A COCKNEY IN AMERICA.

Taranaki Herald, Volume LX, Issue 143769, 18 April 1912, Page 7

A COCKNEY IN AMERICA.

“BOW BELLS” ON THE ARISTOCRACY. (Express Correspondent.) “GenT’nien ail, I arsks yer, is this ’ore country a republic, or wot is it?” We inionned Bow Bells, who lias recently come irom London and is now employed as handy man in a newspaper oiiice, that to the best of our knowledge the United States was republican in its form ol government. “So 1 thinks afore I ’as the pleasure o’ visitin’ this land o’ the free lunch, but s’elp me, il I ain’t got suspicious wot somebody’s been 'avin’ me. 1 ’as the idea in Lunuon as a republic's a sort o’ piice where people p\.» uo respeck to social rank, an’ iuii.7 their own business, ‘avin’ too much to do to think abaht kings an’ dukes an’ sitchlike people. That's my chief idea o’ wot a republic wos like. 1 ’card orators in ’ide Park on the subject many times. “ ‘Give us a republic.,’ says they, ‘an* wo pyes uo more attention to thorn bolted earls’—which when 1 fust ’card abaht a earl bein’ belted, 1 thort it meant ’o didn’t wear uo brkv.s, hut kop’ ’em up aroim’ the wiste, not as 1 knows now wot it means, though I knows it don’t mean wot 1 thort.” BELTED EARLS. Bow Bells paused and requested enlightenment on the subject, of earls and belts. None of us ollcrcd to supply the deficiency in his education. “It’s kinder funny none o’ you knows,” he said, “fur I ’as the •reelin’ sorter forced on me since I settled ’ere as all Americans knows ail abaht them thinks. P’r’aps you gcnTnien, hem’ members o’ the press, ain’t in the ’abli o’ kcepili’ much information in yer ’cads, roly in’, .va to speak, on. AATttckers an’ sitchlike hooks.” Again lie paused for correction, but there was silence. “Well, auy’ow,” lie continued, “s’elp mo if f don’t ’ear more abaht Europe \s aristocrats since I come to .America than J ever ’card before in my ’ole lifetime at ’ome. T calm’t pick up one o’ your pipers wivout readiu’ wot the Duke o’ Dum Dnm said to ’is. missus when-they wos drivin’ ’ome from the op’ra, an wot the Emp’ror o’ Germany said io ’is eldest’ son when ’e arsked ’ini did ’is trousers touch the gralmd, an’ wot kind o’ language the Tcheorargo favvor o’ Lidy Pick-Ale-Up use d when ’e couldn’t ’ave pork te-nderliu fur breakfas’ in Oawstln Tunibletown. “It’s our own court suckles at ’oitio »vot excites you pressmen most. When uothiuk’s ’appenin 5 in Englan’, the rest o’ Europe ’as a ehancr to shine in American print, but mos’ always somothink’s ’appenin’ in English hupper suckles. T didn’t know it- when I wos livin’ ip^Englan 1 , but I ’as inside knowledge now. CONFUSED. “Only I wishes this ’ore penny dro’dful news’d keep itself siright. It’s rahther confusin’ .the wye it comes aorost the Atlantic. Jes' at present, it’s all abaht some American gal wot married one o’ our okles’ ’houses, an’ rcdeekoiated it wiv American money, ’opin’ to show us all 7 ow thinks should be done. •'This ’ere poor lidy didn”t- do sometbink, or did do somethink, or else ’or ’urban’ did or didn’t—the fust part o’ the serial was published some time before I arrived. Auywyc, she had ’or nime tike noff the court list. The other dye I picks up a piper, an’ reads a story abaht ’ow ’or nime is now back on the list, which is the most important story o’ the dye fur the pipers ’ere. ’Urray, I says, not as I knows the lidy, but bein’ partial, so to speak, to fernilcs. “The nex’ mornin' 1 picks up another piper, an’ there’s another story from Lunnon, wiv pictures o’ the gal, savin’ it’s orl a mistike, an’ she ain’t back on the list at all. Thou, the other piper says as she is, an’ thero y’are. “Then, there was that toher story abaht some American ’oman wot ain’t received ’ore in perlite s’cicty, goin’ up to Buckin’om Palace, an’ knockin’ at the door, an’ callin’ on one o’ the servants, who intcrjuces ’or to orl the members o’ the ryle family wot’s at ’ome. Ain’t that a fac’?” Bow Bells paused for contradiction, but none in truth could be given, and none was advanced, FAMILY JARS. “I says to myself, says I, this ’ore’s a queer go, fur tho piper wot printed the news is one o’ tho mos’ respectable in Noo York. A couple o’ dyes after, a sccon* piper, wot’s not so ’igh toned, ’as tho sirae cablegram, an’ then the fust piper, to go its rival one better, ups an’ says as it’s a mistike, an’ the ’oman didn’t call at tho Palace atter all.

' ”1 don’t mind fur myself so mucli. Bein’ a man, I kin stan’ these sudden chynges abaht. an’ nny’ow, X ain’t much itit’roset-od in hupper suckles, ’avin’ my own suckle to move abaht in. But I fears fur the ’ealth o’ my missus. When 1 brings ’ome the piper in the evenin’, she grabs it afore wo ’as anythink to eat, an’ wants to know the lates’ abaht the trouble between some earl an’.’is wife, an’ wot’s goiu’ to ’appen if tho princess reallv don’t go to ’er father’s balk

‘•Sho was never gievn to letter writiu’ at ’ome, but now she’s spendin’ a coupel o’ bob a week, sendin’ letters to all ’er friends across the pond, arskin’ ’em if they ’card the tumble news abaht the Dowager Lidy 'Walham Green, or if they knows the real reason why the noble Liclv Pelikun didn’t go to the Poring Office ball, an’ all sitchlike thinks.

“I never knows the missus to ack like this afore, but wot’s a man t’ do? All ’s I kin syo is it’s a funny think to ’appen to a respectable ivorkiu’man’s 'ouse’old on account o’ ’is leavin’ a monarchy an’ comill ’to a republic.”