Humour OF THE Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVII, Issue 19374, 24 December 1932, Page 10

Humour OF THE Week

Economy. Wife: Did I see you kiss the chambermaid? Husband: Y-y-yes, my dear, saved a shilling tip by it. Had it Both Ways. Boarder (on Christmas holiday): I say, I hope you won’t charge me for a hot bath—it was only luke-warm. Landlady: Oh. no. Hot bath sixpence, cold bath threepence—so lukewarm will be ninepence!” The Helping Hand. He: And we will elope at midnight. She: Yes, dear. He: And will you have all your things packed? She: Sure. My hutband is packing them for me now. Not Altogether Hopeless. “I should think you would find it hard to know what to give her for Christmas. She has everything, you know.” “Yes, I know-; still, there are always Some new useless things coming along." Free Speech. “Who Is really the boss in your house?” inquired the friend. “Well, of cource, Maggie assumes command of the children, the servants. the dog, the cat, and the canary. But I can say pretty much what I please to the goldfish.” He Was Pleased. “I would like to get off early this afternoon,” said the clerk on Christmas Eve. “My wife wants me to do the shopping with her.” "It’s not at all possible,” said the employer. "We’re Very busy, as you know.” “Yes, sir,” answered the clerk. “I am extremely thankful, sir.” Behind the Times. An Englishman who had an American business man staying with him over Christmas tried all the London theatres for two tickets for Boxing Day. All he could get were two stalls for “Hamlet.” “Xbu sure are behind the times,” commented the American when he heard the hews. “Why, I saw ‘Hamlet’ in New York four years ago.” A Pending Improvement. A woman in the suburbs was chatting over the back fence with her next door neighbour. “We’re going to live In a better neighbourhood after Christmas,” she said. “So are we,” volunteered Mrs. Nextdoor, confidently. “What? Are you moving too?” “No. We are staying here.” Truthful Tommy. I was Invited to a friend's house to partake of the Christmas dinner. A merry company were assembled and all enjoyed the feast of good things, provided by our genial hostess. One of the guests, in a jocular manner, asked little Tommy, the son of our hostess, where turkeys came from. “Dunno,” he answered, “but I know where this one came from” (pointing to the one on the table). “Ma got It from a tramp for two and sixpence, ’cause he said he stole it. Didn't he, ma?” A Remarkable Gift. I The shop assistant had ransacked his stock in order to please the rather exacting lady who wanted to buy a Christmas gift. “Now, are you sure this is genuine crocodile skin?” she Inquired, critically examining a neat little handbag. “Quite, madam,” was the reply. "You see, I know the man who shot that crocodile.” “It looks rather dirty,” remarked the customer, hoping to get a reduction in terms. “Yes, madam,” replied the :hopkeeper, “that is where the animal struck the ground after it fell off the tree.” I Jumping to Conclusions. “If you dare kiss me again I shall toll father.” The fair young thing standing under the mistletoe was very angry, but the headstrong’ youth took no notice. Se'zing her by the shoulders, he kited her once again. The girl rushed out of the rcom. “Father,” she said, meeting him in the passage, “Reggie Bolder wants to see your new gun.” “Right-ho,” remarked her parent. I "I’ll take it to him.” | Two seconds later he appeared In | the doorway, gun in hand. There was a. crash of breaking glass as Mr. Bolder fled through the French window. Not Guilty The expression of rage on the manager's face was not due to the stress of | the Christmas shopping rush, for he I stood outside the telephone box, from [ which issued the dulcet voice of Miss [ Jones, the junior saleslady, j “I love you, dear,” she cooed. “I am | weeping my heart away. Speak to me once more. I love you, dear. I love you so!” Hanging up the receiver she emerged, and it was then that the manager gave vent to his wrath. “Miss Jones,” he said, “that telephone is here for business and not for lovemaking! Don’t let It occur again!” “Oh,” she explained sweetly, “but I was only ordering songs for the music department!”

Doesn’t He? Mrs Caller: “You surely don’t give your husband a necktie every Christmas.” Mrs Athome: “Oh, yes, I do! And the poor dear never seems to know that it is the same one!” A Hopeless Task During the Christmas holidays a Scotsman was invited by a friend to have a game of cards. After playing several hands the Scot found himself the loser of some thirty shillings, and mournfully rose to go. “Don’t go yet, old man,” begged hi* host, “stay on. They are just bringing in the pudding." “Nay, nay." replied the visitor, sadly, “I couldna’ eat thirty shillings’ worth cf pudden!” Day After Christinas Jackie ar.d Johnnie, next door neighbours, were comparing notes on Boxing Day about the Christmas presents they had received and the things they had eaten. “Umph!” muttered Johnny at last, “I bet you didn't have such a good time as me yesterday.” Jackie was indignant. “I bet I did,” he cried. "Then why aren't you ill to-day?“ cried Johnnie triumphantly. Easily Seen through After the Christmas dinner had been consumed, mother had produced a gaily decorated box of animal crackers, which Edna and Enid, her twin daughters were to divide equally. “Let’s each choose some letters and then take the animals whose names begin with those letters,” suggested Edna. “For one, Til take the L’s.” “Oh," snorted Enid in disgust. “I know why you chose the L’s.” “Well, why?” asked her sister. “ ’Cos you want the big crackers. You want to get all the ’ephants!” Found Out They were waiting for one other person to complete the Christmas party. At last she arrived, breathless with her exertions to be in time. | After the usual apologies and seasonable greetings she shook hands with her host and hostess and their little son; but the hostess said to the boy:— “You’ll kiss Miss Vereker, won’t you, Jimmie?” Little James looked up into the face of the exceedingly pretty girl standing before him, then he turned to his father. “No, fear," he replied. “I saw her slap you, daddy, for doing It.” Generous Man! The party of ladies were having tea together after a few friendly hands at bridge. As usual, the talk turned to j various kinds of gossip, and then they | started to discuss their husbands. Al- | though not one of them had a good word for her spouse at home, they were all determined to show that they had picked a prize in the matrimonial lottery. “My husband is very generous,” remarked Mrs Green. “Oh, really!” said Mrs Greye-Blewe. “An unusual trait in husbands.” “Anyhow,” went on Mrs Green, “I gave him a box of cigars for Christmas, but he only smoked one. He gave all the rest to his friends.” Why He Fainted The little man who was the meek escort of the big woman in her ramble through the stores in search of suitable Christmas presents had fainted. “Is he subject to this sort of thingf” asked the shopwalker, as he applied a block of ice to the man's head and motioned the crowd to stand back. “Not exactly,” replied the woman, picking up some of the parcels her husband had dropped. “He’s a little nervy at times. I tried to buy It without letting him see, but he heard me give the order.” I “Buy what?” asked the shopwalker, somewhat suspiciously. “A rolling-pin,” was the answer. The Motive All through a long illness his devoted Wife had been a devoted nurse. Often he had awakened in the dead of night to find her sitting by his bedside witji soothing draughts and gentle sympathy. Now he was well on the way to recovery. “Mary, dear, I shall never forget it as long as I live. Your kindness to me through this trying time will live in my memory for ever and ever. Why did you do it?” He paused, hoping to hear a declaration of love as the compelling motive. Instead, his wife replied calmly enough: “Well, David, who wants a widow with seven children at Christmastime?” The Diplomatist Green, Brown and Johnson were Invited to Robinson's Christmas dinner. On the way there Brown remarked to his pals: “By the way. you fellows. I just want to give you a warning. Beware of Robinson’s champagne." So, when the drink was produced at the table, Green and Johnson saifl they could drink nothing more than lemonade. Much to their surprise, Brow-n did not follow them, but helped himself to the champagne. On the way home they asked hiip: “What was really the matter with the champagne?” "Oh. the quality was all right." replied Brown. “It was the quantity.. 7 thought would be deficient—ggt enough for everybody."