WIT AND HUMOUR.

Timaru Herald, Volume XIC, Issue 13397, 21 September 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

The lit-ad mistress of a curtain village school was one day txamiuiug a fviv of h*r select pupils in grammar. " .Stand itp. Freddie. and lnaku me a sentence containing the word "Seldom/ " she said, pointing to a small urchin. Freddie paused a» it in, thought, ■when with a Hash of triumph on his face, replied, " Last we?k father had five horses, bat ytsterday he selled 'eni.'' Jones was going in to bat, and his btib-om pal, Bill Peggem, was bowling for the other team. "I soy, Bill," be whispered, "givei me an easy one. I've wagered half-a-sovereign that I bit a boundary." Bill 13 a true friend of the sort yoa don't meet «very day, and lie sent him a soft one on the? leg side. Jones, with a mighty bit, sent the ball to •the ropit. Then lie started to go out. "Where are you going?" said Bill. "You're not out." "No," answered the beaming batsman. "I'm going to find the chap I made the bet -with." A boy of tender years -res returning from school tie other day crying bitterly. "What ails yon. my little fellow?" asked an old gentleman compassionately. "I-I've 10-ost the p-penny the t-t-teacher gave ma for b-being the best boy in the c-class," sobbed the boy. "Ob, -well, never mind." replied the old fellow, "here is anotuer one that will take it's place., But tell m-s how yoa lost it." —" ' Cause 1 wasn't the best boy in the class." replied the boy. A young man was- waiting for a young lady at the church, door. "Isn't the sermon nearly d'one?" he inquired of the verger. "No, sir; 'another hour - of it- yet. He's only on his •lastly.'" "But will ittake bim an hour to get through his Llastly'!" "No, sir," was the virger's uemure reply; but theros the *<m? wiro ' hboik and I am done,' and the ' finally,' and the 'in conclusion' to come yet. Don't ■ be impatient." Contentment is a beautiful thing,. and it was touchingly exemplified the other day by a dweller in a new residential neighbourhood. His little nest was surTuunded at all parts of the compass. A gas company, dwelt on tbsr south, chemicals were made in the east, a glue factoiy perfumed the north, and a soap-boiler the ■west. "A trifle odoriferous—eli?" 6aid a pitying visitor to our friend. "Well, yes" be admitted, "it is a little trying sometimes. Still, there's advitntages in the arrangement. I don't need to go to the vspenso ,of a weahtercock to tell which way the wind's blowing." The morning was an auspicious one for the new barber, for it marked his initial •essay into the boundless realm of business. But he/was full of hope, and as he industriously scraped away at his first customer he made the osual inquiry: " Razor all right, sir?" "My good man," -said the customer, "if you hadn't mentioned it, I should never have known. there was a razor on my face." The ton6orial artist smiled delightedly. Here was a good omen, indeed. "Thank yon. sir," he said. "No." added the customed reflectively; " I should have thought you were using a file'" "Hallo, old man! What's wtong?" So spoke Jobson's colleague. The ghest of a ghastly smile dodged round little Jobson's mouth, and vanished. "Everything!" ha rreplied. "I told you I was going to if eatings. Well, the first evening I walked over the East HOI. and saw an old hat

jesting on the top of a mound, and I took • a flying kick at it." "Hit. ha I Sam© old trick. I've done it." "Done what?" "Put a brick inside an old hat, and ■watched somebody kick it."' "There was no brick," said Jobson wearily. "There wasn't!" u No. There was a navvy, reclining on- the steep slope of the mound on the other side. I recovered conscioc6ness next-day in the hospital, and that's irby I came home.'-' HE HAD SENSE. As he marched to the wicket Septimus "Budge appreciated to the full that life has its great moments. For the honour of Wmkfeton-by-Shrnnpney lay in the hoiTow- of his hand. The side had done badly till then, and he was the last- remaining member of the team who had any pretensions to batting supremacy. Alas, his score was but two. when, on attempting a mighty sweep to kg, he felt his bait slip through his fing«TS. and . eaw it whirl through the air and hit the umpire a vicious blow on the left shin. There was just a faint scopicion that the bat had touched the ball in its llight. and the wicket-keepsr promptly appealed to the umpire fcr a catch. " Out I" was the, umpire's testy verdict. 'Out?'* protested the surprised Septimus. "How can that be? I ree Tom Dixon lose his- bat t'other day, and you didn't give him out." "Very likely." ranarlwl th? official, as he tenderly rubbed hu shin; '* bht Tom Dixon had s*nse enough not to hit- the umpire, he did!''

TACTS REWARD. Maude was unused to the City's strife and turmoil, but taking her courage in both hands sb,- .entered an establishment where the word " Restaurant" was displayed. Alas, however, there was an atmosphere about the place seemed to suggest a thrivcolony of cockroaches, and the wasfar mote aged than it was respect:;b!e. Maude decided she would lunch elsewhere. But the watchful proprietor intercepted her. "I am \-ery sorry." she tactfully explained, "bnt I find I have.forgotten my purs**." "Sit clown, my dear young lac!y." s:>id the kind-hearted if unclean proprietor. " 1 ant a, father my.-:: If. and it shall never be> .raid that John Urubb ht a young lacy leave hii shop "uugry beep.cH' she forgot her purse. Sit cfown. Yon can pay iim.-to-inorrow." It Win* a very sail ant! wny Maude who Tift that nnvr.vomy reitanranS half I an hour later. ' i '"Tact!" shj murmur tt. "Bah! .-«>w I hat* ths word: Ami now l'v got to go there- agriirt to-morrow. Ugh!" WHERE INSURANCE. AND SO FORTH. ft was es&eutL'J for hi, own convcisie:::.-.-

that Mr. Dauby should h-.iw. a te.ephone fixed to establish communication b.-,.v. e.-n his business pr:mi-c.< and his private house, but hit> aged mother objected iiieuttously. " Robert." she said solemnly. "* if you have one of tJio-.tr dr.adful things heio I shall never have a moment's >ir«.p again ! You never know when it may bieak out. and rage and roar and kill us all. without an instant's warning!" Vainly Mr Danby tried to convince tlie old lady that in itself the telephone was an extremely harmless instrument: the would have nona of it. "Why." she exclaimed indignantly, "look at thy thousands of poor Hindoos one of those terrible: things killed' only la:>t year!" " But, mother dear," said her son. a light b.-ginning to dawn upon him. "" that was not a telephone at all : that was a. typhoon !".

"Robert," hln l said, "it does no- become yoit to attempt to make fun »f y.-mi- poor old mother. Perhaps I do not know much, according to pni*:nt-day ideas: but 1 do know that a, typhoon is what they call :he Shall of Persia."

Mr. Danby gave up arguing :.ft r thh. lii. telephone • w.io fixed. b:i; tfuy caih-d it. a phonograph, and the dear old lady was quite satisfied.