'Trilby' Plays Football.

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 925, 19 September 1896, Page 10

'Trilby' Plays Football.

— — » HOW THE PAKEHA BEAT THE LAND OF THE MOA. ' Tbilby ' on tbe football field is an unusual spectacle, yet such waß the Bight on the Devonport Domain ground last Saturday afternoon. The Orakei Maori football warriors came across to play a return match with North Shore, headed by their champion heavy-weight and ' anchor man,' the redoubtable 22 stone Paul. The match ■was very funny — so funny in fact that several of the spectators fell off the fence while laughing and hurt themselves severely. The Orakei natives were all uniformed in white floor-sacks bearing the legend ' City Flour Mills : Snowdrift brand,' which was a cheap ' ad ' for someone's flour. Some of the bags were too long, and some were too short, and big Pauls was evidently a tight fit, but it did not remain on' his back lone. One of the Darktown footballers, with a long lovelock hanging over his swarthy countenance, had a flour bag which was about two feet too long for him, and when he ran after the ball he looked like a well-filled sack of flour running away with a very short pair of legs under it. ' Land of the Moa,' Bangitoto, Snowdrift, Pukaki and Waikomiti were some of the names given to the Maori team, but they grinned and bore it all cheerfully.

The Devonport team were most woadrously arrayed. Trilby was there with white stockings, blucher boots of considerable area., white Bkirt with a big crinoline inside it, white ' roundabout,' mass of golden and piebald tresses, big enough to stuff a sofa with, and a black eye Dolly Yarden, too, was there with her stockings down and her chin in bad need of a shave, and Topay waltzed gracefully round with a flowing green and yellow dress, and a crinoline which held- the skirt- out .like a balloon foresail. She wore a coalscuttle bonnet about a yard long, and she chewed tobacco. Li Hung Chang nad his pigtail fastened to his hat and not to his head, and when the referee told him he was ' off-side ' he '"no saveed ' with considerable intelligence. ' Weary Waggles ' seemed to have mnch difficulty in keeping his clothes from falling off, and ' Svengali,' whose horse-hair left his head early in the fray, confined his mesmeric arts to violently, but accidently, butting ' Trilby ' in the stomach when he and that artistic lady both reached for the ball at the same time. ' Little Eva' was there, too, but like the other ladies she seemed to be considerably troubled with her stockings, which were wont to descend in a moat embarrassing manner. The referee, ' Dr. Jim,' was up-to-date, for he wore leg-bails and was armed with a horse-pistol of antiquated design, which was calculated tc strike terror into the hearts of an unruly football mob

Then the fun began. From the kick-off Trilby got the ball and ran till she came in contact with big Paul, who promptly hugged the damsel of the Quartier Latin round her neck, and stood her on her head, in which position she remained till he let go to hunt for the ball, which meantime Weary Waggles had secured. Making a short board to starboard, however, he fell into the arms of the Land of the Mo», who took most of his clothes off him, along with the oval. Waggles at this point was so tired that he lay down and wanted the referee to Btop the game for refreshments, but l Doctor Jim ' threatened to blow a hole through the first man that mutinied, and the match went on.

Topsy, who had secured her hose with a piece of flax borrowed from Waikonaiti's boots,soon afterwards knocked Raupo over, and, taking the ball from him, made a fine run into Orakei'a country. Here, unfortunately ,her main sheet parted, and her crinoline carried away, through her backstays snapping. Her efforts to gather in the slack were unavailing, and while Te Kooti secured the ball, big Paul hauled his wind and bore down on Topsy, with the result that her bob-stay and all her running gear -was carried away, and her feminine garments dropped off, with the exception of her yellow stockings. Meanwhile Trilby got the ball, and was making fast running with the wind on her quarter, when she suddenly tumbled over Paul's boots, which that dusky worthy had left standing like rocks in the middle of the field in order to kick more freely with his bare feet. Recovering herself, the ball was snatched by Waikomiti, who took with it most of Trilby's tresses and part of her skirt. Trilby promptly chased him, but in the rush she fell to pieces, and fragments of £>v Maurier's heroine strewed the field. Her crinoline as it fell tripped her up and she turned an admiral somersault, and before she could get tip, Paul, who ■was rather slow in stays, tumbled over her. No one expected Trilby to survive the shock, but she did, and her first request, after asking the boys to remove the elephant, was for 'whisky.' This caused, much emotion. Then Orakei scored some tries, and Topßy and Svengali each kicked a goalpost, or a fall back, or something of that

sort, for Devonport. Li Hung Chang's pigtail tripped him up eventually, and Ngatimaniapoto had the misfortune to miss a good kick at goal through Little Eva's flowing robes getting round his foot at the critical moment The elephantine Paul was so overjoyed at this that he, with considerable labour, performed a somersault, and had to be assisted up again by his tribe. Paul was nominally a full back, but that fact did not trouble him much. He was generally in the front when there was any standing-still to do, and half a mile in the rear when the enemy were hunting the ball towards his own goal. Paul was the mainstay of hiß war-party. He was all there when his weight .was wanted. Waewae, Ranpo and Pukaki used to secure a Devonport man and hoid him till Paul came puffing up, then Paul would carefully and ponderously fall on the top of the player, and the subsequent proceedings interested him no more— for, a few minutes at any rate. It was a sight worth seeing to watch Topsy collect her tattered fragments, and readjust what was left of her coal-scuttle after Paul had rested on her head for a while, and Tawhiao had hauled off one of her bluchers in mistake for the ball.

It was uproarious fun while it lasted. Paul's monumental boots had besn removed from the field by two strong men. and the arena was clear. At last Orakei got a try, Waikomiti having tumbled Trilby head over heels, and torn the last of her petticoat off her manly form. The Btalwart Paul about this time had his costly flour bag uniform torn from deck to hounds on the port side, which, however, he deftly repaired with a nail, and the game went on. Paul was chosen to take the kick at goal, which he did so successfully that he bowled over three of his comrades and sent the ball back over hiß head. Svengali and Little Eva turned somersaults this time. North Shore 16, Orakei 8. Walking out from the throw-in with a fine passing scrum, Trilby had a fine chance to score, but unfortunately her starboard , garter carried away, and she had to stop to repair damages. Meanwhile Paul, as usual, fell over her, and Svengali secured the flattened face from underneath the ' Taniwha,' and with a wicked leer ran off, only, however, to tumble over Topsy, who was sitting on the ground adjusting her lee-braces. Topay was not much damaged, but the try did.uot come off, and the game ended without further score. |The Maoris and the pakehas went off to have a good dinner at the Flag staff Hotel, and to orate over their battle, and small boys scoured the field of war for relics of the fray. Fragments of Trilby, and Topsy, and Weary W aggies were scattered far and wide, while, as for Trilby herself, she quite disillusioned one, with her torn pants, and her black eye, and her dirty face. As for her feet ! — It. was a cruel delusion ! But it was a great game entirely.