Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVII, Issue 19803, 19 May 1934, Page 15

Humour of the Week

Examination Problem Q: What is raised chiefly in damp climates? A: Umbrellas. Definition Teacher: Tommy, can you tell me what a neighbour is? Tommy: It’s a woman that borrows. Favourite Bcok “What is your favourite book?” “It has always been my bank book, but even that is lacking in interest now.” Hereditary Mother: Yes, ’e’s always up to mischief. I expect ’ell soon be followin’ in ’is father’s finger-prints. Garden Note Quizzer: Will you raise your own vegetables? Shrewdman: No. Just praise what the neighbours grow, and they’ll give me the best they raise as a brag. Complimentary Girl Motorist (after the accident): Really, it wasn’t my fault. I put out my hand. The Other (suffering, but still gallant) : Your hand’s so small, it’s no wonder I didn’t see it. Her Choice “You are busy.” "Yes, I have just chosen the material for my wedding dress; I’m to be married in a fortnight.” "Really! I hope you have made a good choice.” “Yes—the most beautiful material I could find.” Collecting A visitor to a carnival stopped by a merry-go-round. He noticed a miser-able-looking man seated on one of the wooden horses. But what struck him as strange was that every time the machine stopped the man made no attempt to get off. At length curiosity overcame the visitor, and when next the man on the horse stopped opposite him he said: "Pardon me, sir, but do you enjoy going round and round like this?” The unhappy one grimaced. “Not a bit,” he replied. “Then why do you do it?” asked the visitor. "The man who owns this affair owes me a pound, and this is the only way I can get it out of him,” came the reply.

Well Trained “Just why do you want a married man to work for you, rather than a bachelor?” asked the curious chap. “Well,” replied the boss, “the married men don’t get so upset if I yell at them.” Fine Idea "If you wash your face I’ll give you some chocolate,” said grandmother. “And if you wash behind the ears I’ll give you some more.” “Grandma," replied little Johnny, “perhaps I’d better have a bath.” Definition "I feel so excited,” said little Margie, who was going to a party. “What’s ’excited’?” asked a younger child. “Why, it’s being in a hurry all over.” Dramatic Effect Coleman (to young assistant): “Don’t march in with the sack—totter!” Too Late Young Husband (breathless): I got your telephone message and came at once. Whatever has happened? Young Wife: Oh, darling, you’re too late. Baby had his toes in his mouth and he looked so pretty. Opportunity Ambitious Tenor (at smoke concert): When am I to be allowed to sing? Chairman: Quite soon now, old chap —directly we begin the National Anthem. His Advice Johnnie had been disobedient, and finally his teacher asked him to stay after school. “Johnnie,” she began, “I have to mark the report cards this evening. Now, what do you think I should do about yours?” “Well,” said the youngster. “I think you really ought to go home and have a good dinner and rest before you mark mine.” Never Lost The schoolmistress was giving her class a test on a recent natural history lesson. “Now, Bobby Jones,” she said, “tell me where the elephant is found. The boy hesitated for a moment then his face lit up. “The elephant, teacher,” he said, “i« such a large animal it Is scarcely ever lost.”