beet. Sum marry bekawze they think wimmin will be scarce next year, and live tew wonder how the crop holds out. Sum marry to get rid ov themselves, and diskover that the game was one that two could play at, and neither win. Sum marry the second time to get even, and find it a gambling game — the more they put down the less they take up. Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary tew do it. Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm heavily mortgaged, and working the balance of your days to clear oph the mortgages. Married life has its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavour. Everybody luva tew phool with the chances, bekawze everybody expekts tew win. But lam authorized tew state that everybody don't win. But, after all, married life iz full as certain as the dry goods bizness. No man can swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico. Kno man can tell just what calico has made up its mind tew do next. Calico don't kno even herself. Dry goods ov all kinds iz the chile ov circumatansis. Sum never marry, but this iz just ez risky; the disease iz the same, with another name to it. The man who stands on the banks shivering, and dussent, iz more apt to ketch cold than him who pitches his head fust into the river. Thare iz but few who never marry bekawze they won't — they all hanker, and most ov them starve with bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit. Marry young is mi motto. I hey tried it; and I know what I am talking about. If enny body asks yu whi yu got married (if needs be), tell him you don't recollekt. Marriage iz a safe way to gamble— if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privilege of living diimally alone, and soaking your own feet. I repeat it, in italics, marry yung I There is but iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz — a second marriage.