Debentured Widows.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIIC, Issue 13602, 23 May 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Debentured Widows.

By Harold Begbie, in the "Daily Chronicle."

Widow Wadman sat in the middle. On her right was Sauey Gamp. On her left Betsey Prig. Over the manllepiece was a black-framed .photograph of a lady in heavy crape, supposed to be Mrs. Harris. Above the picture, tacked to the wall, was a wool-work quotation from Shakespeare : " How may we content

This widow lady - '" "Which I'm not denigeing, Mrs Wadmaii, ma'am," ..said Sairey Gamp, putting her right foot on the coal box and resting a cup on her knee, "but what is it a thin slice of blessed comfort spread thick with the butter o' human wanity to have the clergy and the. blue-blood of the aristocracy on the side of us poor widdy-wim-men, who has nothing for our sustenance in a manner of speaking save an occasional drop of sperrits and our savings ruinigeing of theirselves on the banks of the Trent; but what I argues agenst, ma'am, and what I said to a gentleman in the lissuns vickillih' line himself, whoso name was Mrs Harris's own step-brother-in-law, and his Christian name: nob being Frank, I shall go on argyin' agenst till I am blue in the face and more ready for being a lobster than continuin' a widder in this hoomid wale, which is a wale, Betsy dear, and intended for sich by a merciful Pruvvidunce—is that people has no right, ma'am, to speak offensive o' Drink and make a mock o' them as pulls it, and ought to be ashamed o' theirselves." Indignation. ."Now, Sairah," said Betsey Prig, "don't get a-heaein' and a-hissin' of your blood with indignation. One day you'll go off pop like a .-bad egg, and then what'll become of all the poor inwalids who blesses the werry sound of your hiccups? Don't take on so, Sairah. Beer 'll last your time, and dividends likewise. Swallow o drop of sperrits and cultiwate Constitootional notions. Hexecute calm, Sairah. Think o 4 the House o' Lords, my dear." " Which is werry good advice Betsey Prig," rejoined Mrs. Gamp, taking snuff, "for them as only feels their own corns and doesn't sympatise with the aggerawations of other people. But, Betsey, my dear, seein' as 'ow the brewers are aweepin' of theirselves poor for us debentured widders, an' wriging the werry heart o' Peckham in our behalf, it do seem to mea holy and a blessed thing to put in langwidge which nobody can mistake and nobody who isn't a scholard could exasperate to mean neither more nor less, the natteral feelin's a sfceamin up in the buzzoms of them wot benefits thereby. For,, Betsey dear, its one thing to draw your dividends and take your nip, but it's a -werry different thing to use langwidge for all the world to hear which is an out-in-out defence o' the public 'ouse, and a challenge to the water companies. And that's what I'm saying, Mrs Wadman, ma'am, people did ought to do, and that's what I'm arguin', ma'am, they don't do, not one in a hundred and tw r enty; my ,p ! iri£ bein' that a public 'ouse is as much a part o' the English scenery, as St. Paul's Cathedral or St. Thomidge's Horspital and deservin' o' treatment as sich. Instead o' wich, and this is what biles me up, ma'am, instead o' which there is debentured widdywimmen so mean in their insidts as* to take adwantage o' their dividends while they never enters a public 'ouse, never mentions the existence of sich places, nor ever allows theirselves to speak that blessed old English word wich is consequated by centerrks o' usidge and which the poet Kipperling hisself makes frequent use of in belittin' England, and wich is Booze. No, ma'am, I ain't afraid of that word; wich 'as a nice round sound to it, an' conies off the tongue like a bung from a barrel and 'as made 'Rule Britannia' a toon in every langwidge under the sun.

Dividends and Drink. " I'd argue it with any Sufferajetty. you could bring agensfc me, bein' a woniman, as Mrs. Harris herself could tell you', what speaks out of a full heart the things wot is in her, ma'am, and never yet feared what anybody might say of me, having liiy own conscience and my appetites, and my own opinions from the day I was born. So I says ageri, widders of the nation using the word booze in ornairy social conwersation, and goin' in and comin' out—when they wishes to, and not a moment before—from the public 'ouses wot supports them in respeckatability, seein' as how ifc is my holiest conwiction that public 'ouses has g'ot the bad name they has only from people bein' afraid o' their own appetites} and mincih' their langwidge, and livvin' superior to them as supports them; an' I lieve in hopes, ma'am, of seein' the Archbishop of Canterbury and Dr. Clifford, and that poor dear straying lamb the Reverend EsquireR. J. Campbell, for he's 'alf in and 'alf out of the Reverend Boat, goin' arm-in-arm into the Horse Shoe Tavern or/the Three Nuns at Aldgate, and taking ■ their wives with 'em if they've got any, and all having a resj>ecktable and friendly " booze together wot has made England wot it is and laid the copin' stone of Burton-on-Trent, which is a town, ma'am, if I could see once I could die 'appy -with a smile upon my face and the word Beer wrote upon my heart." "You* will be wanting next,", said Betsey Prig, swallowing a dram, "to see the Queen of England and the Lady Mayoress standing up at the bar o' the Shades and orderinV a quart o' beer between 'em, you perwerse old -widder -woman." -" "AVhieh is the argyment of a demented female," replied Mrs Gamp, rubbing the end of her nose and darting a purple glance at her frined; "for if Beer is good, and the Public 'ouses is not a scandal in the land, which them as says it is the enemies of widders and orpnins and no better nor traitors to their country, it is sartiri sure, Betsey- Prig, that the Queen o' England herself, and you can't denige it, 'as as much right to push open the doors of the Blue Posts, or the Green Man, and order wot she 'as the funds to pay for, be it gin, rum, or a tot o' peppymint. Which is the p'infc I am arguin', Mrs Wadman, ma'am, and which this aggerawatir? creeter is so perwerse as to insiniwate contradicttions, that it's all along o' wot you might call a pretence o' modesty that the Drink has got a bad name and evil is spoken o' them as pulls it. Why is it, ma'am, people don't like to be seen comin' out of the .public-house? Ah, why indeed? No Self-Righteousness. It's self-righteousness, ma'am, which is a deadly sin and displeagin' to the 'eavingly 'ost, an' responsible for schisms and spaggunis, an' a thing as I'd rather be drunk than a wictim to, even if it cost me hindigestion or three days in tl;te second class. I say it, ma'am, with the langwidge born in me, that a public 'ouse is a place fib for clergymen to come in at and go out of only when they feel dispoged, and that all those who 'as shares in breweries, which is chiefly widders and orphins, as is well-known to every thinkin' person, ought to make a p'int o' conscience to support the qubiie 'ouse, with their langwidge and with their bodies using of the word booze with a smiliu' face in the highest succles, and givin' parties to their friends in the bar-parlour, loosein' of their bonnet (strings and jacket buttons Avhen the air gets troppicky, and singing ' Beer, glorious Beer' on the way home, like real ladies returnin' from the Durby. I'd like to pass a act o' .parlyniint makin'the word booze compulsory in all clases, and orderin' the clergy to hold their Pan-Anglicans in bar-parlours, which would be a work of patriotism and the savin' of the country."

" I propoge a toast." said Betsey Prig, lifting her cup; " S'airah Gamp and the British Cons'tooslmn !"

" Which I will drink, Betsey, tho' there may be a touch o' hiriony in it, but first o' all askin' Mrs Wadman, who as spoken nob a blessed word during the argyment, whether as a widder holdin' brewery de-

behtures and a.'lady well Known for Jher respecktability she is not scandalised out o' all bearin' by the venomous things spoken 'agensb honest publicans and the . nasty p'isohous things which *is said about the Drink as though it had .something to be ashamed of itself for? The Widow Wadman lifted her cambric handkerchief towards her left, eye, and leaned a little forward in the direction of Mrs. Gamp. "I am distracted," said she; "a mote — or sand —or something has got into this eye of mine—do look-into it—it is. not in the white. Do you see any green in it '!"